I BREATHE IN,…just between a memory and me,…

Posted: December 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

JOHN E DOE / ..DIE TRYING or TRY DYING….. the circus of blood Section ONE/2 part excerpt (…DIARY OF A SUICIDE post) copyright 2010

I stare at the ceiling above me,.. .. . . .you see .. .. .it’s impossible . to know,.. .  . It’s pitch black in here . confined in a room with no windows. there is , no starlight,.. .. .. and no moonlight,…it’s dark in here,… …my new, my home… … But it’s the sunlight, …… that I think of the most,…  and her,….always her. . . …my……She , still beats inside of me….always, her, .. . .. . ….I’m .empty. ,..I wouldn’t dare to pray for sleep to find me,…..due to my anger, I couldn’t even find tears,…….I feel cold……..beyond cold….somewhere in the early.. morning hours, i drifted off,.. .. ..finally .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . in my life, I have found that when I dance on the edge, this in when I feel alive,…..it’s safe for me this way, and it’s somewhat exciting as well,…for me, the real world no longer has any excitement…… I think this may be why it’s easier for older people to die, when the years have slipped away. There has to be a reason that i usually hear older people say that they go to, a better place. like the thunderous sound of incoming waves, who then quickly turn and remarkably quietly,…… slip back into themselves

I am the only one that get’s hurt this way, at least I try to convince myself that this is the case,…but, I have had to accept that this viewpoint is not true…..I found myself wanting to take her there with me so that we could watch the sun set in the east while we danced in a myriad of mesmerizing colors that would make the aurora borealis reluctant to taint the skies again. When she talked of being in a blanket on the beach, with us looking at each other, I still feel that,…even now i hear her voice. I still tell myself that she’s here….I must admit, it is…..I just,…well, nevermind. But still, even now, I want to say ….you have made me feel so special,…she showed me someone that I almost forgot existed,…me. You gave me strength…and, even with all my faults, I will forever hold that in my heart,… in mere memory, it could never do what it has done inside of me,……..and memories fade as time passes,….

There we danced, high on the edge of a cliff where we could ”believe” that gravity had no ”hold on us”,…our special place. A place where we could fly,…If only you held tightly to my hand as we stepped off the edge,…to a place where we could feel the wind pass over us as we left the real world behind,…..where I could look over at you and see you smile. And knowing that you were trusting me to take you somewhere that you have never been,…no longer feeling alone,…..nor I,…to be needed,….wanted,….loved.

My imagination can be a beautiful thing, as it is powerful beyond definition,…but, even and especially at times like these, I struggle. I have to fight to color between the lines,…as compared to a nuclear reactor, where all is fine and well as long as the energy is contained, my loneliness can be overwhelming at times….but, I know in my heart that my loneliness is also well earned,…I know that I am totally forgiven for the things that I have done wrong in my life,…but every one of those wrongs is still very much alive in my memory,…..and my memory, very much like my imagination, is crystal clear, as well as very powerful.

Memories of wrong is how we learn lessons not to repeat our earlier sins,…as they say, and, as is proven true,

INSANITY STEMS FROM MAKING THE SAME DESTRUCTIVE CHOICES, YET EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT,……

You see, in this world where we fly above the problems, the truth is, …GRAVITY DOES EXIST,…

To see you smashed upon the rocks of the beach below, a place that, to us was, once so peaceful and beautiful,…(where the sun set in the east) a place where the powerfully gentle ever changing waves once calmed us,…. …”rocking us with their rhythm”…but now I am forced to watch the waves as they rock your broken, lifeless body, forth and back back,…as if you were a piece of driftwood, mercilessly entangled in kelp,…I can’t take my eyes off of you

As I lift you from the surf, I no longer see you smile,…I no longer hear you laugh (as I could hear you laugh through the words of the letters that you have written to me..I hear them even now…but very distant) I no longer feel your warmth,……

…… the hidden essence of who you are,……

when my legs can no longer carry you away from the reality of the once powerful dream that we shared, I collapse to the sand, all the while supporting you gently as if holding one of my children, as if carrying them to bed,…to lay them to rest,….I pray to be numb,…there is no one to hear my prayers, for HE is far away,…I, left HIM,…and took you with me. And now you are so cold

I gently brush your hair back as I wipe the sand from your face, trying to find the beauty that was there only moments ago,…I hear the words, ”please god”, quietly pass my lips,……my throat chokes as I try to speak,…it burns…

I try to hope,……..I know it’s in vain, as the reality continues to seep in,….as the poison from a lethal injection must feel,…although I remain all too conscious,…I feel my veins cool,….my heart slow, missing beats as it does,……..to see this is to learn,…again,…..

