Archive for November, 2012


DR SHELTER, and mr hide…COMING SOON…….

TO THE SURPRISE OF MANY WHO HAVE READ A “FEW” OF MY WRITINGS, THEN THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE, OF SORTS, TO YOU,……some of you anyway…………

Everything that I have written here on my blog, whether dark, or otherwise,…has been written with one intent. This intent is based on my hope in life. My hope is that there truly is a God who loves us. Not just a God who loves us, as christins, as this would not be biblically accurate, but a God who loves each and every individual one the face of this earth!

Not only is this my hope,..but more importantly (to me),…this is also my belief.

Do I “REALLY” feel that we all need a savior??? Yes. But, what I write about is this. Do I REALLY AND DEEPLY FEEL that “I, MYSELF” NEED A SAVIOR??? ABSOLUTELY! if you only knew???

AS I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE, I HAVE SEEN MANY THINGS. SOME GOOD, SOME,…BEYOND ATROCIOUS. CAN A PERSON BECOME OVERWHELMED WITH WHAT WE HAVE SEEN IN LIFE??? WITH WHAT WE HAVE, OUR SELF, EXPERIENCED??? ABSOLUTELY!

I SAY THIS WITH CONFIDENCE. WHY??? I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. IT IS EASY TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS WHEN WE LOOK DEEP WITHIN OUR SELF. WHEN WE REMOVE OUR FOCUS FROM OTHERS, TO LOOK INSTEAD, DEEPLY INSIDE OF US,…THEN THIS IS WHEN, I BELIEVE, THAT WE TRULY SEE THE NEED, AND OUR NEED, FOR GOD.

THIS WAS, AND STILL IS,….THE CASE FOR ME. That is not to say that I “have not” let my self be distracted, and or lose my focus, thus my healthy perspective, from time to time…

To me,….a “healthy” perspective,…is a “GODLY PERSPECTIVE.”

THE MORE THAT I LEARN HOW GOD SEES ME, THE MORE I AM ABLE TO SEE AND COME TO GRIPS WITH MY SELF…….THEN THE MORE THAT I AM ABLE TO ACCEPT OTHERS. PERIOD.

AND, IN THIS ACCEPTANCE OF OTHERS, I AM LOVING THEM MORE, THE MORE THAT I ACCEPT THEM. AND THIS IS A GOOD THING. A GODLY THING.

I LEARN MORE EVERY DAY HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME. HOW MUCH GOD ACCEPTS ME,….AND HOW MUCH HE HAS ALWAYS ACCEPTED AND LOVED ME. MY PEACE GROWS AS I GROW.

WE ARE TOLD THAT “WE LOVE GOD,…BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US” have you ever heard, OR READ FOR YOURSELF, that scripture???

I ASK YOU NOW, AND IN A “LIGHTHEARTED” WAY,…what is a part of the SIMPLE AND TRUE WAY THAT WE (AS CHRISTIANS) LOVE GOD??? we love God/Jesus,……through our faith.

“FAITH”,…meaning, our “having faith/placing faith” in Him,….IS AN INTEGRAL, GODLY, NORMAL, HEALTHY, SPIRITUAL, PART OF OUR LOVE. love??? faith???

A PART OF “OUR” LOVING GOD…??????????

BUT,…WE “LOVE GOD/JESUS” BECAUSE,…HE “FIRST” LOVED US?????? CORRECT???????

NOW,…I ASK YOU TO LOOK AT WHAT YOU MAY HAVE SEEN ONLY ONE WAY MOST OF YOUR LIFE,…OR MOST OF YOUR LIVES,……..WHICH IS THIS. Based on what I have just said,…..WE “ALL”,…EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HUMANS,..ARE NOW AND BECAUSE OF,…ABLE TO LOVE GOD, AND JESUS,………………

BECAUSE,……..JESUS,………..HAS FAITH,………IN US.

AS A LOVING FATHER ENCOURAGES A SON ON A LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL FIELD IN A BEAUTIFUL AND LOVING AND ESPECIALLY IN A NON CONDEMNING WAY,…..THEN ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY SECOND of each and every day,………

A LOVING FATHER WHO IS RIGHT THERE WITH US, AND CHEERING HIM, OR HER ON!!!,….letting them know that they do NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING IMPRESSIVE AT ALL,……..that the Father’s Love is what matters the most!!!

Children, catch the ball “better” in and with love like this!!! They also throw “better”, in and with love like this! They do,…WE “ALL” DO, EVERYTHING BETTER in and with love like this!!! WITH LOVE LIKE THIS!!!

WITH FATHERLY LOVE, TRUE GODLY LOVE,…..A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US!!! WHY??????

BECAUSE OUR DADDY,…”HAS FAITH”,….IN,….US!!!

When we let our “SELF” see this,….then we “CAN and WILL” see A GOD WHO IS FAR BIGGER THAN ANY WORDS WRITTEN EVER WILL BE…………….

WE LOVE HIM, BECAUSE,….HE FIRST LOVED US…………….yup,…….I believe so……………..

DR SHELTER????????

JESUS, THE GREAT PHYSICIAN! THE GREAT HEALER! OUR TRUE SHELTER! Jesus tells us that we can go in out of the door and find rest,…….we live in and with loving and complete, never deserting us, acceptance! IN ACCEPTING HIM,…WE ARE FOREVER HIS,…NOTHING CAN CHANGE THIS!!!

mr hide????????

As a (hu)man,…the dark caves of our life, WE EXIST IN,…when we try to earn, a gift that we can “never” pay for……

We, INSTEAD OF GOING TO, TURNING TO, THE DOCTOR, “continue” to try this, that and the other…..IN VAIN,…in an exhausting attempt/effort to find what we are looking for. To find what we truly need. What that “something” inside of us yearns for,…..we remain cursed to live a life of hiding in a facade,….camouflaged right in plain sight. Just like Adam in the Garden of Eden

Yet everything that we do,….without God,….AND HIS TRUE 100% LOVING ACCEPTANCE.,….AMOUNTS TO NOTHING……….just a man,…a “mister”

a human title,…a human life,…in our man???? Cave. A “man” cave??? That’s funny……..lol

DR SHELTER,………….or,……..mr hide?????????????

JESUS IS MY HEALER,….JESUS IS MY SHELTER……………..i chose not to die in a dark and lonely cave,…………….no matter whether we want to call that normal or not.

if we listen, we will hear the still small voice,…….and the ever light and gentle knocking sound upon the doors to our hearts,…………………………..i answered my door

Advertisements

THE DARK SIDE OF NEVER NEVER,…

Posted: November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

THE DARK SIDE OF NEVER NEVER……

by johnedoe

THIS PIECE WAS WRITTEN QUITE A WHILE BACK,……this is absolutely not how i think and feel now,………..things change, especially when we choose for them to, and then, act upon our choices,………..

THE HUMAN MIND IS AN AMAZING THING,…a powerful thing. And also, even though invisible, and non existent, it is a thing which can not be escaped.

         Our brains reside inside of us, inside of our human bodies,…more specifically,…inside of our head. But, even then, this being a fact, it seems to me, that we reside, inside of it’s thoughts. Through and because of our, or it’s thoughts, where we can sometimes live in a reality which is dictated by our own brain. A reality, which can sometimes be a prison. Can this prison be escaped? Most of my life, I had thought so, but now, at this moment,…I just don’t know anymore. I feel as if my head,…has become too big for my body. My thoughts have revealed to me, my limits. The limits of my, here and now.

         I thought to myself, what if, no matter what, I just write about exactly what I’m thinking and feeling today? This is not unusual, as, for the most part, it’s why we blog in the first place. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves for any and all others in the world to see. It’s just what we do. For whatever reason.

         But, what if, you, or I, as the case is,…were having a bad day? Truth be told, thus known,…much worse that a bad day, in fact, a terrible day? Terrible, meaning, you have no idea who you are or where you are going, in and with your life? My life…where you not only feel lost, but you have come to a place where you have to admit to yourself, that you , in reality,…are lost. Beyond lost actually.

         Where one can easily feel as if you are floating in space. Where there is no sound, and no feeling. Nothing. All that you know for sure is that you are still breathing. And that is all. But, in that void, there exists one thing that you are always aware of. Time. Time is here with you. You know this, because even in the darkness,…you can see time passing you by. But never far enough that you can’t see it. At best, it at times, appears blurry, and hidden in the shadows.

          In a time where most people are sleeping. Resting. And dreaming. Your life exists wandering somewhere beyond the dark side of the moon. So, I think now, what if I just wrote it all down? Just today’s thoughts? Not my, all the time, thoughts, but, just those of today? Of this moment? What would I think if I read this tomorrow? Would there be any way at all in which I could laugh at how I feel as I write this?

         The human mind can perhaps only handle just so much, before it starts to shut down. Or, hide from itself. Many of us have an escape from their waking world, through their dreams. But,…I don’t. I never have. My life surrounds me, always. At times like these, it consumes me. Trying to strangle me. Does it not know, that in killing me,…it will also be taking it’s own life?

