THE RED SEA CROSSING…walking in the valley of the shadow of death….


JOHN E DOE / ..DIE TRYING or TRY DYING….. the circus of blood Section ONE/2 part excerpt (…DIARY OF A SUICIDE post) copyright 2010

I stare at the ceiling above me,.. .. . . .you see .. .. .it’s impossible . to know,.. .  . It’s pitch black in here . confined in a room with no windows. there is , no starlight,.. .. .. and no moonlight,…it’s dark in here,… …my new, my home… … But it’s the sunlight, …… that I think of the most,…  and her,….always her. . . …my……She , still beats inside of me….always, her, .. . .. . ….I’m .empty. ,..I wouldn’t dare to pray for sleep to find me,…..due to my anger, I couldn’t even find tears,…….I feel cold……..beyond cold….somewhere in the early.. morning hours, i drifted off,.. .. ..finally .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . in my life, I have found that when I dance on the edge, this in when I feel alive,…..it’s safe for me this way, and it’s somewhat exciting as well,…for me, the real world no longer has any excitement…… I think this may be why it’s easier for older people to die, when the years have slipped away. There has to be a reason that i usually hear older people say that they go to, a better place. like the thunderous sound of incoming waves, who then quickly turn and remarkably quietly,…… slip back into themselves

I am the only one that get’s hurt this way, at least I try to convince myself that this is the case,…but, I have had to accept that this viewpoint is not true…..I found myself wanting to take her there with me so that we could watch the sun set in the east while we danced in a myriad of mesmerizing colors that would make the aurora borealis reluctant to taint the skies again. When she talked of being in a blanket on the beach, with us looking at each other, I still feel that,…even now i hear her voice. I still tell myself that she’s here….I must admit, it is…..I just,…well, nevermind. But still, even now, I want to say ….you have made me feel so special,…she showed me someone that I almost forgot existed,…me. You gave me strength…and, even with all my faults, I will forever hold that in my heart,… in mere memory, it could never do what it has done inside of me,……..and memories fade as time passes,….

There we danced, high on the edge of a cliff where we could ”believe” that gravity had no ”hold on us”,…our special place. A place where we could fly,…If only you held tightly to my hand as we stepped off the edge,…to a place where we could feel the wind pass over us as we left the real world behind,…..where I could look over at you and see you smile. And knowing that you were trusting me to take you somewhere that you have never been,…no longer feeling alone,…..nor I,…to be needed,….wanted,….loved.

My imagination can be a beautiful thing, as it is powerful beyond definition,…but, even and especially at times like these, I struggle. I have to fight to color between the lines,…as compared to a nuclear reactor, where all is fine and well as long as the energy is contained, my loneliness can be overwhelming at times….but, I know in my heart that my loneliness is also well earned,…I know that I am totally forgiven for the things that I have done wrong in my life,…but every one of those wrongs is still very much alive in my memory,…..and my memory, very much like my imagination, is crystal clear, as well as very powerful.

Memories of wrong is how we learn lessons not to repeat our earlier sins,…as they say, and, as is proven true,

INSANITY STEMS FROM MAKING THE SAME DESTRUCTIVE CHOICES, YET EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT,……

You see, in this world where we fly above the problems, the truth is, …GRAVITY DOES EXIST,…

To see you smashed upon the rocks of the beach below, a place that, to us was, once so peaceful and beautiful,…(where the sun set in the east) a place where the powerfully gentle ever changing waves once calmed us,…. …”rocking us with their rhythm”…but now I am forced to watch the waves as they rock your broken, lifeless body, forth and back back,…as if you were a piece of driftwood, mercilessly entangled in kelp,…I can’t take my eyes off of you

As I lift you from the surf, I no longer see you smile,…I no longer hear you laugh (as I could hear you laugh through the words of the letters that you have written to me..I hear them even now…but very distant) I no longer feel your warmth,……

…… the hidden essence of who you are,……

when my legs can no longer carry you away from the reality of the once powerful dream that we shared, I collapse to the sand, all the while supporting you gently as if holding one of my children, as if carrying them to bed,…to lay them to rest,….I pray to be numb,…there is no one to hear my prayers, for HE is far away,…I, left HIM,…and took you with me. And now you are so cold

I gently brush your hair back as I wipe the sand from your face, trying to find the beauty that was there only moments ago,…I hear the words, ”please god”, quietly pass my lips,……my throat chokes as I try to speak,…it burns…

I try to hope,……..I know it’s in vain, as the reality continues to seep in,….as the poison from a lethal injection must feel,…although I remain all too conscious,…I feel my veins cool,….my heart slow, missing beats as it does,……..to see this is to learn,…again,…..

