THE DARK SIDE OF NEVER NEVER,…

Posted: November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

THE DARK SIDE OF NEVER NEVER……

by johnedoe

THIS PIECE WAS WRITTEN QUITE A WHILE BACK,……this is absolutely not how i think and feel now,………..things change, especially when we choose for them to, and then, act upon our choices,………..

THE HUMAN MIND IS AN AMAZING THING,…a powerful thing. And also, even though invisible, and non existent, it is a thing which can not be escaped.

         Our brains reside inside of us, inside of our human bodies,…more specifically,…inside of our head. But, even then, this being a fact, it seems to me, that we reside, inside of it’s thoughts. Through and because of our, or it’s thoughts, where we can sometimes live in a reality which is dictated by our own brain. A reality, which can sometimes be a prison. Can this prison be escaped? Most of my life, I had thought so, but now, at this moment,…I just don’t know anymore. I feel as if my head,…has become too big for my body. My thoughts have revealed to me, my limits. The limits of my, here and now.

         I thought to myself, what if, no matter what, I just write about exactly what I’m thinking and feeling today? This is not unusual, as, for the most part, it’s why we blog in the first place. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves for any and all others in the world to see. It’s just what we do. For whatever reason.

         But, what if, you, or I, as the case is,…were having a bad day? Truth be told, thus known,…much worse that a bad day, in fact, a terrible day? Terrible, meaning, you have no idea who you are or where you are going, in and with your life? My life…where you not only feel lost, but you have come to a place where you have to admit to yourself, that you , in reality,…are lost. Beyond lost actually.

         Where one can easily feel as if you are floating in space. Where there is no sound, and no feeling. Nothing. All that you know for sure is that you are still breathing. And that is all. But, in that void, there exists one thing that you are always aware of. Time. Time is here with you. You know this, because even in the darkness,…you can see time passing you by. But never far enough that you can’t see it. At best, it at times, appears blurry, and hidden in the shadows.

          In a time where most people are sleeping. Resting. And dreaming. Your life exists wandering somewhere beyond the dark side of the moon. So, I think now, what if I just wrote it all down? Just today’s thoughts? Not my, all the time, thoughts, but, just those of today? Of this moment? What would I think if I read this tomorrow? Would there be any way at all in which I could laugh at how I feel as I write this?

         The human mind can perhaps only handle just so much, before it starts to shut down. Or, hide from itself. Many of us have an escape from their waking world, through their dreams. But,…I don’t. I never have. My life surrounds me, always. At times like these, it consumes me. Trying to strangle me. Does it not know, that in killing me,…it will also be taking it’s own life?

        Last night, in an unplanned, and impromptu attempt to go the movies, as a way to get away from my usual, haven, I went to a very unique, and rather high class, ironically, which I’m not, shopping and entertainment mall. I discovered that the only movie which I really even cared to watch, didn’t start for an hour and a half from the time of my arrival. I was pretty sure that this was too long for me to want to wait, so I sat out front to smoke a cigarette, while deciding if waiting was an option.

        The mall, in which the theatre resided, had an open air, outdoor setting in the middle of all of it’s stores and shops. There were people everywhere. Music playing. Quite a lively, and enjoyable place. For most people. A nice escape from the confines of their homes, and their everyday life.

        There were small fountains and wading pools in the courtyard in which there were children playing, as the warm weather of phoenix allowed them to do. Kids with their parents. Their families. Families enjoying their time with one another. Just being normal, enjoying their lives.

         I quietly envied them, although, I was still able to be thankful for what they so beautifully enjoyed,…together. My loneliness has never been so profound. I was thinking of my children. And also thinking of what we, weren’t doing, together. We weren’t playing in the fountains. Part of me wanted to get closer to the others, as if their happiness may rub off on me somehow. To feel the water splashed upon me, might make me feel more real,…more alive,…or,…feel, something. I stayed at a distance, and smoked another cigarette.

          My life won’t offer me this now,…it can’t. I have learned better at this point in my life. There is no denial anymore. I would, never be, an actual part of that kind of life. And it hurt. I kept my distance. When you aren’t with, or near your children, when you so desire to be, the sense of hollowness can become almost overwhelming. Your heart reaches out for them, yet your hands can’t touch them.

          Your regrets are your very lively companions. And the words they speak to you, are not kind words. They challenge you to fix what is so broken in your life, mockingly. They know that you are the one who broke what has been broken. They don’t let you have the luxury of forgetting the truth. Whatever you had hoped and imagined to do with your son, or your sons, as I have more than one, at the age of five, is impossible to do, at the age of nine. The word impossible has a very solid definition. Unchangeable.