        Last night, in an unplanned, and impromptu attempt to go the movies, as a way to get away from my usual, haven, I went to a very unique, and rather high class, ironically, which I’m not, shopping and entertainment mall. I discovered that the only movie which I really even cared to watch, didn’t start for an hour and a half from the time of my arrival. I was pretty sure that this was too long for me to want to wait, so I sat out front to smoke a cigarette, while deciding if waiting was an option.

        The mall, in which the theatre resided, had an open air, outdoor setting in the middle of all of it’s stores and shops. There were people everywhere. Music playing. Quite a lively, and enjoyable place. For most people. A nice escape from the confines of their homes, and their everyday life.

        There were small fountains and wading pools in the courtyard in which there were children playing, as the warm weather of phoenix allowed them to do. Kids with their parents. Their families. Families enjoying their time with one another. Just being normal, enjoying their lives.

         I quietly envied them, although, I was still able to be thankful for what they so beautifully enjoyed,…together. My loneliness has never been so profound. I was thinking of my children. And also thinking of what we, weren’t doing, together. We weren’t playing in the fountains. Part of me wanted to get closer to the others, as if their happiness may rub off on me somehow. To feel the water splashed upon me, might make me feel more real,…more alive,…or,…feel, something. I stayed at a distance, and smoked another cigarette.

          My life won’t offer me this now,…it can’t. I have learned better at this point in my life. There is no denial anymore. I would, never be, an actual part of that kind of life. And it hurt. I kept my distance. When you aren’t with, or near your children, when you so desire to be, the sense of hollowness can become almost overwhelming. Your heart reaches out for them, yet your hands can’t touch them.

          Your regrets are your very lively companions. And the words they speak to you, are not kind words. They challenge you to fix what is so broken in your life, mockingly. They know that you are the one who broke what has been broken. They don’t let you have the luxury of forgetting the truth. Whatever you had hoped and imagined to do with your son, or your sons, as I have more than one, at the age of five, is impossible to do, at the age of nine. The word impossible has a very solid definition. Unchangeable.

           Whatever you were doing at the time in your life, the only time in your life, in which you “could have done”, that certain something, whatever it is, or was, past tense, as you will never get that time back, with your children, it now is clearly revealed to torture you. Just another waste of time.

          In moments like these, especially when there are so, so many,…with more building up all the time, wasted time is who you are. Not, what you did. Why? What stops me?

          What does it mean to get it right? I have no idea. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea where to be. I have no idea what to do. I search for answers, and find none. I search for an answer. Any answer. But, I come up with nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why can’t I find it? Why can’t I find,…something?

         There is a knowing that if I don’t get it right, then that just means,…another wrong, just waiting to be lived. The other regrets are already killing me, I don’t think that I could handle another. I don’t won’t to hurt my children anymore. I don’t want to let them down again.

         I remember as a young man,…thinking of the type of father that I was going to be. That man never existed. The man I am now, is too old for him to ever exist. The winds of change have blown in my life, taking with them my youth. Also taking away any and all the things that I had so wanted to do with my children. That ship, has sailed.

         What, if anything, can I do now? Again, I come up with nothing. I am tired, I am exhausted. I desire sleep. I wish for the luxury of dreams, for luxury is exactly what I would consider them to be. My reality hurts. My heart hurts as well.

          My will to live seeks an upside so that I may have a legitimate reason to want to live any longer. I am in no way suicidal. It’s just that I almost feel as if I just don’t care anymore. Simple as that. Now, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t think, that feeling like this, is a good thing.

         What is a reason to live? Is not wanting to die, a “good” reason to live? I just don’t think so. I need more than that. Much more.

 

THE LAST STOP MOTEL (early notes)

Posted: November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

THE LAST STOP MOTEL (chapter one) copyright john e doe

by johnedoe

You know, 43 years is a lifetime for someone that’s 43 yrs old,….I mean up until that point anyway.

Seems to make sense, right? For many people, this may be true. For those who may have been blessed with what appears to me to be, a normal life,…I wonder how many of them, truly know, just how good they have it? Since their lives are normal,…do they just take it, their life, for granted? Do they only consider each day, to be as the next, with only the slightest of deviations in their patterns,…in their rhythm?

I no longer look at them. The world, or just my world, has moved ahead to a much different time and place. A very real time and place, nonetheless. In simple admission, I myself, never could find normal. I couldn’t even find it’s distant cousin, from Chicago,…twice removed. I didn’t come from the normal mold, so I had no actual and specific starting point. Thinking about it now as I am, the yellow brick road was the closest thing that I ever even saw that seemed to be a sort of, semi-practical map. Leading to the hopeful promise of normal. Or at least maybe something like normal? That path didn’t do it for me, as the wingdamonkeys fucked that all up for me. Although, I did experiment with poppies, in my late teens. Ok, actually the product made from the poppies, if you know what I mean? I had hoped they might help me find my own road to normal. I guess rehab is normal,…at least for some. Leaving rehab, I had to find another way, or path, or,…a door, there.

I tried many that I had hoped might take me there, but, I could find no doors. As for where I am now? This, this is the place that I have chosen for what may be, or actually is to be, I’m somewhat afraid, my last stand. It is just as good a place as any, I suppose. I have learned the hard, but somehow freeing truth that, no matter where you go,…there you are. Now,…if anyone knows otherwise, now would be a good time to let me know…jus sayin. I have learned that any loving advice, when not encouragingly shared, with someone, or anyone,…just ain’t worth a shit.

Me, I have reached the point where I feel as if I have lived way too many years in my lifetime. In fact, too many for anyone’s lifetime. When you come to the point where the meaning of life just feels like a contest with no prize for the winner at the end,…then why fuckin play? Why play at all? I think of the old saying about, “Keeping up with the Joneses” so many of us humans only seem to exist to simply outdo our neighbors. Always have more than, and want more than, the other person has. I think they preferred the saying “He who dies with the most toys wins!” Wins what you asshole!?…how exactly do such stupid and selfish people, make so much damn money? I want to ask if this is, really who we are? But who’d even listen? I don’t guess that anyone bothered to tell all the rat racers, that due to the shit economy, the Joneses are now living in a homeless shelter about six blocks from here. Oh well,…they can have a reunion with em soon enough. Oh well.

But, as far as I am truly concerned, well,…I’m still alive, right? So that right there is saying something, isn’t it. I’m a survivor. I have made it so much further than many whom I have known. My motto has always been, to,…die trying. Their motto was to,…try dying. They found success in their efforts. I was still alive. Still,…here. To live to fight another day. Another battle. In the many battles that life throws our way. Ya win some,…ya lose some. Until,…the last stand. I gotta shake that off! You’ll know when the time has arrived as soon as it shows up. Keep fighting!

I am a fighter. A fierce fighter. I have developed a resilience in my many battles. Many are done when the first battle comes their way. They feel as if their life is already over, and they kill themselves. What the hell people? What it must be like to go down without a fight!? My heart wants to go out to these type of people, but I can’t afford to drop my shields to let it. Never let my guard down. Be cautious. I am a fighter,…

But even then, though I am a fighter, how much pain, and how much weight, do you think that, one man, can carry around inside of himself? Burdened by it’s combined weight, my agility and energy has faded. Weakened. My mind is still sharp, but even then,…there are, these, moments? As if someone has stolen tiny pieces as I sleep. Totally unbeknownst to me? Five years ago,…this would have been impossible. That was then, this is now.

Gravity, must be affected by the simple passage of time. If only Sir Isaac Newton would have been from Switzerland, the time capitol of the world, perhaps, his formula would be somewhat different today. Objects would still fall at the same speed,…only now, with his new and improved formula, the damage from the impact would increase over the years. Constantly. And it would increase,…as,…they fell. When ground zero, or rock bottom is rudely discovered, does the proof become evident. Or, does the evidence, become the proof? I don’t need proof. I know what my future holds. The future is very patient, as it, much like myself, has absolutely nowhere to be. Why even try, for that matter? Any sane person knows that the future, in and of itself,…can never even exist. It can’t exist,…because that contradicts it’s very own nature, and also,…it’s intent. I remember being on long trips with my family. In the back seat of my father’s old Impala. Seated between my older brother and sister, I was at their mercy, which they didn’t have. Anyway, enough about them, as we haven’t spoken in over fifteen years. So, I really don’t see much of a rational reason for thinking about them now….

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? To this constant inquiry, the answer was always the same, and also louder each time, “We’ll get there,…When, we get there!”

That sums up the future in a nutshell.

Here I am now,…my, luggage, is jam packed. So full that the case almost wants to explode from the pressure. Soon enough, I think to myself. “we’ll get there,…when we,…….”