I, like so many others before me, for I am not the only one, I want to scream out and ask why?!,…….I know better,……….I scream anyway, just in case I am wrong,…..desperation begs in vain…..knowing that I will live the rest of my life with the answer that I hear,….. Payment, the consequences of my choices,…………….I watch the surf break, the seagulls fly,……..I try to smell the salty air,………to feel the wind,………all of my senses are dead,…..other than my sight,…. I get to live to see this,….. I don’t get the option not to,…..this, my reward for selfishly teaching you to fly,…….
I’m sorry,….I am so sorry,………………..baby, please open your eyes,..please,….
….I continue to hold you in my arms, I gasp,….I breathe in,……..I breathe out,……. I look at your face as I continue to smooth your hair,…….the wind blows a strand across you face, I fix it back in place with my fingers, wishing that I could as easily fix what I have broken in you,……I see my hands differently now,……the hands that could do anything that I wanted them to do,….the hands that made music,…the hands that created something out of nothing,….that made words perform as if they were actors in a play,…for truly, all the world is a stage,……my fingers still move as always, but they now seem to be made of wax,…fingers that no longer have a soul,…… The life is now gone from them as is the life from your body,…….I try to remember the great things that they have done, yet nothing any longer matters, my memory is leaving as my soul dies,…….I continue to brush back your hair, I lightly stroke your cheek,…….a few disoriented grains of sand seek their place in the universe as I do so,………the universe, like nature,…..demands order, what should be, must be,….I breathe in, I breathe out,… As everything put’s itself back right, I see the shadows change upon and across your face, as if for a moment it appeared that there was life in you still,……only shadows,……..just tricks from the light,……..
I want to gaze upon your face forever, but my head won’t let me,…….it begins to move against my will, as if to respond to a taunt from a distant tormentor,……… My thoughts were true,………..the tormentor is there, waiting,…….calling me,…..all he has to do is exist,……..he is the sun,………….and here and now,…… …….. In this moment in this place,…………………….. He is setting,…in the west,……………..
And now, I do what I must, the only thing that I am allowed to do,………..I lay you to rest, ever so gently on the sand,….. I brush back your hair for the last time knowing that i must go on,……..I breathe in, I breathe out,……..I have to,…… Do what I must,…… I fold your arms across your body,…knowing that mine can hold you no longer,…….. For I have things still to do,….. On my knees beside you, I lean to kiss your lips, as I have done in life,……..as my lips touch yours,…..I,….feel,…..nothing,…….
as I stand and begin to walk, I leave you to rest,…..I think of the time that you talked about dying on the beach,….you have now got your wish,…….. “Sea or shore?”, you had asked me. My fear was dying in the water, as I continue to walk I realize the water is already waist deep,….I feel nothing,…….another step, another,………I look into the sun, the one setting in the west,….the water is higher,……another step as the tide helps to do the rest, pulling me forward and down, as my dream did to you,…….
I see the last twinkling of light I will ever see, and I remember yours,………..I slip beneath the waves,…..I give in completely,……outward and down,……the light green grows darker as I’m pulled deeper,…..
…….dark green now turns to black,……..I think of the way you made me smile,…..the way you made me feel,…….
…and laugh……………..
…………..of the way that you,…………………..loved me,……………..
………………….the warmth is no longer there,…………………I did this………..God I am so sorry,…….
……….. …… ……………..I close my eyes
……………………… ………………………… …. ………… …………….. ….. ………. ………… …………………….suddenly, in a rush, all of my senses return,………I feel,….everything……..
……. …. .. I breathe in

