AS MY SOUL BLEEDS,……yet another cheery title to my babblings, or writings, or rants…..very christmasy, don’t you think? You’re welcome,…..As a child, writing was something much much different then than what it is to me now. It was something more innocent. Pure. Youthful wonder still existed. But as time went by, and all things and people changed in my life, I left my writing behind. actually, I ran from it. My writing, as well as my life. It, they, both brought pain. Other than occasional scribblings in my notebooks, I didn’t dare write anything remotely resembling a story. Just bits and pieces. There were many different reasons for this, I’m sure…although I have no idea what those reasons were. Perhaps it was because my life itself was too random. Too broken. I existed as a stranger, always in an even stranger land. Truth is, maybe the surrounding land itself was normal enough, and I, myself was the strange…looking back now, facts are, my life, and myself, were just too fucked up to make any sense of…even now, there are some pieces which I will never try to fit into the picture of my life. I will leave these memories as reflections on the bottom side of the dark waters upon which they took shape……unclear ripples in the pond,…

Writing, for what it’s worth, I have found,…still brings me pain. It is just another of the many love hate relationships that I have had in my life,…..as much as I want to write about happy and encouraging things, not so deep inside of me,…there is something else which must come forth,…..I call this release, the act of “bloodletting.” I try to convince myself that this is how the poisons come out. Am I lying? Am I finding much needed and otherwise elusive healing as I sit here pecking at the keys?

Or am I simply dying more with each word?,………………..time will tell,……..enough for now,………..

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Comments
  1. Your ramblings are nice even though you don’t pay much attention to formality and proper punctuation. It makes it more honest and spontaneous. 🙂 Keep writing John!

    • johnedoe says:

      FORMALITY AND “PROPER” PUNCTUATION……what’s that???

    • johnedoe says:

      yo tactician,…..you know, i began “writing” (if that’s what you wanna call it) again about 3 years ago, after having not written since childhood…….i found that i needed it,…at least i did, at that time,………..but,…the desire or need to write has faded, and perhaps altogether died since then,……..i find that i have to force myself to write now,……there are people who are method actors,…..someone who let’s their part, or role, consume them,……that is what happens to me when i let my soul bleed,………as i refer to my writing “process”,……..i no longer let my writing consume me,……….many of my writings that i felt passionate about were written in conversation with the most special woman in my life ever,……..i was able to write openly with and to her, as she did with me. never in my life have i known love,…until her,………she encouraged me and helped me to find a strength that i had hidden somewhere inside of me,……….she brough tme healing that i thought didn’t exist,…or perhaps, god brought healing to me through her, and her love. it has been said that it is better to have loved and lost,….i still don’t know if that is true,…………her funeral song of choice was “somewhere over the rainbow”,…………….she is with me as i write now,….not in person, but in spirit,…………..missing her is the hardest thing that i have ever done, as i do it every day,…….she’s gone now,…………but i remain,……what i began to write 3 years ago was a suicide note,…..or actually,…a “suicide book”,…….the story of my life,….the good and the bad,…the hopeless, and the hopeful,…….i felt driven to write it,…..i felt that i must say what needed to be said,…………….from the time that i met her,…..she was in every word written,…….as i read, i saw the change in what i was writing, and the way in which i was writing it,……..a light and love replaced my darkness and loneliness,……..because of her. i have never felt more alive in my life. because of her,………………now,…..there is no need to finish my “note”,………i read and reread conversations which we had last night. i could hear her voice in each and every word,…her laughter,…her sense of humor,…her intelligence,………………my heart broke,…..and ached,………..love lost,………………life is not fair,……..i miss her every day,………………she made my heart strong and she made my fingers move,…..she is the one who helped me to be real. to be honest,………i force myself to write this now. there is a hollowness, an emptiness,……….part of me wants to write and write and write,…..another part of me could care less if i ever write again,……………..i want and need to live the rest of my life to the fullest, though what some people may refer to as the “fullest”, for me, may be just the opposite,…………………….

  2. Yoshiko says:

    Yes, time will tell. Thank you for following my blog. 😀

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