So, how many memories? How much pain? And where Is it that the good memories have gone, to? The good times? There actually were some of those times in my life, so where the hell are the good memories when you really need them? Probably hanging out with cops somewhere, as the saying goes, cops are never around when you really need one, either. But,…life isn’t fair. Fair, is a place where pigs win big blue ribbons. Life is where you step in the pig shit. If only they gave out blue ribbons for that? I’d have to rent a warehouse just to store them in. and that won’t be happening any time soon. Fuck blue ribbons. As for the how many memories can one man carry? Carry on his back, before he just disintegrates under the pressure? I know the answer to that one. I wished I didn’t, but I do, So much more, than a little too well…but, “lessons learned the hard way are the ones more easily remembered.” Much more so, when the very existence of our hope, is attached to, the knowing of, the correct answer. Kinda like a bad tattoo. These bad memories are there as long as I/you/me live. A permanent reminder. Till death do us part. God, I hope so… I have learned to count on my new regrets. They have never failed me. Each day, or so it seems, they show up like clockwork. Just like a homeless aids victim who shows up in the downtown food line, awaiting his piece of stale bread. Bread or steak, it doesn’t matter at all here. There is no difference. A necessity is a necessity. My regrets need me.

I have tried, a few times at the very least, to convince myself that they don’t need me. If only I could prove that to myself, I could get rid of them, once and for all. Finally, one day, leaving them behind for good. One licks my hand now, a restless regret searching for it’s crumb for the day. It’s vital and life sustaining treat. It knows who it’s master is. And these regrets have so, so many brothers and sisters…..It licks the other hand. A chill runs through me. Time to feed my children.

Normal suddenly, yet quietly, pops back into mind. I hear the laughter of children. I can smell the chicken frying on the stove in the kitchen. Relaxing after a long day at work, I settle into my chair to let my tired muscles soothe themselves. The satisfaction of accomplishment out weighs any muscle ache I could ever have. My children run past me. My five year old son chasing his older sister through the house. Quick glances and happy fun filled smiles my way, acknowledge my presence as they pass by. My beautiful and loving wife steps from the kitchen to slow the children’s haphazard chase. But, as usual, too late to catch their attention without an all out, over-expending of energy. She instead, wiping her hands on a dish towel as she does so, just smiles and lightly shakes her head. She was a kid once too. I fall in love with her again on the spot. She is not beautiful, she is beauty itself. How did a guy like me, end up with someone like her? I must have done something very right?

As she turns back to the kitchen, this is when she sees that I came in the door quietly. Smiling, she begins to walk slowly, and playfully, towards me. She likes to sit in my lap and rock with me, so I remain calmly seated, and wait. She has a certain way of seating herself on my lap. I can’t even begin to explain it. But, I love it. She knows that I do. I reach out slowly to take her by the hand. I can taste her lips before she is even seated, our fingers touch…………God, I love this woman…..

A car horn honks, in the exact moment, it’s driver intentionally drives through a puddle of cold and filthy water next to a clogged curb drain. My entire left pant leg is soaked through instantly, as is much of my old jacket. I feel nothing, except another lick at my hand, and a nibble at my fingertips. My regrets are remaining me that we truly belong together. We deserve each other. Love has many different definitions. The driver honks as he speeds away, and, I’m sure just to let me know that someone truly cares and notices that I’m alive, he calls me an asshole… We show love, in many different ways too, don’t we?

The smell of my wife’s perfume fades from my nostrils…and the smell of her hair………..though now, a new smell rises up through the tiny holes of the cast iron lid which covers the opening which leads to the city sewer main line. In my mind, I smell my wife’s perfume again. But now, mixed with this, new fragrance, I gag, and throw up on my shoes. It’s not the first time……

Normal. At one time I allowed myself to be happy for others. The ones who had what I, as a child, had hoped that I would one day have. I hear the car horn again, a final reminder of, not only who I am,….but, where I am, as well. I no longer allow myself to be happy for them. This is why I also, no longer look at normal. In my early years, I just knew that I would get, it, right. But now,…right is only the opposite of left. Left? I let a small laugh wake inside of me as I let my thoughts speak. Left? I see my father’s taillights drive away from me the night that he left. I think of the car that just soaked me…it’s taillights. Why I felt nothing as the water drenched me. I felt pain, as my father’s taillights shrank into the distance. Pain is only a feeling. So, I learned, just turn off the feelings, or at least learn to control them, and one can turn off the pain as a result of doing so. Whatever it takes. Remember,…I’m a survivor. Surviving, is not a gift, it’s a skill. A skill which, over the years,…can be precision tuned. And I am very good at it. Maybe one of the best. I would trade this skill, this art, in a heartbeat,…if only I could be this precisely dialed into a way with, and of,…getting things right!? No, that will never happen…I’m a fuck up, and I am all too aware of it. It’s okay now. Leaving my, I can get something, fight, fantasy behind as quickly as possible,…I let reality show me, one more fuckin time,…that I just never can get it right,…I’m not even sure what, it, is anymore? It slips away from me more as those tiny pieces of my mind are stolen while I lay sleeping. I tried to do things right. I tried to get things right,…I tried to be a good person, god damnit! I know that I did! That I do!,…?!…?,…fuck.

Or maybe, I want to tell myself, need to tell myself,…that I have? That I did? I‘m just not too sure of anything anymore,…

But, now, here I am in this place. The destination which the purchase price of my ticket brought me to. As I look around, my surroundings have become slightly surreal. I wonder if the poppies are comin back on me. They aren’t. not sure how I know what is happening now exactly, but,…what I do know is that a question rises from deep in my soul, but with very little disturbance. Which I find surprising in itself. How do I know that it’s a question? I have absolutely no idea. But, I am one hundred percent positive that I am right. I wait. I know. I try to focus on these changes, but I’m not able to do so. I prepare for battle. This is that time. My senses are heightened unlike any time before. My mind races, faster by the second. Heart rate escalated…breathing faster….harder……..adrenaline coursing through my veins. I have never……..never………..what the fuck…….

In a split second, all is back to how it usually is. Still stuck in the mystery,…..but totally calm. My hearing is on high alert,….in a second,….I will know why. I know now. Words begin. Crystal clear. Smooth. Precise. Full of emotion, but bland. I think to myself, “this is what undeniable fact sounds like when it speaks.” due to my situation,…I listened…very,….very,…closely

The voice asked,….“What happens when you get to a point where you hear the music playing,…and you know that it’s time to pay the fiddler?” And that was all that it asked. The answer came from somewhere within me. Somewhere very cleverly hidden. I didn’t even know it was there. But I am not shocked. In the slightest. My attention is fully captivated…and locked on to what can only be described as speaking thoughts,….???,….or,……it doesn’t matter what it is,…..I listen,…and I hear……………………..I,……need???…….what I am hearing,…is,….me.

