Posted: November 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

by johnedoe

Much like how you would feel if you were in a near freezing river, swimming against a well defined and purposeful current. It’s desperate waters moving many times faster than you could ever possibly swim. In this river, rapids and rapidly are almost impossible to distinguish between.
Dark and icy waters pulling at you and tearing at you with razor sharp talons,…as if to tear you free from the icy waters, freeing you, momentarily,…taking flight to feed it’s young.
To remind you of it’s hold on you, the river uses the gravity of it’s intent, as well as the gravity of your situation, to introduce you to it’s vanishing point,…as well as your’s. Your future uses your past to compel you further back. Even farther than, not only where you started, but even deeper into what you so desperately needed to, and were trying in vain, to leave behind.
Our minds tell us we can’t escape our past. Our hearts tell us to keep trying, and our hope is what keeps encouraging us to keep moving our arms and legs. And to never give up. We know the only way out of this situation is forward. Here, forward is against the flow. Your fight or flight mechanism tells you to find a different way, and fast…your mind tells you, “good fuckin luck!”…
In truth, you know that there are actually two ways out. Even as your mind observes your options, you still have to watch the others, with as much unfeeling bewilderment as you can fake.
Hopelessness bites down on your neck, as you set your eyes on the decaying, emaciated, bloated, and lifeless bodies of your fellow swimmers. Their rising and bobbing never to mimicked by even the worst contestants on dancing with the stars, as they float past you during their voyage home. You had hoped it was just a piranha. Or a whole damn school of em for that matter.
Those lucky bastards, you whisper to yourself. Surrounded by all the others, journeymen, yet still so alone. But to you, that’s nothing new. This is a much different kind of alone.
The moment has come when you allow yourself the privilege of knowing that you will still be very much alive as you go over the edge of the falls, and into the abyss below. The abyss which, at least for now, is still in the beyond.
“Falling from grace doesn’t have a damn thing on this one”, you think to no one besides yourself,…….not that it really matters, because who the fuck is there to hear you anyway?
Even though the senses in your extremities are all but non existent, you’re suddenly, yet not quite so surprisingly aware that you feel an all new kind of cold overcoming you.
So fucking what? At this point, this is far from the last of your immediate concerns.
Raisng your head from the rough waters to take a deep breath, you see another of your traveling companions drifting towards you, feet first. This one looks as though his plan is to go over the edge feet first, with the intention of simply landing on dry land standing up, and then just calmly walk away. “Whatever floats your boat, pal?”…“Let me know how that works out for ya.”
As he passes beside you, time seems to slow. His mottled bluish face is leaned to the side, facing you, partially submerged in the turbulent waters. His eyes are open as if surprised to see you here, with clenched teeth, and his lips drawn back, cheeks pulled towards his ears. His expression was that he was just happy to see you.
At least that was what you were telling yourself until you were so rudely interrupted. His hand on his slightly outstretched arms had lightly snagged in the hem of your shirt, this causing his body to rotate slowly on the waters. So much for your landing feet first idea. You had a lucid flash of dropping a watermelon from the back of your father’s truck when you were a little boy…you thought of the sound it made when it hit the driveway. Yup, that’s about right. His face was going to wear a much different expression in just a few short moments, he thought. You won’t be smiling then…the smile?
Leaving the memory of that past behind, he came back to the here and now smile…The here and now smile had begun to tell you something else entirely, the truth.
You understood that he “really” was smiling, and now you knew why as well, or, not so well…truth be known. He smiled because he knew something that was very important. He smiled because he and all the others knew, what you didn’t.
They were all aware of what it must be like to be alive as they went over the edge of never, never…denial, for them, was not any kind of sane option…giving up hope, and giving in to the undeniable pull was.
The smile on his face was a shared, yet unseen or spoken sentiment of all the others. This was their last happiness because they had given up long before the edge of never, never, to avoid experiencing even more pain than they already had in what was left of their lives.
You laugh very loudly to yourself to keep from hearing the sound of your own screaming. Although you’re experiencing true terror, you find it in yourself to think, “well that puts an entirely new spin on an old saying, go, with the flow!”
Humor has always been your defense mechanism against trauma,…until now, because it wasn’t working this time.