           Whatever you were doing at the time in your life, the only time in your life, in which you “could have done”, that certain something, whatever it is, or was, past tense, as you will never get that time back, with your children, it now is clearly revealed to torture you. Just another waste of time.

          In moments like these, especially when there are so, so many,…with more building up all the time, wasted time is who you are. Not, what you did. Why? What stops me?

          What does it mean to get it right? I have no idea. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea where to be. I have no idea what to do. I search for answers, and find none. I search for an answer. Any answer. But, I come up with nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why can’t I find it? Why can’t I find,…something?

         There is a knowing that if I don’t get it right, then that just means,…another wrong, just waiting to be lived. The other regrets are already killing me, I don’t think that I could handle another. I don’t won’t to hurt my children anymore. I don’t want to let them down again.

         I remember as a young man,…thinking of the type of father that I was going to be. That man never existed. The man I am now, is too old for him to ever exist. The winds of change have blown in my life, taking with them my youth. Also taking away any and all the things that I had so wanted to do with my children. That ship, has sailed.

         What, if anything, can I do now? Again, I come up with nothing. I am tired, I am exhausted. I desire sleep. I wish for the luxury of dreams, for luxury is exactly what I would consider them to be. My reality hurts. My heart hurts as well.

          My will to live seeks an upside so that I may have a legitimate reason to want to live any longer. I am in no way suicidal. It’s just that I almost feel as if I just don’t care anymore. Simple as that. Now, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t think, that feeling like this, is a good thing.

         What is a reason to live? Is not wanting to die, a “good” reason to live? I just don’t think so. I need more than that. Much more.

 

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Comments
  1. Joe Quatrone, Jr. says:

    You are becoming a great writer! Your punctuation is clear. Your words inspire emotion. I write more out of necessity, rather than gifting. My gift is to preach, not write. But when I am faced with the choice of either not preaching or writing, I choose to write. It is the lesser of two evils, so to speak.
    In just the 9 or so short months I have been blogging, I am very thankful and grateful we have become close friends (or as close as we can be considering the miles between us). You are my friend and I appreciate everything about you.

    I view less than ideal situations as opportunities for growth. In other words there is no such thing as an obstacle, only an opportunity (I didn’t steal that line from Joel Osteen). A few years ago, I actually wrote a book about my life. I was planning to send it to Oprah and Dr. Phil, but then my computer crashed and I lost the document. Oh no! Not only had I lived a tragic life story, but this incident with my computer crashing was tragic in and of itself. I had hundreds of computer pages typed, but my life story had disappeared. It is way too long for me to do it again. I have no desire to re-hash old memories from the past. So, I moved on. I chose to focus on the good instead of the bad. I now look at my obstacles as opportunities for growth. I do not forget all the pain from my past, but I am now considering all that hurt necessary to bring me to where I am today. If it were not for my suffering, I would have never changed.

    I once remember challenging someone about something inappropriate in their life. I said, “What you are doing is wrong. You need to change.” They dismissed me though as critical. We are still friends today, but we have agreed to disagree on this, I guess.

    Change can feel awkward, but it is sometimes necessary to get to the greater place where God wants us to be. Surgery is painful, but again it is sometimes necessary, so we can heal. I have been to the emergency room more times than I can remember – broken arms, broken legs, broken fingers, car accident, life-support, etc. Since I do not want to go through those painful situations again, I have learned what I must do differently to avoid the pain I once suffered.
    One of the things I learned was to abide in Jesus, putting continual trust in the truth of His words and the certainty of His love. To look at my circumstances – abuse, abandonment, persecution, poverty – and conclude I am not loved by Jesus is the opposite of abiding in Christ. To abide in Him means continuing to believe, moment-by-moment, day-by-day, that I am loved by Him. And this is where I want to encourage you. Everything that comes into your life, under Jesus’ sovereign authority, (Mt. 8:8) is part of His love for you. If it is painful, He says, “Fear not, for the worst that can happen is death, and I have overcome death. I will be with you to the end and you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just” (Mt. 10:28, 28:20; Lk. 14:14; Jn. 11:25-26). God’s favor is upon you! (that line is from Joel Osteen).

    I am struggling too, my friend. It seems this is part of the human condition. Please know my prayers are with you.