But there is also someone else. Or, it’s as if, I, am someone else……but what I hear,…….I need……………and I want………..I speak,………it speaks??????……………..something locked away????……….I listen……………..as I throw up on my shoes for a second time in less than an hour. But missing not a word……. The voice said,…….The bible says , that God will not be mocked,…for we reap what we sow. I’m reaping now,….getting what I deserve,…meaning, the consequences for my actions in life are knockin on my door,…LOUDLY, very loudly,…….AND THEY’RE CRAWLIN THROUGH THE WINDOWS AS WELL,….I’M SURROUNDED BY MY ”MISTAKES????”,….I’M HAUNTED BY MY ”COMPROMISES”,……….. I have no home,……no land,…………very few possessions at all,….. I am naked,…..as well as alone,…………..it’s dark here,….and it’s cold,…..so fuckin cold,………my mind races,……….. I can smell my children’s breath as they sleep,….I can brush back their hair,……I can love them while they sleep and gaze upon their faces, for as they sleep peacefully,….I feel as if there are a few hours left in my life in and with which I’m going to get things right,……….finally,……….but, I’m always wrong,…………..my daughter is grown. A life of her own now…..and gone,……having only seen her 3 times in her life,……she is beautiful,…..and I am thankful,……….I’ve missed so much,……..because of my own choices,………two other children from another marriage, a boy and a girl,……….but,…I was always gone. I was always out on the road chasing something. Perhaps, I was chasing me…….maybe I was going to catch up to the man that I could become?,……… now I realize that I was running,…from me,……I was the one who tore my life apart. I was the one who did this. I was the one who brought me here,………to this place,……….Loneliness and isolation,……my pain is self chosen,……the executioner awaits,……every night I hear him sharpen his blade,……..I know the sound all too well, I have heard it many times. Many times. Over, and over, and over…..around and around…….for hours. My grandpa would sharpen his knives on a little whetstone on the rickety front porch of his old home site in the Oklahoma hills,…….we sat, side by side, in the two old rocking chairs which rested there. Always waiting,…patiently. I would sit quietly with him, this man, this mystery,…..he taught me to carve anything that I could imagine out of any piece of wood that I could find. He lovingly and calmly taught me the importance of never denying the danger which the razor sharp carving knives posed to one who acted as a fool. He told me that the knives how no feelings at all,…but, if I did not listen to what he was showing me,…that I would find in a bad way that my, fingers, or worse,…did, have feelings……..I loved him,….and he loved me……….I never once cut myself. While I carved, my grampa sat next to me calmly and patiently,……….peaceful. That is what it was. Peace. This old man was my grandpa. He, just livin his life,…..day after day,……….waitin for his time to come,………..in peace. He had no fear. He did have concern for me,…which is a healthy fear……..I miss him,…..so there he sits, and he sharpens his blade,…. around and around on the stone,……again and again,…………..the sound is almost hypnotic……The rhythm pulses in my ears,………my grandpa is long gone,……lightning struck his house, the flames did what they do,………and all was gone,…………..never going back,………………….like I said, I know what it is that I hear,………..the executioner has been paid,……. now, it’s up to me to square my bill,………they say that death is the debt that all men pay,………………..the blade grows sharper,………….and I wait,…….but, I’m a fighter, remember!? I knew I was not a fighter. I was just scared,………….and desperate………………..a film of some kind begins,…blurry et first,…..then crystal clear,……..full color…………3D………..now I watch the movie of the life that I have lived,……….I wanted to believe as a child that maybe there was going to be a happily ever after,………..I had one last child, a son,…….the only one of my children that I was a father to,…… he was my little boy, my best friend and my buddy,……he made all seem right,………he is now gone as well,………………. I watch them all grow up in the pictures in my mind,……………. the tear stains, from my tears, mar the images,……….I try to organize everything in my mind, for organizing things in life is obviously impossible for me,….. but now,…..even my mind is weary,……my once strong imagination has begun to flicker like the well used batteries in a flashlight,……..the tell tale signs,…..the kind you don’t ask god to show you, but you definitely get to see…….am I asking you to feel sorry for me?,…..absolutely not……………a friend of mine once told me this,….he said, ”you can see trouble coming,…..but you can’t avoid it!”,………as I began moving my lips to tell him to fuck himself, I had to agree with him,…………I have lived my life as a fool,……………I have been in involved in the most terrible situations, situations which I fuckin chose to be a part of,………… I hear the clock ticking louder everyday…..as Poe said there came a rapping, tapping,…. tapping at my chamber door,…………. I’m not even scared,……I’m just aware,…………..I am fucked,………….and so goddamn alone,……even with people around me,……..I know that I’m dying more each minute,……….. my one last shot at life,……the big finish,……………..my opus,……………..out with a bang…..or maybe, that’s just the sound of first place in Russian Roulette,…and as I lay bleeding, I find myself still hoping to escape the man that I have chose to become………do I fear hell?,…..eternal torment?!……..you ever think about that word, eternal?,….I’d be willing to bet it means, constant…. How bout, torment? Having to see, as well as feel the results of my choices….as I said, do I want you to feel sorry for me?……….I could only see you as a fool if you did,….and then, I wouldn’t even want your stupid ass near me,…. I am much like the family dog,….the friendly old family dog, the dog that when it has been hit by a car and is so overcome with pain, that it shockingly bites the hand of the one that tries to help,…………….I have been hit,……I know pain,………I have bitten, and I will bite again,………………..but just like the dog, I’m the one who chose to walk in front of the car. Even after my father said to make sure to look left and right before trying to cross the road,…….the road?,……that’s funny to me only now……. You see God told me to watch out for cars too,….He warned me right up until the impact. He is here with me now as I lay bleeding,.. The lights in my mind, in my heart and in my life are almost out,…. The images of my children dim to keep me from screaming,….I have proven to myself, as well as god, that they are better off without me,……….I have failed,……..I know this,….I am tired of the lie,…….what people think doesn’t matter to me any longer,…. I wish I had those close enough to me to hold my hand as I die,…. For one reason, or another I don’t,…….my dreams have turned to dust,….my mouth is dry,……….I feel a hot wind blow,…..but I’m still cold,….so cold,…………………………….my father asked me to be by his side on his death bed,….I didn’t,…..for whatever reason,…. But that doesn’t matter now,……………………

I miss father,….so much,…….soon, all too soon, I’m afraid we will share two secrets,….secrets that you never have to be concerned about telling anyone, for you will dead when you come to truly learn, or actually grasp,…what they,……this is my,….and maybe, your,……..special reward…….the reward for the life which we chose……or,…..is there is still time,……the life that we,…..choose…………chose,…….one of which is this,……. THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

You know this to be in inescapable reality, for you smell the stench from the fresh tar even now, especially now. You wonder what brimstone smells like, and laugh….you don’t remember learning to operate the paving machine,……but you have somehow become, one of the best in the business…………a job well done,….something’s missing you realize and you know what it is at the same time,…… There are no painted lines on this highway……this is, your road…..the road less traveled This is,…that road….that just like the dog, you tried to cross,……..

The final secret that he and I share? The secret that finally breaks your heart and stops it in it’s tracks…for in this place,…..with this secret, you realize that there is no need to carry on,….that you, by choice have come to make your last stand,…or just rest……….. …..here and now….. at the,…LAST STOP MOTEL Where once you’re here,….you learn what it means to check out at any time, but you can never leave,…………. So now, I sit in my room,…alone,…..the knock at the door?,….room service?,……it no longer matters,…..why do they ignore the DO NOT DISTURB sign,…..and even though the curtains are drawn tight you know the light out side is fading,……. In this place, you can no longer hurt any one, ever again,….nor can you be hurt anymore,…..or so you hoped,…………the music stops, it’s time to pay the fiddler,….so, what do you pay him with? You have nothing left.


Why did I write the last stop motel?

Many of us only see a stranger from an outward view. Actually, this is the only way that we can see someone that we do not meet and get to know about in person. No contact. This is a superficial view. The word superficial, usually has a negative connotation to it. It is often heard, or used, when one calls another, shallow. Coldly said, in judgment, or, counter-judgment. But, here and now, it is used a bit more broadly. In a hope of illuminating our view of others. Especially strangers.

Strangers? The mysterious person, who is always just on the outside of the group. The one in the back. The quiet person. Many times, a stranger makes others uncomfortable just because of their existence. Why is this?

In answer to the question, A simple solution to removing the mystery of an individual, is to have a conversation with them. When we do not do this, our imagination comes up with whatever answers it chooses. And they are usually wrong.

Questions and answers, talking and listening. Getting to know someone. Isn’t that how it’s done? In today’s world, I don’t think that we do talk to each other as much as we used to. We seem to be growing farther apart, instead of growing closer together.

Actually, in fact, we are simply,…staying apart. This we do, because of, not getting closer. Our society has been tainted by fear. And, the fear that I speak of now, is an unhealthy fear. This fear is destructive. It leaves individuals, to be individuals.

Loneliness is called loneliness for a good reason. We, as one person, are alone. We have heard these fear based sayings for the last forty years especially,…things like, “don’t talk to strangers”,…and a new term, which is, “stranger danger.” using rhyme to make it more memorable…especially for children.

Fact is, if we never spoke to a stranger, or took the time to get to know them,…then,…none of us would have any friends at all, would we?

But now,…we, perhaps too often,…just leave strangers,…alone. Separation is isolation. In the prison system, isolation is the worst form of punishment, outside of the death penalty. Isolation, is like the death penalty, except the, individual, is alive to feel his loneliness. At least, thankfully, the electric chair is, in this respect,…merciful.

Someone on death row, is referred to as a “dead man walking.” this term may only be used when they are walking to their actual end. Lethal injection. Firing squad. Hanging. Gas chamber. Electric chair. Dead man walking.

In the every day world in which we live, a person, when left alone, or ignored, or neglected,…every second they are a dead man (or woman) walking.

The stranger. Most of us no more than glance their way. Just long enough to take note of their presence among, or near us. And then we go about, our, business.

We see them, for the most part, as just another human, not so different than our self. But every one of us has a story. A past. Some of our pasts have been extremely painful. Some, so much so, that we have never told another human about what we have been through. There are many different reasons for not doing so.

But, whatever we have experienced in our lives, can remain very alive in our memories. And, this is not always a good thing. Especially if what we have experienced has been tragic,…and painful. So,…when, and if, we dress like the next person, talk like the next person, have a normal job like the next person, etc,…then we can just kind of blend in with the rest of society. This is false acceptance. But this is not who we are. This is how we appear,…and what we do. Who we are, is on the inside of us. And this,…is where, this, begins.

The character in the last stop motel is a person who is quietly tortured by regrets. Memories of the very bad and painful things in his life is what he has to guide his life. Is he me? Yes. He was me. Is he still me? No.

But, no matter if this is past tense, or present tense,…the memories are still with me. Good ones bad ones, happy ones, sad ones.

Why do I say that his memories guide his life? Because until we see, or find, or are offered a new way to live our life, or a new path, other than the one which we have walked, and have lived,…we just keep gong the best way that we know how. Not sure if we are going forward. Or sideways. Or even backwards. Many times we have no idea where we are going. We just breathe in and out. And keep going, for as long as we can.

As I already wrote, we all have a different life experience. Some of us had very stable and loving parents. Through them, we developed our patterns, or, they developed our patterns. One way or another, we will carry these things with us as we live our life.