JOHN E DOE copyright 2010
Excerpt from “DIE TRYING or TRY DYING” (DIARY OF A SUICIDE),………………………..


a Godly person? hhhhhmmmmmm…You know Joe, with where I am in life now,…I think about this question, not a lot necessarily, but, mainly, I think about it in the sense of, do I, each day, and for the most part, all day, whatever comes my way,…if I allow myself to get knocked off balance, do I get my focus back to where it should be, and needs to be, as quickly as possible?
What I mean is, for us to have and be a “good witness”, by concentrating on who God is, and is to be, in our own life,…as a living savior,….and in our drawing near to Him,…then our witness is an automatic result of where we stand each day.

I have found that in doing this, “drawing closer”,…as an individual who is “working out my own salvation”,….knowing that doing this is for my own good, first and foremost, and this is not said selfishly, by the way,…….then I have no worries what another may think of me.

many times, brand new baby christians are encouraged (or, pushed) to go out on an instant soul winning, conversion program,…this can be a very dangerous hing in their “new” condition,…instead of encouraging their focus to be on their savior,….they can instead be taught to focus on people,…in a “works” kind of way. The cart can quickly be put “before” the horse,…and the new believer starves for what is truly needed in their live,…and for their life,…FAITH FIRST,…works second,…
If our life (FAITH) ever shifts to where it is, works first,…and faith second,…then we can easily be “living our faith” under “our own power”….(doing what “we” choose, instead of what God chooses and wants for us)…
Jesus spoke of how the wind blows where it wants to, such is how the spirit of God moves (within) us,…there is no set in stone daily 12 step program of (hollow) motions to follow, when we,…through and because of our “faith first” attitude and focus,…simply yield ourselves to God.
We are told that “bodily exercise profits little” Our human body, when self willed does human (fleshly/carnal) works, or, exercises, if you will? In learning of and walking close to Jesus, we are automatically exercising “spiritually” This is how we “go on” (forward) unto the “perfecting of our faith”
We, as humans, will never be perfect, as it is, in and of itself, “impossible for us to do.” Corruptible flesh, etc,…

But, instead, it is through our faith, that we grow.
And in growing, we mature.
And in maturing, our “witness” is stronger and more “real” to any and all others by the day……
We are solid in what we believe…
“when we were children,…we spoke as children”,…but,…(action of faith coming up next) LET US “PUT AWAY” OUR CHILDISH WAYS”,…Correct?
To “put away” something, we have to make a choice to do so,…Correct? When we “do not” put away our childish ways, then I ask,…”what are we then?” Or, what do we “remain?” We remain as a child, don’t we?

We read that “whom a father (God) loves,…He corrects” Us…correct?
In loving obedience to a faith which is to give us abundant life, if we are, “disobedient” (or perhaps, non-yielding),….then what does the Bible tell us??? It says that “God’s wrath is poured out upon children of disobedience”,…doesn’t it? Redneck translation is,…WE GET SPANKED LOL,…but definitely, NO LOL
There are times,….in which, through and because of our stubbornness,…not only do we and are we missing out on our loving closeness with God,…but we are also in a, well,…a constant state of correction. Many times,…this is when we, as humans,…want to blame good old satan for causing our rough days,…when,…in fact,…our rough days may be, “us just reaping what we sow”.

Are we walking by faith? If so,…we are automatically, “sowing spiritually”,…thus, we will reap spiritually…But,…the other side of the coin,…are we walking as a human?,…And, are we also “trying to think” (or, allowing our self to be deceived into thinking) that we are living a “christian life” while doing so???

hhhhhhmmmmmmmm…So,…if we are walking in the flesh,….”firstly”,…and not walking in faith, “spiritually”,…would we then be (by our own neglect and willful choice),…in what we do,…in how we live,…and lastly, in what we “sow”,…be sowing,…to the flesh???
If we are,…are we not told as a loving truth,…that we will be sowing to the flesh???

at which point,…we are susceptible to correction, aren’t we?
What is the Godly and healthy point behind correction? How about,…simple redneck thought here,…a,…blessed life?