As an end to your epiphany, you notice that you have began to swim faster, and harder, hoping that the burning of your muscles will chase the chill away. You have done this many times in your life.
Like your third double shot of whiskey on a cold night,…“gimmee another down on this end, buddy.”You always need another…but there is, never enough…you swallow hard,…but your mouth is already dry. In the river of despair, one always thirsts…
Inside you think to remind yourself that giving up is not an option, “lucky bastards!“ Your arms and legs are aching and tired. You keep swimming. Your lungs burn. You keep swimming. You don’t fear drowning. That would be the easy way out of this river, what you do fear, is the waterfall that is downstream from you as you struggle. Even now, you feel it licking your feet. The native indians called this place,…Darkness falls.
As the waters rush over the edge into the eternal nothingness…the sound of the rush reminds you of something, but not quite warning you of what’s coming, almost as if toying with you…It has been growing louder each and every second, though unnoticed in the commotion of your thoughts.
In the focus of your newly dawned thought, you knew you were lying to yourself. The truth is that the falling waters weren’t growing any louder at all,…The truth is,…you have just been encouraged closer to it’s exodus. “Where’s Moses when you need him?”
You hear it’s overpowering roar no matter how you hard you try to tune it out. You begin to allow yourself the pleasure of making desperate sounds of your desperate struggle, as if reminding your heart that you are still trying, unless it should mistake your silence, for weakness, and give up before you do.
It’s unmistakably easy, to not, just know, but actually feel that the exodus ahead as it hungers, constantly. From out of, “God knows where”, the word, voracious, slams into your mind! And it does this powerfully enough to introduce you to a whole new list of pains!
How could this happen? Seconds earlier, you were absolutely certain that you had already met all of those in the, “Pain” family,…..even the bastard cousins, twice removed….
Voracious, you have never used this word until now. Nor did you have a reason. But, you know damn sure know it’s definition!
“Voracious must be a third cousin from Russia…..???”
Your humor is still not working,…at all…
Somewhere deeper inside of you,…you swim harder to keep from having to shake his hand, not to be rude, but some introductions are best, when avoided like the plague. This one was one of those times. You don’t speak Russian anyway…
No one has ever told you, yet, even then, and without the slightest doubt, instinctually, you know that these falls are not just voracious,…they’re bottomless.
Turning to steam in the void, and then into pure nothingness. In the void not so distant. Again you find yourself motivated even more by the thought of falling for an eternity into this cold dark place. This place that is patiently waiting for you. Thought hell?!,…This is awareness, this is reality.
There are now no more minutes or hours in your days, nor are there any days or weeks in your life. Only seconds. This is how you know that your torture has lasted, and that it isn’t over yet.
And they have grown louder every day, a constant ringing in your ears. Pain has a way of motivating,…and killing….
Yet you still hope,……against the current,….always it seems, against the current…… keep swimming,………you can do this,…you can do this!,……………your lungs burn,……………your heart pounding in an attempt to keep supplying oxygen to your near exhausted mind,……… realize that you must be beginning to grow delusional,………hypothermia, you conclude, is getting the best of you now………god damn it, you had tried,……….you realized you were no longer kicking your feet………you know that God hasn’t abandoned you,……but that, you,….have abandoned anything to do with Him…..yet you also realize,……something else,…………… your delusion,…………that you have actually begun to pray?……………………not enough oxygen,…….that must be it?……………..and you thought that,…suicide, was the last act of a desperate man?…
You learn something old every day…some things aren’t worth learning…
I’ll be damned, you thought out loud…you had also stopped paddling your arms…
You roll over on your back and stare up the sky one last time. You had forgotten how beautiful it was. The deep blue would have warmed your soul,…if it had a little longer to do so,…billowing white clouds added even more to the taken for granted picture perfect beauty above,…“that cloud looks like an elephant.”
You remember back to when you were five years old. Laying on your back in the cool grass in the safety of your yard,…looking for cloud shapes. In your memory, your father is laying next to you in the grass, he laughs as you point out different animals to him. You can hear his laugh…“this is a good day, son,”…you smiled…“what is that one there?”, he was saying. “a gorilla!” you answered. You smiled and said, “I love you daddy!”,…he said, “I love you too, kid.” you still smiled the rest of that day.
How could you have missed something so beautiful as this??? How could I have been such a fool…you looked at the clouds again….
There was no smile on your face now,…like there were on the faces of the others…things change,…and darkness falls…
And the waters did what the waters do

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