Good memories, of good examples,…are good motivators. As we see that hope is much more than an unattainable word. Through a Godly family, we have something, something good, that those from an unGodly family don’t. We have a real world, faith based, structure. A solid structure. A practical structure.

I’m stopping here for now……


LIFE IS FUNNY SOMETIMES,…IT JUST IS,…actually, it’s us, the people, that are funny,…….we just are.

And that’s ok. Then again, what other choice is there? I have learned so much while in blogland. And I have remembered so much as well. Actually, not remembered, but, I have allowed certain things that I have known for a very long time to awaken within me.

What I mean is,…at one time in my life, I was quite social. I, for the most part, was social in a superficial kind of way, though. The old, small talk thing. Do you know what I mean? I would talk about safe things. Non challenging thins. Non threatening things. But inside of me, even then, was the desire to, and the need to,…truly and deeply communicate. Especially about the things that churned inside of me, and raged through my mind.

To get answers, we must ask questions. But I didn’t know who to ask what to. I only knew that if I kept it safe, then I would not and could not be threatened by the exposing of my heartfelt questions. And, in thus revealing my questions, I felt as if I was threatening me. So,…small talk was my way of fitting in. My way of being social. Inside I was screaming.

Maybe, I still am? Maybe, in my own way, this is why I write stuff and post it.

I experienced quite a few childhood traumas. These things can form a shell around a person without us even knowing that it is happening. A self defense mechanism. Self preservation. And all of the other times that fit with the protecting of one self. We are scared. We are hurt. We are afraid to be hurt again.

We need love. But we don’t really know what love is anymore. We want to fit in. but who exactly are we going to fit in with? And of course, if we are outcast, we are hurt yet again. We try. We fail. We still have hope,…we don’t want to give up, and throw in the towel. One day we will certainly get it right, won’t we? Others do, don’t they? Yet at the same time, caution has taught our hope to be quiet. When one is hiding from an enemy who is near, staying quiet is how we keep from being revealed. Or from being found out. Or, being killed.

A broken child has insecurities that are indescribable. Limited understanding and life experience makes this a fact. Our, vocabulary, of the emotions and feelings and thoughts that we carry,…is too limited to express what is inside of us. We have a patience unlike most will ever have. This patience has been developed through our quiet desperation. Patience, is not always, a virtue.

So, we must keep trying. I think that inside we know that if we do not try, then we must admit to our self, that there is something very, very wrong with us.

If we give in to this feeling of imperfection and brokenness, then we remove our self from the hope,…of ever being loved. No love. No fitting in. around this,…all else means little to nothing to us. We are now worthless. Not good enough. Everyone else is better than we are. If and when our thoughts, feelings, and opinions can not be shared with someone, or anyone who cares,…in even the smallest way, then we resign our self to say nothing. Lock it way. Lock us away. Until we see a choice, we can not make a choice. We have to work with,…only what we have,…which is what we know. And, all we know…

More later……

walking in the light,…

Posted: November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 WALKING IN THE LIGHT???

by johnedoe

OK,…this began as a comment on a blog about what it means to be a Godly person,….and then,…one thought kinds lad to the other,…..and,…well,…you’ll see,…………..lol

A Godly person??? hhhhhmmmmmm… You know, with where I am in life now, I think about this question. Not a lot necessarily, but, mainly, I think about it in the sense of, do I, each day, and for the most part, all day, “whatever comes my way”, (if I allow myself to get knocked off balance) do I get my focus back to where it should be, and needs to be, as quickly as possible???

What I mean is…for us to have and be a “good witness”, by concentrating on who God is, and is to be, in our own life, as a Living Savior,…and in our drawing near to Him,…then our witness is an automatic result of where we stand each day.

I have found that in doing this, “drawing closer”, as an individual who is “working out my own salvation”, knowing that doing this is for my own good, first and foremost, and this is not said selfishly, by the way, then I have no worries what another may think of me.

Many times, brand new baby Christians are encouraged (or, pushed???) to go out on an instant soul winning, conversion program. This can be a very dangerous thing, in their “new” condition. Instead of encouraging their focus to be on their Savior, they can instead be taught to focus on people, in a “works” kind of way.

The cart can quickly be put “before” the horse,…and the new believer starves for what is truly needed in their live,…and for their life,… faith first,…works second,…

If our life ever shifts to where it is,… “works first”,…and, “faith second”,…then we can easily be “living our faith” under “our own power.” (doing what “we” choose, instead of what God chooses and wants for us) Jesus spoke of how “the wind blows where it wants to”, such is how the spirit of God moves (within) us.

There is no set in stone daily 12 step program of (hollow) motions to follow, when we,…through and because of our “faith first” attitude and focus,…simply yield ourselves to God. we are told that “bodily exercise profits little”…our human body, when self willed does human (fleshly/carnal) works, or, exercises, if you will??? In learning of, and walking close to Jesus, we are exercising “spiritually.” This is how we “go on” (forward) unto the “perfecting of our faith.”

We, as humans, will never be perfect, as it, in and of itself, “is impossible for us to do.” Corruptible flesh, etc,…

But, instead, it is through our faith, that we grow. And in growing, we mature. And in maturing, our witness is stronger and more “real”, to any and all others, day by day. We are solid in what we believe.

“When we were children,…we spoke as children” But, (action of faith coming up next) LET US “PUT AWAY” OUR CHILDISH WAYS. Correct???

To, put away, something, we have to make a choice to do so. Correct? When we “do not” put away our childish ways,…then I ask,…”what are we then? Or, what do we “remain?” We remain as a child, don’t we?

We read that “whom a father (God) loves,…He corrects.” Correct? In loving obedience, to a faith, which is to give us “abundant life”, if we are, “disobedient” (or perhaps, non-yielding), then what does the Bible tell us? It says that “God’s “wrath” is poured out upon children of disobedience”, doesn’t it? my redneck translation is,…WE GET SPANKED! LOL,…but definitely, NO LOL!

There are times in which, through and because of our stubbornness, “not only” do we, and, are we, missing out on our loving closeness with God, but we are also in a, well,…a constant state of correction.

Many times, this is when we, as humans, want to blame good old satan for causing our rough days,…(or God)…when,…in fact,…our rough days may be, “us just reaping what we sow”.

Are we walking by faith? If so, we are automatically, “sowing spiritually”, thus, we will reap, spiritually. But, the other side of the coin,…are we walking as a human? And “trying to think” (or, allowing our self to be deceived into thinking) that we are living a “Christian life” while doing so?

hhhhhhmmmmmmmm…so,…if we are walking in the flesh,…firstly,…and not walking in faith, “spiritually”,…would we then be (by our own neglect and willful choice),…in what we do,…in how we live,…and lastly, in what we “sow”,…be sowing,…to the flesh? If we are,…are we not told as a loving truth,…that we will be sowing to the flesh?

At which point, we are susceptible to correction, aren’t we? What is the Godly and healthy point behind correction? How about,…(simple redneck thought here),…a,…blessed life?

To be “conformed”, this is part of our maturing process, isn’t it? Or, a part of our overall, “salvation?” Maturing is necessary. But to mature, we must, of our own choosing, desire to grow. Correct???

If we are living in pursuing the desires of our flesh,…meaning,…satisfying our human wants, then I ask ALL, “are WE, as Jesus tells (lovingly commands) us,…TAKING UP OUR CROSS EVERY DAY AND IN DOING SO, FOLLOWING HIM?” This is something that every one of us as believers should absolutely give some serious thought and prayer to!

I am thinking of myself as I write this…I truly desire to grow closer to Jesus and thus,…walking in the light,…HIS LIGHT,…EACH AND EVERY DAY. I KNOW THIS TO BE FACT,…AS DOES JESUS. I say this in “no way at all” to make anyone feel guilty! I know how satan works quite well!

When words such as I have just written, are read by others,…”if” some of the others do not, and are not, desiring to walk closer to Jesus in faith, then “this is” when satan tries to have a field day by telling any and all of us, “believers” that we are, guilty!

If we give thought to these (untrue) accusations, and let them have place in our minds,….then,…it is going to be too easy for satan to continue on in our minds and tell us,…that we are NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

So,…because of our faults, our neglect, and our sin,…that we “should not even think” about “trying” to live a life of lively, healthy, and strong faith,…because we will only fail!

Listen closely,…..this is a lie. LIES ARE THE TOOL THE SATAN LOVES TO USE THE MOST! Remember this! And never forget this!

Jesus is the what? THE TRUTH. SO,…AS AN OPPOSITE,…satan is the what? THE FATHER OF LIES. Correct??? Do the scriptures say that “we shall know the “lies”, and the “lies” shall make us free???” No. But if it IS left up to satan, then that IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WILL TELL US!

And, if we believe his lies, we will remain locked in our own personal prison. As a “freed believer?” Why would we do something so stupid as this?

Jesus himself tells us that “none of us are good enough!” He took our place in the electric chair! (upon the cross) He rode the lightning in our place! IN JESUS’ DOING SO,…WE HAVE BEEN AND ARE,….FOREVER FREE! WE CAN (now and because of God’s mercy/grace/and forgiveness) NOW COME BOLDLY INTO THE THRONE ROOM AND HAVE COMMUNION WITH GOD! None of US WHO BELIEVE are guilty!