To be “conformed”, this is part of our maturing process, isn’t it? or,…part of our overall, “salvation?”,…maturing is necessary,…but to mature,…we must, of our own choosing,…desire to grow,…correct???

If we are living in pursuing the desires of our flesh,…meaning,…satisfying our human wants,…
I ask ALL,…are WE, as Jesus tells (lovingly commands) us,…TAKING UP OUR CROSS EVERY DAY AND IN DOING SO, FOLLOWING HIM???
This is something that every one of us as believers should absolutely give some serious thought and prayer to!

I am thinking of myself as I write this…I truly desire to grow closer to Jesus and thus,…walking in the light,…HIS LIGHT,…EACH AND EVERY DAY,…I KNOW THIS TO BE FACT,…AS DOES JESUS…I say this in no way at all to make anyone feel guilty. I know how satan works quite well.

When words such I have just written are read by others,…”if” some of the others do not, and are not, desiring to walk closer to Jesus in faith,…then this is when satan tries to have a field day by telling any and all of us, “believers” that we are, guilty,…

If we give thought to these (untrue,false and condemning) accusations, and let them have place in our minds,…then,…it is going to be too easy for satan to continue on in our minds and tell us,…that we are NOT GOOD ENOUGH…
So,…because of our faults, our neglect, and our sin,…that we “should not even think” about “trying” to live a life of lively, healthy, and strong faith,…because we will only fail,…

Listen closely,…this is a lie. LIES ARE THE TOOL THE SATAN LOVES TO USE THE MOST…Remember this and never forget this. Jesus is the what? THE TRUTH,…SO,…AS AN OPPOSITE,…satan is the what??? THE FATHER OF LIES. Correct?…Do the scriptures say that we shall know the “lies”, and the “lies” shall make us free???…No,…but if it left up to satan,…then that IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WILL TELL US,…and thus,…we will remain locked in our own personal prison…as a “freed believer?” Why would we do something so stupid as this?

Jesus Himself tells us that “none of us are good enough” He took our place in the electric chair (upon the cross) He rode the lightning in our place!!! IN DOING SO,…WE HAVE BEEN AND ARE,….FOREVER FREE. WE CAN (now and because of God’s mercy/grace/and forgiveness) NOW COME BOLDLY INTO THE THRONE ROOM AND HAVE COMMUNION WITH GOD. None of US WHO BELIEVE are guilty!

we, may have a Godly “conviction” which is not condemning guilt, but, instead, this conviction, motivates us to yield to a loving God,…and in doing so,….we get to experience the good gifts that are waiting for us all.

GOD SAYS THE HE IS THE “REWARDER” OF THOSE OF US WHO DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM” Have you ever read that? I say this in love,…then,…YOU NEED TO. We all need to. And then do what we read.

Jesus is and was our scapegoat. (google this) Our sins were placed upon Him,…BY HIS OWN DESIGN. And they were forever removed from us. HE IS THE PERFECT LAMB,…GOD’S SELF PROVIDED PERFECT SACRIFICE.

{do you remember the ram from the story where Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac, his son???? (I didn’t google this, so Joe,….are these the correct people in the story? thanks) where was the ram discovered??? What was on Jesus’ head when He was crucified? God already had a way out, but Abraham had to have faith,…didn’t he? Fact is,…I am absolutely glad that I was not in the situation the Abraham was! We, as believer’s in Jesus, have it so easy.}

yup, Jesus,…the perfect sacrifice,…the perfect lamb,…WITHOUT SPOT OR BLEMISH. THE ONE TIME FINAL HIGH PRIEST REPRESENTING THE PEOPLE. ALL THE PEOPLE. FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD!!!

satan is the “accuser of all christians” but Jesus steps us as the one who freed us FOREVER from the guilt which we once lived under, (due to, and because of, the rules of the law)….and reminds satan that “who the son has freed,..then we are free in deed. So,…as believers,…”IF GOD IS FOR US (AND HE IS) THEN WHO CAN BE AGAINST US????” Well,…the word devil means THE ONE WHO OPPOSES GOD,…SO? WHO IS AGAINST US???……………
yup satan,…So what??? Again,…satan is a liar,……
If you/WE have truly received/believed on and in Jesus, as your savior,….His Holy Spirit dwells with in you/US.
GREATER IS HE,…WHO IS “IN” US,…THAN,…HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD?…who is in us??? Yup, Jesus. Who is in the world?…yup, satan…