  2. johnedoe says:

    yo Joe bro!!!! I’m glad it made you think. I’m glad it made you feel something. Whatever that something may be. This piece is actually an old piece. The longer and edited version will be in my book,…when and if the time comes. All that you have ever read that I have written on wordpress have only been my “rough notes.” I write very fast, to only capture my basic thoughts, and or feelings. I have recently (as well as in the past) been adding to all that I have ever posted. Punctuation, etc,….one has to truly “want” to follow what I write, and be willing to do so with patience,…much patience,…

    As a human, I write about very human things and experiences,…some of my experiences, I pray that others will never experience. But, some can and will relate to what I have been through,…others won’t. Such is life, Right?????

    As a christian,…I write about very human things and experiences,…(do you see the common thread there??? heh heh),…I know that I write about some “unpopular” scriptures,…I do so with purpose. I do so with intent. Why wouldn’t I??? It is my belief that every word in the bible is there for a reason and a purpose. The purpose of every word is to bring us more spiritual freedom and increase our closeness with God and Jesus. In other words, they are there for us to have PEACE. TRUE PEACE.

    they are also there for us to have CONTENTMENT (SOUND FAMILIAR, JOE?)

    I sat to just say, “glad you liked it”, but instead, I am letting my fingers keep moving,……..

    Contentment??? Here is a very good example. I picked up my youngest son last evening about 5;30. We went and cut a Christmas tree together in the Oklahoma back woods. It is a beautiful cedar. This we delivered to my mother’s house. (And it smells great too, by the way.) She loved it when she saw it. I had stood it up outside as my son rang her doorbell,……..do you think that she “really” loved the tree, Joe??? What she loved was seeing her son, together with his son,…after many lost and missed years of our life. is this the contentment part? not yet.

    A new friend and also tattoo customer, in appreciation for my tattoo work, had given me an enormous train set. The engine itself is about 5 inches long (you may have had one as a kid) I could easily make a track 50 feet long! This guy had combined 3 different train sets, so,…my son and I began assembling it in my mom’s living room floor. which she didn’t protest. I watched as she made cookies and played with my son. She put on christmas music cd’s, and her house came to life. childhood memories (only “good” childhood memories) peacefully flooded my soul. my spirit rested. my mom danced with my son. they laughed together.

    Contentment??? Why am I writing about contentment now??? During all that we did last night, for the first time in my life in many, many, many, years,…….I FELT AS IF I HAD TO BE ABSOLUTELY NO WHERE ELSE!!!,…I was right where I wanted and needed to be. I know now that the rest of my life will be this way. Why do I say that I know?????

    As I have grown, and as I have learned different things that are written in the bible. As I have practiced what I have learned. As I have looked inside of me. i have learned how to accept myself. there is (for me) no such thing as this closure thing, which some seek. There is only acceptance…

    I know who I am. I know the wrongs which I have done in life. I know the mistakes which I have made. I have the memories. I always will. As we learn, and practice what we are taught by jesus, the memories must take a far back seat,…..and further back each day, as the new “good and godly” memories simply replace the old,…do we RRRREEEEAAALLLLLLLYYYYYYY WANT, WHAT SO MANY OF US SAY THAT WE WANT???? ESPECIALLY, “WE”, AS CHRISTIANS???

    ok,….so much more to say, but I’m gonna pause now. My little boy wants cereal,…”IF MY SON WANTS CEREAL, WILL I GIVE HIM NEGLECT????”,…heh heh heh,…hey joe, does that sort of sound familiar??? hhhmmmmmmm,…FAMILIAR??? FAMILY???,…coincidence??? I think not.

    yeah,…I believe in jesus,…and the coolest part is,…JESUS BELIEVED IN ME. and HE STILL DOES,………………………………………………………………………………he knocks now through my child,…

  3. What?……………………….just kidding JD. I get it. The present is a thin line of reality that slides along dividing the past from the future. Live in that thin line and move on. Concentrate on all that God is doing around you. That bug crawling along the floor, the sound of the wind, that disgusting homeless guy who keeps asking for 10 bucks to go buy beer, or that still small voice which desires you to fulfill your purpose for being here. You are still in the middle of this thing until it is time to go.

    Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
    Phil 3:12 (ESV)

    • johnedoe says:

      HOW GOES HIPPO!!!!??????? hey man (and anyone else!) i wrote this piece a long time ago,….this is in no way how i feel or how my life and attitude is now,….in fact,….i sit next to my mother and son as we watch a movie together,……..life is good,….very very good!,….keep stoppin in and sharing from time to time hippo,……thanks man,…..you still have my phone number???? if so, use it any time,…..

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