We, may have a Godly “conviction” which is not condemning guilt, but, instead, this conviction, motivates us to yield to a loving God. And in doing so, we get to experience the good gifts that are waiting for us all!

GOD SAYS THE HE IS THE “REWARDER” OF THOSE OF US WHO DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM!” have you ever read that? I say this in love, then, YOU NEED TO! We all need to! And then, do what we read!

Jesus is, and was our scapegoat! (google this!) Our sins were placed upon Him,…BY HIS OWN DESIGN. And these sins were forever removed from us! HE IS THE PERFECT LAMB,….GOD’S SELF PROVIDED PERFECT SACRIFICE!

{do you remember the ram from the story where abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac, his son? (I didn’t google this, so , are these the correct people in the story? thanks!) where was the ram discovered? What was on Jesus’ head when He was crucified??? God already had a way out, but Abraham had to have faith, didn’t he? Fact is, I am absolutely glad that I was not in the situation the Abraham was! We, as beliver’s in Jesus, have it so easy!}

Yup, Jesus,…the perfect sacrifice, the perfect lamb, WITHOUT SPOT OR BLEMISH! THE ONE TIME FINAL HIGH PRIEST REPRESENTING THE PEOPLE! ALL THE PEOPLE! FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD!

satan is the “accuser of all Christians” but Jesus steps us as the one who freed us FOREVER from the guilt which we once lived under, (due to, and because of, the rules of the law)…and reminds satan that “who the son has freed, then we are free in deed! So, as believers, “IF GOD IS FOR US (AND HE IS!) THEN WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?”

Well, the word devil means THE ONE WHO OPPOSES GOD. SO? WHO IS AGAINST US?Yup satan,..so what? Again, satan is a liar! If you have truly received/believed on and in Jesus, as your savior, His Holy Spirit dwells within you!

GREATER IS HE,…WHO IS “IN” US,….THAN,…HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD.

Who is in us? Yup, Jesus. Who is in the world? Yup, satan…………

IF WE CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS US,…..(WHICH I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN),…then wouldn’t that mean that we can walk daily in faith with Him? And follow him? While doing this thankfully and lovingly? Taking up our cross,….and maturing,….and in OUR CHOOSING to do so,…then we no longer live under constant correction? Well, I believe that is exactly what we can do. But, yet again, only in, and through faith.

Okay, I didn’t see this as being a 27 page comment, if I am in the wrong here, I want to apologize to you and the others. I’ll copy this and continue writing it for my next post. So, if you need to, or want to delete, no sweat! Ok? Again, sorry if you feel that I have not practiced wisdom, and restraint, ok?

So, do we ever “wonder” why God, does not seem, to be very real in our life? Why we can’t “hear” Him??? Or, why we can’t “see” Him??? There may be a valid and solid reason why we can’t???

We are told to “SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AND “HIS” RIGHTEOUSNESS (AND ONLY THEN) AND EVERYTHING WHICH WE NEED (TO LIVE AN ABUNDANTLY FREE AND POWERFUL LIFE) WILL BE GIVEN TO US!” (my redneck translation and modification) (google Matthew six)

And, also in Matthew 6, we are also “told to do this seeking first” (faith is an action verb,…do we act upon our faith???) Do we do this, every day!!!??? I ask myself, “Do I, myself, do this every day?” Yes I do. Have I always? No.

Now, someone ask me “this” question,….”hey john e doe, just how was your life when you weren’t (WERE NOT!) placing God where He is supposed to be and where you truly needed Him to be???!!!

MAN! THANKS FOR ASKING! THAT RIGHT THERE IS A GREAT QUESTION!!! MY ANSWER IS THIS,…MY LIFE SUCKED! Or, I’ll say it this way,…my life sucked!!! Yup, that about covers it!

And yield to God, and follow Jesus to do so, this could be referred to as “spiritual common sense”, couldn’t it?

So, faith??? hhhmmm,…maybe there is just a tad more to it? God’s spirit,…through our spiritual life,…is what is conforming us, to the image of His Son,………. not because we do good deeds. not because we dress like a Christian. not because we talk like a Christian. not because we go to church. not because we carry a bible on our dash. not because we wear a cross around our neck. not because we bow our head when someone says lets pray. not because we memorize scripture. not because we put money in a plate. not because we,…????????? wow,….that was kind of tiring! (see how our “works” can wear us out,…and accomplish absolutely nothing at the same time???)

Faith is because of nothing that we can or will do,…it is a gift,…a free gift,…from Jesus to us,…have you accepted this gift??? If not,…how are things going for you?

It’s as simple as believe and receive,…done deal. As they say in the baptist church I went to as a kid,…ask Him into your heart right now. His love waits. His forgiveness and acceptance waits. For all of us. No matter who you are. No matter what you have done. Whether good,…or bad……..

We are told that “Jesus stands at our door and knocks”,…I believe this,….

Many years ago,…..I opened my door and let him in,…and now, many years later…because of his mercy,…and his loving patience,…I am following him, again…with all of my, and in spite of my imperfections,…it’s true, ya know???? And this is a fact. A fact,…of faith,…HE HAS NEVER LEFT ME…NOR HAS HE FORSAKEN ME,…remember,…satan is a liar…

In faith,…the closer that we come to Him,…then the closer He is to us,…walking in faith,…(“not” by following our own works), then the more sensitive we are to the leading of His spirit, in this manner, our life of faith, is, and has (now) become,….a “spiritual” life of surprises. While we exist in a very real,…and very “carnal” world. Trust me if you want to, but I’ll tell you this,…from what I have experienced in my life,…GOD IS NOT BORING!

But,…I can’t prove what I believe to you. If you want to find out,…then you have to do what I did, which is,…just dive in,…FAITH FIRST!

I am thankful,…truly thankful,…more so than I have been in such a long time,…and it feels really good too!…my journey continues,…john


THE MILKMAN,…always rings twice…

by johnedoe

This began as a response to a comment from another’s blog,…then,…one thing led to the next,…and a whole lot of things came back to me…waking that something up inside of me…so, I let, that “something“…get up and stretch it legs, so to speak…

I love being human! lol,…Why do I say this? I am writing “these words” now, “AFTER” SPENDING AN HOUR “HAVING ALREADY WRITTEN” the following words in this comment..I laugh out loud in a good way! A fun way! And in an encouraging way! (a joyous way)…..I’ll explain what I mean…or at least I’ll try to…

But first, there is something else that I feel that I “need to share” ..…******** and I “met” about two months ago. We met through, and because of, our blogs. One visited the other’s blog, and vice versa. We, in doing so,….said “hello” to one another. As if we were, and are, in a “church building” together. He and I, as believers, are “individual” members, of the “collective” Body Of Christ. As we, as believers/christians, all are! To me, this is very cool!

Also, in us “all” grasping, adopting, having, and then, keeping this “collective members of the “Body of Christ” view,…this allows us a “way” to understand, and perhaps more-so, to “always remember” who we are.

We are all different,… {I’ll blog more on this soon} but, Godly Love is found in our consciously and willfully and knowingly accepting one another despite our differences! What happens when our differences are held on to??? The result is what,…”DIVISION” I ask you now,…what are we told, in The Bible, by GOD, that happens to a HOUSE that is DIVIDED???

God tells us, (what “should be” obvious)…in saying, “A HOUSE DIVIDED WILL NOT STAND”……So, we “all” have differences. Period.

So, in faith, with our differences seen simply, as differences, then, if and when we are (and always remain) accepting of others, then this is when we “are”, who we are, supposed to be, and are “intended“ to be, and are “designed” to be,….and are, “predestined” to be, to one another! Did that make sense???

Ok,…let’s look at a little “simple” something that Jesus Himself tells us…He says, in the Gospel of John chapter 13… 34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. Seems to be quite clear, doesn’t it??? King James translation or not. Correct??? Then, I ask us this question,…WHY IS IT SO EASY TO UNDERSTAND,…YET SEEMINGLY NEAR IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO DO??? Lol,…you like that one, doncha!!! Lol {I’ll blog more on this soon}

Unity. (OF “ONE” MIND…OF “ONE” ACCORD)…in agreement,…in harmony,…

(check out the Book of (the) Acts (of the apostles)…and read about when the Holy Spirit powerfully rushed in (to a huge gathering) and 3000 souls were added to the faith in one moment! Groove on what that means and why! You’ll dig it! Especially when you “see“ the powerful importance behind it!)

This (“Virtual Church Building”),….oooooo, I kinda dig that! Lol (thevirtuachurcha…sounds Spanish, huh?) anyway,…sorry! Lol The “virtual church point of view“,…is how I view all of those who are “in” here with us!

Jesus tells us that…. “WHERE THERE ARE TWO OR MORE GATHERED IN MY (HIS) NAME,… THEN THERE IS WHERE I (HE) WILL BE ALSO”……am I the only one who sees this as being a limitless truth??? Pretty simple, huh???