I, like so many others before me, for I am not the only one, I want to scream out and ask why?!,…….I know better,……….I scream anyway, just in case I am wrong,…..desperation begs in vain…..knowing that I will live the rest of my life with the answer that I hear,….. Payment, the consequences of my choices,…………….I watch the surf break, the seagulls fly,……..I try to smell the salty air,………to feel the wind,………all of my senses are dead,…..other than my sight,…. I get to live to see this,….. I don’t get the option not to,…..this, my reward for selfishly teaching you to fly,…….
I’m sorry,….I am so sorry,………………..baby, please open your eyes,..please,….
….I continue to hold you in my arms, I gasp,….I breathe in,……..I breathe out,……. I look at your face as I continue to smooth your hair,…….the wind blows a strand across you face, I fix it back in place with my fingers, wishing that I could as easily fix what I have broken in you,……I see my hands differently now,……the hands that could do anything that I wanted them to do,….the hands that made music,…the hands that created something out of nothing,….that made words perform as if they were actors in a play,…for truly, all the world is a stage,……my fingers still move as always, but they now seem to be made of wax,…fingers that no longer have a soul,…… The life is now gone from them as is the life from your body,…….I try to remember the great things that they have done, yet nothing any longer matters, my memory is leaving as my soul dies,…….I continue to brush back your hair, I lightly stroke your cheek,…….a few disoriented grains of sand seek their place in the universe as I do so,………the universe, like nature,…..demands order, what should be, must be,….I breathe in, I breathe out,… As everything put’s itself back right, I see the shadows change upon and across your face, as if for a moment it appeared that there was life in you still,……only shadows,……..just tricks from the light,……..
I want to gaze upon your face forever, but my head won’t let me,…….it begins to move against my will, as if to respond to a taunt from a distant tormentor,……… My thoughts were true,………..the tormentor is there, waiting,…….calling me,…..all he has to do is exist,……..he is the sun,………….and here and now,…… …….. In this moment in this place,…………………….. He is setting,…in the west,……………..
And now, I do what I must, the only thing that I am allowed to do,………..I lay you to rest, ever so gently on the sand,….. I brush back your hair for the last time knowing that i must go on,……..I breathe in, I breathe out,……..I have to,…… Do what I must,…… I fold your arms across your body,…knowing that mine can hold you no longer,…….. For I have things still to do,….. On my knees beside you, I lean to kiss your lips, as I have done in life,……..as my lips touch yours,…..I,….feel,…..nothing,…….
as I stand and begin to walk, I leave you to rest,…..I think of the time that you talked about dying on the beach,….you have now got your wish,…….. “Sea or shore?”, you had asked me. My fear was dying in the water, as I continue to walk I realize the water is already waist deep,….I feel nothing,…….another step, another,………I look into the sun, the one setting in the west,….the water is higher,……another step as the tide helps to do the rest, pulling me forward and down, as my dream did to you,…….
I see the last twinkling of light I will ever see, and I remember yours,………..I slip beneath the waves,…..I give in completely,……outward and down,……the light green grows darker as I’m pulled deeper,…..
…….dark green now turns to black,……..I think of the way you made me smile,…..the way you made me feel,…….
…and laugh……………..
…………..of the way that you,…………………..loved me,……………..
………………….the warmth is no longer there,…………………I did this………..God I am so sorry,…….
……….. …… ……………..I close my eyes
……………………… ………………………… …. ………… …………….. ….. ………. ………… …………………….suddenly, in a rush, all of my senses return,………I feel,….everything……..
……. …. .. I breathe in

JOHN E DOE copyright 2010
Excerpt from “DIE TRYING or TRY DYING” (DIARY OF A SUICIDE),………………………..

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Comments
  1. johnedoe says:

    it kinda adds a whole new meaning to the term,…”TAKE A DEEP BREATH”, huh????? heh heh…

  2. Joe Quatrone, Jr. says:

    ”INSANITY STEMS FROM MAKING THE SAME DESTRUCTIVE CHOICES YET,…… ”EXPECTING?”,…… A DIFFERENT RESULT,……” Yep!

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