IF WE CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS US,…(WHICH WE CAN),……then wouldn’t that mean that we can walk daily in faith with Him,…and follow him thankfully and lovingly,…taking up our cross,….and maturing,….and in doing so,……no longer live under constant correction? Well,…I believe that is exactly what we can do,…but, yet again,…only in and through faith…

okay Joe,….I didn’t see this as being a 27 page comment,…if I am in the wrong here, I want to apologize to you and the others,…I’ll copy this and continue writing it for my next post,…so,…if you need to,…or want to delete,…no sweat. ok? Again,…sorry if I have not practiced wisdom, and restraint,…ok?

so,…do we ever wonder why God does not seem to be very real in our life? Why we can’t “hear” Him? Or, we can’t “see” Him? There may be a reason why we can’t??? We are told to “SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AND “HIS” RIGHTEOUSNESS (AND ONLY THEN) AND EVERYTHING WHICH WE NEED TO LIVE AN ABUNDANTLY (FREE AND POWERFUL) LIFE WILL BE GIVEN TO US!” (redneck translation and modification) (google matthew six)

and, also in matthew 6, we are also “told to do” (faith is an action verb,…do we act upon our faith???) this,…every day……
I ask myself,….do I do this every day? Yes I do. Have I always? No.

Now, someone ask me “this” question,….”Hey John E Doe, just how was your life when you weren’t (WERE NOT) placing God where He is supposed to be and where you truly needed Him to be???

MAN, THANKS FOR ASKING. THAT RIGHT THERE IS A GREAT QUESTION,……
MY ANSWER IS THIS,…MY LIFE SUCKED!…or,…I’ll say it this way,…my life sucked!
Yup,…that about covers it.

and yield to God, and follow Jesus to do so…this could be referred to as “spiritual common sense”,…couldn’t it?

so,…Faith???,…hhhmmm,…maybe there is just a tad more to it?
God’s spirit,…through our spiritual life,…is what is conforming us, to the image of His Son,…
Not because we do good deeds.
Not because we dress like a christian.
Not because we talk like a christian.
Not because we go to church.
Not because we carry a bible on our dash.
Not because we wear a cross around our neck.
Not because we bow our head when someone says lets pray. Not because we memorize scripture.
Not because we put money in a plate.
Not because we,……..?????????
Wow,….that was kinda tiring! (see how our “works” can wear us out,…and accomplish absolutely nothing at the same time???)

Faith is because of nothing that we can or will do,…It is a gift,…A free gift,…from Jesus to us,…have you accepted this gift??? If not,…how are things going for you?

It’s as simple as believe and receive,…done deal…As they said in the church I went to as a kid,…ask him into your heart right now.
His love waits.
His forgiveness and acceptance waits.
For all of us. No matter who you are.
No matter what you have done.
Whether good,…or bad…
We are told that “Jesus stands at our door and knocks”,…I believe this,…many years ago,…I opened my door and let Him in,…and now, many years later…because of his mercy,…and His loving patience,…I am following Him, again…with all of my, and in spite of my imperfections,…it’s true ya know??? And this is a fact. A fact,…of faith,…HE HAS NEVER LEFT ME…NOR HAS HE FORSAKEN ME,…remember,…satan is a liar…

in faith,…the closer that we come to him,…then the closer He is to us,…walking in faith,…(“not” by following our own works),…then the more sensitive we are to the leading of His spirit,…
In this manner,…our life of faith, is, and has (now) become,…a “spiritual” life of surprises,…while we exist in a very real,…and very “carnal” world…trust me if you want to,…but I’ll tell you this,…from what I have experienced in my life,…GOD IS NOT BORING,…dive in,…FAITH FIRST.