Hebrews 10:25…(but read 23 and 24 first, if you wan to) 25 Not forsaking the gathering together of yourselves, as is the manner of some, but rather, exhorting one another,…and even the more often as you see the day approaching……

To “exhort” is to basically urge someone to do (act upon) something which is very important!!! To the point of which would be just shy of begging. Almost as if pleading due to the severity of which has inspired the urge…lol……when we view this in faith, with peace,…it will not appear to be an act of desperation on the part of the one who is doing the exhorting,…

OK,…LOOK FOR A POST VERY SOON ON MY BLOG ABOUT THE VIRUAL CHURCH!!! If ******** likes it,…perhaps he will re-blog it here…

The simple facts are these,…I consider ********’s blog to be my “church”…I say this, speaking for myself. As ******** knows nothing of what I just wrote. I also consider *********, due to his caring attitude, and his concern for “The Word”,…to be my “pastor” as well. As I have for some time now…the “pastor” view is mine totally unprovoked or asked for by ******** himself. I say this because??? If you only knew????? But then again,…how “could” you know??? Unless,…I tell you, right??? (funny how that works!!!)

IN FACT…as soon as I post “this comment”,…I will make another comment explaining what “one person“,…what “one human being“,…what “one saved sinner” can do,…and has done,…in “another person’s” life. I AM THE “ANOTHER PERSON!”…to me,…that one person,…is ********.

*********,..I WRITE THIS IN “NO WAY” TO EMBARRASS YOU! I’m sorry if it does,…and please forgive me if I have, or do, ok??? (I AM GOING TO EMAIL ********* AS SOON AS I POST THIS,…THE UN-HIDDEN REASON IS THIS. You see, *********, in and because of our faith (meaning his faith/my faith) in Jesus, is my “brother”,…and he is also my friend! (my new friend, but my friend none the less) And, I am also writing this now, “because”, ********* has been an encouraging Christian friend! Would I have been writing what I am now, “before”,…having met ********????” Well….that can’t be answered, as many questions cannot, when it comes to issues of and concerning faith and God’s many and unending mysteries,…nor does it have to be answered,…as the simple fact is,…here I am now…(but, God knows the answer,…and that is what really matters)

So, as for ******* as being my friend??? The facts are this,….He has been the “best kind” of friend that I (as a Christian) could have,…other than Jesus Himself, (Who refers to Himself as our “friend!!!” As well as, Our Brother…) And, also, I would like to say that all of you others here, are my Christian Brothers and Sisters as well!!!! And, if there are any “non believers” here???, Well,…you (they) are my “neighbors!” Simply,…you (they) are my fellow man. And I’d like to say that I AM THANKFUL, (TO GOD) VERY THANKFUL,…for “any and all” of you (them) too!

I desire to “share” God’s Word(s) of “encouragement”,…”WHILE SPEAKING” my words…..as this is my true desire. in my humanness,…I will sometimes fail. or, I may not say something clearly enough,…etc,….but this “does not” in any way, mean that I do not care. So, in advance,…I ask that you forgive me for those moments…..

We are told that “GOD IS NO RESPECTER OF PERSONS” The meaning of this is very beautiful, as well as, very powerful! It means that not one of us, is more, or less, important to God than another! For any of us to “truly grow” in our faith,…and thus,…growing closer to maturing spiritually,…then this scripture must be seen very clearly! And, quite literally, cherished!!! Perhaps more importantly,…it must be “applied” in “each and every one” of our lives. This is one of the things which we are to do,…In faith. We are to let nothing ever change the truth of this scripture.

His LOVE, Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Patience, Acceptance, etc, etc, etc, etc< etc,….is FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US!!! (Sinner or Saved!!! Jew or GentiIe!!! Hebrew or Greek!!! I pray to never let this “truth” be hidden, or forgotten in my eyes!!! FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD!!! When we let this statement “rrreeeeaallllyyyyy” sink in to the depths of our being!!! My God! Talk about TRULY BEING FREE!!! The Power Of The Gospel is therein!!!…

We are to “LOVE OUR NEIGHBORS AS OUR SELF” (our selves, plural) in focusing on Jesus,…we will love them automatically,…with no “conscious” thought,…SELF-LESS-LY…THIS IS WHAT GODLY LOVE TRULY IS!……..

And we will “simply” do this,…”because of”,…who “we”, as Believing (faithful) Christians, are. Period. And that’s beyond cool…what a surprising morning this has been…

As I write this morning,…I write with joy in my heart! Thus,…and, because of “what I am writing, and why”, because of the “bringer of my faith”,…(Jesus) I have true joy in my life!…thus the exclamation points! it is a very nice thing (for me!) to feel excited about something in this life,…especially when the excitement has to do with faith! More specifically,…MY FAITH!!! Please listen,…I am, IN NO WAY, screaming for you to listen to me….that is “not” why the exclamation points are in my writings!!! ok??? please understand this.

Do any of “you” have joy in your life this day? Do you know (understand) what I mean by asking that??? I ask you this because it has been such a long, long, time that I, myself, have had true Godly joy in “my” life! And I truly thank God for this gift right now! Joy is a “bi-product” of our faith….it is available for all of us. 24/7… Are there certain “tricks”,…or “techniques of faith” to finding and acquiring joy??? My opinion is,…I think/believe that there may very well be…I’ll share what I think they may be as I go. Ok? Now, it may be today?,…Or next week?,…Or two months, and eleven days from now??? I’m not sure exactly when,…but I will share………one day…until then,…I hope that you all also share with me…

As for me,…I would like to say, so I am going to take the time to say something else here,…SO,…I SAY THIS NOW,…THANK YOU, *********.

(I have just emailed *********, and I told him what I am going to post in his comment space here,……I also told him that if it “does not” mesh with the theme of his blog,…to delete it. with no hard, or hurt feelings from my end!

Whatever the case,…I have a clear conscience as to what I shared here. I have read, and re read what I have written,…a few times actually. Also, I told Joe that I would “continue writing on this comment” and then I will post it as a new “post” on my blog,…as there is much, much, more that I would like to, or feel that I “have” (inside of me) to share concerning it’s content,….but more-so,…about the “motivation” behind it’s content. Thank You all for your kindness and your patience)

This is where I originally started writing this morning…lol…

Now, I’d like to say that when I said that,…”what I said”, was not said to “be set in stone?” What I meant, (and what I still mean), is this. We can “learn and grow” as we “ponder” whatever another has shared,…that is, “if and when” we compare it to what Jesus teaches.

Meaning, in our “desire” to truly, and daily, grow “in the faith” (as an individual) then this is when “all things said” can be a source of “inspiration” for us all…even if the things said are just, “ponder-ments.” Or,…just “thoughts.”

So,…these are a few more of “my thoughts”,…these thoughts are inspired by the scriptures,…and by other people’s (very honest and human) thoughts as well…

For example,…Jesus tells us,…”DO NOT LET YOUR “FREEDOM” IN ME, BE A REASON (OR EXCUSE???) TO WILLFULLY SIN”,…

Now, as are “many scriptures”,…this particular one has been the focus of many arguments concerning whether one is saved by faith or not…but that is not why I wrote it here today…but, I’ll come back to this at the very end of this comment, ok???

But for now, at this point,…I’d also like to “share” a couple of “first things first” things,…one of which is that “every word” that Jesus has spoken, has “so many” great things deep within them. There is, of course, the basic sentence and meaning,…and then,…there is “even more” beauty and truth when pursued further, and deeper. Much in the same manner with which one focuses a microscope…. In the Gospel of Luke, we are told to “DIG DEEP”, as this is where gold is found! Now, I “do not mean” to dig to the point where we begin to make up things to totally, OR IN ANY WAY, alter the meaning of what Jesus is saying. But instead, or rather, we dig (pursue) to “add some spice”, and or “clarity” to what Jesus/God says…

Another thing is,…which is something that I have shared “before” on ********* blog…which is this……

I “do not” quote (very seldom anyway) book/chapter/verse when I quote, (or, “rough quote”) a scripture. As doing this breaks (stutters) my thoughts (even more than they sometimes appear, lol, sort of?) I have recently, honestly let myself see and accept the reason why I “do not” do this. There really is a reason, believe it or not. lol

As well as,…why I “do”,…intentionally leave these out…

#1……For anyone who is reading this now, there is a very strong chance that you are on the internet,…(just like I am now) So, when I run across a scripture reference, I “GOOGLE” the scripture to “double check” what it says. In doing so, I am, in essence, and in reality,…READING MY BIBLE. this I do daily.

