A LETTER TO GOD,…

Posted: November 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

A LETTER TO GOD…

by johnedoe

MY LETTER TO GOD, in need of answers

What would I say to my mom, if I could even speak to her without crying? Where would I start? How do I start to tell her the things I have to say? How many of the things that I carry inside of me could I talk to her about?

How much more would my heart break if I saw or heard her cry just one more time because her youngest son feels so broken? I guess I’m just scared that she might think that I want her to put “Humpty Dumpty” back together again.

There are so many things that I want to tell her and need to tell her. Because the longer I wait to tell her how much I have missed, then she could easily think that I must not miss her at all. I am the one that knows for sure that it is just the opposite, but you see, that doesn’t let her know, now “does it???”

I want to tell her how sorry I am for what I’ve become. And that I have tried to get my life “right”, but it seems that I always fail.

IF A BLACK SHEEP COULD TYPE????…….it’s funny (peculiar) how the timing of how certain things come to be in our lives,…..and the “impact” that these things can have on us,…and by our own choices, we are the ones who then decide if the impact was to be in a good or bad way. WORDS ARE POWERFUL,…WHETHER WRITTEN,…OR SPOKEN,…

the power of the following words, when combined with my growing faith, which is a choice that I have made as no one else can have “MY” faith for me,…have now, given me the strength and courage to,…even with,…and in the midst of my many, many flaws,…allowed me to fight back all of the fears that have stopped me from letting my mother know just how much I love her and miss her every day.

So, tonight, I am writing a letter to her unlike any other that I have ever written,…it is the single most difficult thing that I have ever tried to write! all of my life,…I have wanted to make her PROUD to have been my mother,…yet,…I have failed so many times, for too long,…no matter how hard I try, it seems.

There is no time left for me to think that “tomorrow” is the day that I’ll get everything “RIGHT” IN MY LIFE TO DO SUCH,…AFTER I SEND THIS LETTER TO HER,…”THEN”, IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES,…MY MOTHER WILL “NEVER” HAVE TO WONDER AGAIN WHAT AND HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER,….AS WELL AS HOW ASHAMED I AM OF MY FAILURES,…AND HOW SORRY THAT I AM FOR LEAVING HER THERE ALONE. CAUSING HER TO THINK THAT IN THE “SILENCE” THAT I HAVE LET THERE BE BETWEEN US,…THAT I “DIDN’T LOVE HER”,….I regret the things I HAVEN’T DONE,…so much more than the things THAT I HAVE DONE,…choices???

The thought of her ever having to cry another tear because of me, breaks my fuckin heart,…I am the cause of my own pain,…and I am the only one who can change that,…..so I am. if failure finds me again in my efforts to be a better son tomorrow,…then I will KEEP ON TRYING,…at this moment in time, quite literally, these words are all I have to give. so I keep typing…

In a few minutes “I WILL” PUSH THE “SEND” BUTTON!,…as I hope and pray that I am finally doing at least “one thing right in my life.

THE FOLLOWING IS SOMETHING THAT A NEW FRIEND OF MINE HAD POSTED ON HER PAGE,

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you too, and she would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

“What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

“I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.”

She thought about it for a moment, and then said… “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up, I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s.

“I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.

“It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said.

“Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home.

“Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment I understood the importance of saying, in time, “I LOVE YOU.” And to give our loved ones the time they deserve. Because nothing is more important in life than family… and they shouldn’t be put off until “some other time.”

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Comments
  1. Woody Stone says:

    Very good Sir. Better choices produce better men. Glad for your choices and efforts.

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