I am thankful,…truly thankful,…my journey continues,…john e doe


HI MISS CORRENA,…HOW ARE YOU???,………on wordpress, it is sometimes difficult to answer a certain question that one has asked, in part, because the “reply” button does not always show up with eac comment made,…I saw your newest one about you being in church all day yesterday, and this is my attempt to answer/explain why I asked,…what I “thought” was a simple question,…..but, due to lack of simple answers to my question about what “Jesus teaches” us, I have almost decided my questions must be way too complicated,…..I have looked back over what I have asked quite a few times to see if my questions were just too confusing. I myself, do not think that they are,……but, as I have learned during my time on wordpress, I have found that instead of a direct answer, there seems to be much “googlig, copying, and pasting,…..this, more so than a heartfelt thought out answer, unfortunately……in our techno cyber-world, it is just too easy to copy and paste. I have learned that asking questions, for the most part, seems to be rather moot,…but if I was to ask a question, I would ask this. “do we really feel and believe that we learn anything deeply when we just copy and paste?????

God (Jesus) says that he is the rewarder of those (of us) who diligently seek him. correct???

would i think that god sees us as seeking him diligently when we simply google bits and pieces to copy and paste??? my answer is, no.

to me, this could be the equivalent of “cheating on a test” in school,…….do cheaters ever win???? no. i don’t think they do. they have learned nothing. thus, they have retained, nor understood anything,…………………..but,………we can appear to know what we are speaking of, especially when we “steal” our answers,……………

also,…i MUST CORRECT A TYPO!!!!!!!! a typo from last evening,……i wrote, there is a clear distinction between “hypocrite” and “hypocrasy”,………..what i “meant” to write was,…THERE IS A CLEAR DISTINCTION BETWEEN “HYPOCRITE” AND “CHRISTIAN”……………once we post a comment, we, as the commentor, can not edit it,…………very sorry,……………………………ok,…..movin along,…………..

correna, (and others) i am just going to take my time to do my best to convey why i asked what i did, which pertained specifically to joes post,…………when i have finished, i would like to think, as well as hope, that my intentions are very clear. my intentions are to be encouraging for all of us. encouraging and strengthening,……………in other words,…..to help create,…….like the lyrics from the old song,…”JUST A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE
“………………..a closer walk, for all of us,…………………….equally,….since,….as “jesus teaches”,…WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT,………….

i’m doing some tile work in my mom’s bathroom now,……but i’ll be back as quickly as i can,……………..in the meantime,………have you ever read about the two men who go to the temple to pray??????,……the story about the one man who “thought, or perhaps wanted to thinnk and believe how SPECIAL AND GODLY that he was????? and also,…the OTHER GUY,………WHO CRIED AND BEAT HIS CHEST AND ASKED GOD’S FORGIVENESS BECAUSE HE, IN HIS HEART, KNEW WHAT MANNER OF HUMAN HE WAS (IS) AND HOW MUCH HE “NEEDED” GOD’S FORGIVENESS (love and acceptance)????????????……….this is story is the single simplest explanation/example of a HEARTFELT BELIEVER,…AND,…A BRAZEN HYPOCRITE,…………..in the entire new testament,…..it don’t get more clear than this,………………give it a read if you never have,…..i myself absolutely love the picture which is painted in this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,……………more soon,…….

and,…as for the “who am i” question?????,………i’m just another human peckin at the keys,…………….what i am writing now, i wish that someone would have written it twenty years ago for “me” to read,…….i take every word that i write very seriously! when sharing god’s word, and trying to do so in an encouraging way,…is one of the most important things in my life,………………………….i realize that i am just “black and white” words on a screen,……..it is very difficult to be human here, as there is no true human interaction,……our words can appear so cold and insensitive,….this is not my intent,…..i do ot write or ask questions to harm anyone,…………………i (had) hoped to “inspire” individuals to think for themselves, and ponder, as well as meditate upon the scriptures,…..which is what jesus teaches,………………………hhhhmmmmmm………..

ok,…….back soon,………..

RUST IN PIECES,……..

Posted: December 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

the magic and power of journals,……what’s the big deal, right? They are only words……aren’t they?