Also, MY BIBLE IS DOWNLOADED INTO MY COMPUTER. Very handy, by the way!!!!!! lol..…(check out “biblegateway” (P.S. I am known (to *********), as one of the,…“old people” who prefer the King James version…lol…thanks ********!!! Lol)

When we “pray/ask” God to “GIVE US THIS DAY, OUR DAILY BREAD”,…”IF” we “do not” read our Bible’s “daily” to “EAT OF THE TRUE (DAILY) BREAD”, as Jesus is the “BREAD SENT (DOWN) FROM HEAVEN”,….then will our “SPECIFIC” PRAYER(s) be answered??? (just a thought…)

We are also told that,…”ALL GOOD THINGS COME FROM ABOVE”…God’s Word is spiritual…”the manna from heaven” check out the importance of this stuff!!! Exodus,…

So,…I READ MY BIBLE DAILY,…and by doing such,…I am, “then, and because of”,…”eating/consuming”, God’s “spiritual food” (or milk, depending on what I am reading and seeking,…or, both,….(as it is “always a good thing” to be able to smoothly “wash down” what we are eating, doncha think??? It “helps” with our “spiritual digestion”)…….

There was a group called the “BEREANS”, who were “complimented/commended” (encouraged strongly to keep doing this!!!!) for their desire to have a solid stance/view/accuracy to, and of, their faith. (I think by Paul???? anyway) ….

#2…….Here is what I have “seen, or found, or discovered” too many times in my Christian life. (which is where my spiritual life comes from) Many of us, much too often, want someone else to “do for us”,…what we “should be doing” for our “self.”

{Have you ever heard the old “GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES” saying??? This is where it “truly” comes from. But over the years,…it has been used more in a worldly/carnal/selfish way as a “veiled attempt” to let someone know that you have no desire to help them. (not exactly a loving and spiritual truth any longer when meant that way,…is it???} Why do I feel, or think, that this is???? There are several reasons,…but in “this specific context”,…I feel the main reason, or actually, “lack of reason”,…is this,……

We want it easy. Period. (are we told to have “someone else” take up our cross, “for us???”……uuuhhhhh, no. no, we aren’t.)

lol,…but no lol,…we could call this, “The Convenience Store Jesus” mentality. Convenience stores are funny to me. now, I don’t mean funny in a “hah hah” kind of way, but in more of a “peculiar, or a strange” kind of way. And that doesn’t mean good. Why are they convenient??? Because we “get what we want” quicker. More conveniently. But, in and because of that quickness,…or that convenience, there is usually a “much higher price” for “what” it is that we are getting. Many times, the “brands” offered therein, are of “lesser quality” than at a good store. When we put “effort” into “our own” seeking,…then, “what” we harvest,…”tastes better”,…as it is appreciated more,…valued more…(or, at least this is how I feel when seeking)

We are told to (or “commanded” to) “WORK OUT OUR OWN SALVATION WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING”…….. If we truly desire to have, and ensure, a lively faith,…then these words must be heeded.

Why do I say this???

WORK out, SEEK out, and REASON out,…all go hand in hand…when we do this “in faith”…I have heard it said that this scripture “implies” that “faith without “WORK”S is dead.”

This is thought to be, and viewed by many to be so because the word, “WORK”, is used at the beginning of it…….in other words,…it is “thought” (or, “believed” to be such by some people) that this scripture means that we should “fearfully” be “doing” good works/deeds to “ensure” our salvation. This is not the case.

There is an ENORMOUS and LIFE ALTERING, (for the better and for the worse, depending on which we choose) DISTINCT DIFFERENCE between,……

A very good and healthy “GODLY FEAR!!!”……

AND, an extremely unhealthy “SATANIC FEAR!!!”…… {I will also post on these differences on my blog page very soon}

Simply put,…“Godly FEAR” brings us FREEDOM,…and even more freedom…and,…then,…more freedom,…and with this Godly freedom comes,…peace, and joy, and happiness, and increased hope,…and love,…and all things good!!!!! Etc, etc,…infinity………

Simply put,…“satanic FEAR” brings/causes us,…bondage, and pain, and hopelessness, and personal imprisonment, and torment,…and eternal and constant things that are bad,……etc, etc…

Satan(ic) “and demon(ic) influence” can be, and is, underestimated by too many Christians…I can not stress how bad for us all that this is to do…(yup, go figure, {I’ll blog on this asap, also}

I could keep going all night with what “satanic/demonic” fear does,…but not here,…and not now… {I’ll blog on this demonic fear at another time…}

GOD DID NOT GIVE US (T)HIS HOLY SPIRIT SO THAT WE WOULD,… “FEAR”,…BUT “INSTEAD” SO THAT WE COULD CRY OUT TO HIM AS OUR LOVING AND ACCEPTING DADDY………

ROMANS 8 13-17

13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.

14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.

15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

16 The Spirit itself bears witness “with” our spirit, that we are the children of God:

AND THEN THERE IS THIS FROM SECOND TIMTOHY 1;7-9

SECOND TIMOTHY 1;7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;

9 Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began,………….

Our SALVATION is based on our FAITH. We are told that “without faith, it IS IMPOSSIBLE to please God………… We are “NOT” told,…without WORKS, it is impossible to please God…

I highly recommend reading all of “Phillipians chapter 2” prayerfully (and deeply) to see it’s meaning clearly…when we bring the attitude which comes from this message in Phillipians to “our gatherings,…with and inside of us,…this is “when” and “how” we, as Christians,…from all around the world,…find a Godly Unity… {I’ll be posting this on my blog soon also}

#3…ok,…so lastly, what I have been saying is this. For, some of you, to be able to better, or more clearly understand what I am “trying/hoping” to share,…then one “may” have to put “some” effort into getting the picture. And this “can” be done, by searching the scriptures which I referenced throughout my writings…by, and for, your,…self (GOOGLE, remember?)

So,…our Freedom In Jesus? Just what does that mean???

I write these words, (again I say) as my shared thoughts…I am sorry for my lack of “politically correct and classically/formally structured” writing style. (or lack of) I have had no education as to “how to write”, so I do the best that I know how (and, I am, very, very, very, very slowly, learning to structure (better), as I go. I hope.

Ok,…so back to the freedom thing……”freedom???”

I hate to leave you hangin here, but,….I’m gonna post what I have written thus far,…and then take a break before continuing. If you only knew how slow I type, you would understand!!! Lol,…no, seriously! Trust me on this!!!! I began pecking at this at just after 10 A.M. and it is now just after 5 P.M. (I gotta say,…that “almost shocked”, even me, as I just looked at my clock!!!! Lol…oh well, it’s cool with me……

I still do not want to stop writing yet,…and it is a very good feeling, but even then,…I’m going to post this now.

Now, I know very well, as I “already” said, that I write in a sometimes “challenging” way. So please,…ask me questions on anything at all, ok??? If I, meaning my shared words and thoughts, have confused any of you, and or, left you confused in any way, then ask me, and tell me, ok??? thank you all again!!! For every thing.

I will do my best to clear up whatever I have blurred. I am not, nor will be, perfect. I make mistakes…I sometimes have oversights,…these will become fewer as my confidence in the faith grows,…until then,…I need your help and encouragement…and, fact is,…I’ll always need your encouragement.

Jesus tells us to “LOVE EACH OTHER,..AS HE LOVES US”…the more that we read, is the more that we can learn about exactly how Jesus loves us,…miracles still exist…in loving one another in this (Jesus’) manner,…you will see them happen right in front of your very eyes…………………we all will

More later…

johnedoe says: June 16, 2012 at 2:13 am I told you that I would finish concerning what just one person can do in another’s life. This is that time………So…did you ever really think much, if at all, about how the early Christian church began? How it “really” got it’s start? You can see the answer clearly as you read the New Testament,…especially if you have read the “writings” of the Apostle Paul????

And speaking of the new testament??? The same way that the early church got it’s start,…is also,…how the New Testament was “written.” Now,…digging and looking just a tad deeper,…actually, lol,…one went hand in hand with the other. so……???

I just dropped a little hint above in the sentence about the “writings of the apostle Paul“, by the way…………

Paul wrote much of the New Testament,………and it’s kinda funny,….he was in a prison a lot of the time, AS HE DID SO… Is that a little odd to any one here at all??? And another neat (to me) tidbit, is this…Paul was (almost totally) blind much of the time,…so he couldn’t even see many of the people that he was speaking to!??? (another hint) I have to think that sometimes it might be easier to speak to people that we can’t see? Perhaps we, due to our human nature,…might be “less judgmental” that way? hhhhmmmm

So,…how then did Paul do so much? Especially given his challenging situations? Did you know that Paul never actually spoke, to many of those who he,…“spoke” to??? (THE ANSWER TO THIS WILL BE ANOTHER POST ON MY BLOG)

Did that make no sense at all? lol are you sure? ok,…..the apostle Paul,…well,……HE WAS A BLOGGER!

The words that he wrote traveled to those that he didn’t ever meet,…….not via the internet,…but via,…other messengers,…and message carriers,…

ok,…must stop here,…gotta call my little boy as it’s his birthday today,…..and also,…I’m gonna write him a letter as well……but,…I’ll be back as soon as I can……and yes,…this comment, though it appears to be about Paul,…is going to be about *********,…just like I said it would,… but there is more than one way to say what we have to say……

toksoon! Thanks again,…john e doe