A PEACE OF MY HEART, AND A PEACE OF MY MIND

Posted: November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

LIFE IS FUNNY SOMETIMES,…IT JUST IS,…actually, it’s us, the people, that are funny,…….we just are.

And that’s ok. Then again, what other choice is there? I have learned so much while in blogland. And I have remembered so much as well. Actually, not remembered, but, I have allowed certain things that I have known for a very long time to awaken within me.

What I mean is,…at one time in my life, I was quite social. I, for the most part, was social in a superficial kind of way, though. The old, small talk thing. Do you know what I mean? I would talk about safe things. Non challenging thins. Non threatening things. But inside of me, even then, was the desire to, and the need to,…truly and deeply communicate. Especially about the things that churned inside of me, and raged through my mind.

To get answers, we must ask questions. But I didn’t know who to ask what to. I only knew that if I kept it safe, then I would not and could not be threatened by the exposing of my heartfelt questions. And, in thus revealing my questions, I felt as if I was threatening me. So,…small talk was my way of fitting in. My way of being social. Inside I was screaming.

Maybe, I still am? Maybe, in my own way, this is why I write stuff and post it.

I experienced quite a few childhood traumas. These things can form a shell around a person without us even knowing that it is happening. A self defense mechanism. Self preservation. And all of the other times that fit with the protecting of one self. We are scared. We are hurt. We are afraid to be hurt again.

We need love. But we don’t really know what love is anymore. We want to fit in. but who exactly are we going to fit in with? And of course, if we are outcast, we are hurt yet again. We try. We fail. We still have hope,…we don’t want to give up, and throw in the towel. One day we will certainly get it right, won’t we? Others do, don’t they? Yet at the same time, caution has taught our hope to be quiet. When one is hiding from an enemy who is near, staying quiet is how we keep from being revealed. Or from being found out. Or, being killed.

A broken child has insecurities that are indescribable. Limited understanding and life experience makes this a fact. Our, vocabulary, of the emotions and feelings and thoughts that we carry,…is too limited to express what is inside of us. We have a patience unlike most will ever have. This patience has been developed through our quiet desperation. Patience, is not always, a virtue.

So, we must keep trying. I think that inside we know that if we do not try, then we must admit to our self, that there is something very, very wrong with us.

If we give in to this feeling of imperfection and brokenness, then we remove our self from the hope,…of ever being loved. No love. No fitting in. around this,…all else means little to nothing to us. We are now worthless. Not good enough. Everyone else is better than we are. If and when our thoughts, feelings, and opinions can not be shared with someone, or anyone who cares,…in even the smallest way, then we resign our self to say nothing. Lock it way. Lock us away. Until we see a choice, we can not make a choice. We have to work with,…only what we have,…which is what we know. And, all we know…

More later……

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