There are so many common terms I have heard concerning  journaling. Therapy being at the top of the list. It’s funny to me how, we as humans, have a natural desire to get what is inside of us,…out. (i’ll not pursue the details!!! lol you’re welcome)

Perhaps much like a splinter and the pain and infection which it brings,…our bodies eject it,…in due time.

Perhaps our minds desire is to do this same kind of “ejecting.” I remember as a child when my father would try to remove a splinter from my finger…I would yank my hand back and cry, asking a question, while in the same moment, making a statement…..”is it going to hurt it’s going to hurt!?!?!?”

We desire to be free of the pain, but there is the “knowing and awareness” of the pain which somehow defends our “desire” to keep and defend the bringer of the pain. Where does this battle come from?

I suffered from many childhood traumas,….molestation being the most damaging, as it encompasses so many different feelings and emotions,…..in almost every area of the rest of our lives,…..two trusted friends of my family were the ones who fed off of my soul, though the damage done to my body. I don’t think, looking back, that my mind would allow me to “journal” as I would be not only keeping the memories alive,…but also giving them an all new, and more powerful strength…….which I could not deal with…for I didn’t know how to confront these demons…

The memories slept,……like a splinter deep inside of me,…their infection poisoning my life daily. The years passed by…

My relationships could never be complete, due to this sickness which the infection has spawned. I carried the sickness in me,…and it continued to “molest” everything about my life…….I wasn’t complete…

As cancer consumes it “victims”,…my demons whispered,…and laughed while they did so.

Rust, once began,…continues to rust. Uninhibited, rust will turn a strong, heavy and solid piece of steel,…into a pile of dust…the whispering and the laughter continued. It’s just a matter of time. The end is near from birth,…but with the continual damage which can occur from being molested, with no hope for freedom, or for an escape,…the end comes to find us. This it does with vicious intent. Driven. Mercilessly, yet as horrifying as this may sound, to me,…thankfully. I wanted the pain and madness to stop. I needed for it to stop.

“Is it going to hurt it’s going to hurt!”…The end, holds the promise of comfort. Comfort, and peace. No more whispering. No more laughter. I envied the demons. For they seemed to be thoroughly enjoying their sleep,…this was obvious, or evident, if only to myself, because I always heard them. They talked quietly in their sleep,…and laughed. Alive and well as they rested, and this they did,…in peace.

In peace. And rest. I had neither…I grew more weary every day. I hated them, and I hated me that I could do nothing to destroy them.

The pain of my life had grown so strong, that I no longer felt it. Sadly, I felt nothing else as well. Nothing. Including what was to be my own life. This is the point in which one knows that it is finally time to rest. This type of rest is one which I had to choose to bring myself. My own hands had the power to induce sleep. The sleep which I so badly needed. I also knew that along with my longed for, and much needed sleep,…I would also be bringing on the demise of the demons which lived inside of me. Maybe I could win twice?

There is a mysterious something inside of us that drives us to want to say some something to someone when we know that we will be sleeping soon. If we do this speaking in just a few words,…it is seen as a note. If we say what feel that we have to say, or want to say, in many words,…then this is a journal. These distinctions, it seems, are made due to the slightest variances.

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…

I can’t speak for anyone else who brings their own sleep,…but for myself, along with the written words left behind, there are also words spoken to the one who is the supposed creator of where we may be going…words not necessarily spoken through hope,…but simply spoken. like the lyrics from a Beatles song,…”you say goodbye, i say hello.”

The time was here. This would be the day. My last day. In the words spoken to the holder of tomorrow, having been said last evening, was my way of saying, “If you are really there,…I guess I’ll see you soon.”

The day passed, much as any other. Bedtime was approaching. The afternoon came, and minutes passed…the afternoon went.

Time for my only attempt at journal writing was almost at hand. My hand. My hands.

Then, just before dusk, I saw a slight motion outside of my front window. This was odd in itself, as there had never been before. I then, opening the door, came face to face to face with a complete stranger. She held herself as if she were just about to knock, although slightly unsure of herself. I had never seen her before in this small town in which I lived. She was very pretty as well, thus more noticeable, especially to a man. But, even then. So who was she? And why was she here now? On my front porch?

In her hands, she calmly held,…a journal……….

Speaking with a nervousness, which was perfectly blended with a confidence, which gave her an aura unlike anything I had ever before seen,…she sweetly and gently said,…”God told me to bring you this.” Raising her journal to my surprisingly outreaching hands as she spoke.

For what seemed like an eternity, yet merely a split second, I stared at her gift, then back up to her. To her face. To her eyes. What I saw in them was,…….I blinked, looking deeper…………what I thought that I saw in them,……………was love.

We then made rather awkward small talk,…and in doing so, I discovered what I already knew. She had already said what she came to say. Then, she simply said goodbye, and went her way. I watched as she pulled out of my drive, onto the road. I still watched as she then drove away. And I continued to watch until her car was completely out of sight, and over the top of the hill. Even then, I stared at where she had been only moments before.

This whole time, I was aware of my fingers moving slowly across the covers of her journal. I felt a warmth through it. I felt a warmth inside of me. I,…felt. For the first time since I didn’t know when. I felt. Alive. I just stood and savored this new feeling. As I did so, I listened. I listened, very closely. The whispering’s were gone. There was no more laughter. I, instead, heard the faintest,…of cries. I heard,….fear.

I sat warmly on my couch,…with this stranger’s precious gift in my hands, I opened it. I then began to read.

It said, “IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD, AND THE WORD WAS WITH GOD,…AND THE WORD WAS GOD,…HE WAS WITH GOD IN THE BEGINNING”…

The New Testament exists because of journal writing…individuals wrote down their true and deep inner thoughts,…pertaining to, and about God, a God who we can not prove exists…

Because of the words in this strangers journal, written by other strangers,…and then,…given to me…I learned what true Godly FORGIVENESS really is…

And in the reading of the words, and learning from all of what was written in this journal,…I was then, and only then, able to see more than just words on paper…I found what I firmly believe to be truth. in believing it to be truth, I practiced what I found. What I accepted. Through placing my faith in the Jesus who the journal was written about…I was able to give forgiveness,…that He gave me…

I found compassion that I have never known. Before or since……a compassion which is not human. It is “otherworldly”…it, I believe, is Godly…

I truly gave this Godly forgiveness towards those who molested me. Did I do this in person. No. Did I need to? No. Did doing this, forgiving, free them? I have no idea, nor is it my business. Do I have any desire to speak with them? Or tell them what they did to me for so many years of my life? What they took from in their sickness, their selfishness, and their sin?

No. No I don’t. I have absolutely no need or desire to. Period. But,…what does giving Godly forgiveness do? Does it free us? Truly free us?

In the exact second that I forgave the individuals who molested me, and beyond incredibly, I did so with true compassion, sincere and pure compassion towards and for them,…the very real demons inside of me left me.

These demons went away from me, in a way in which I can only, and quite literally describe, by honestly saying that I physically (and spiritually) felt their (commanded by God, and thus mandatory) eviction from my life! This happened instantly! Eviction is the perfect word! The only word!

Many years have since passed, the demons are so long gone now. Gone from that place, deep within me, where they have, for far too long, existed. Unchallenged. Un-threatened. Comfortably. Peacefully. The whole while, slowly draining the life from my soul. The peace they had enjoyed, and thrived off of,…was stolen from me. The comfort which they had,…was meant for me. God has given much back to me. I now have comfort. I now have peace.

These demons have never even tried to return. I, because of the words, that human hands, had written in a journal, (or actually, a series of journals),…have been freed. Truly freed. Forever.

So, do I believe that words have much life changing power???

Facts are these,…whether God is real, or not,…the words that I read concerning Him and Jesus, and things of Faith,…..showed me something which I have “never in this world”, seen or heard before. Then,…in using my freewill, I made a choice,….and because of my choice,….I forgave them. Them? I forgave the “heinous child molesting bastards”…the very same ones who’s willful choices and actions had tore a hole in my soul for so, so, many years……..A hole which served as a doorway for the demons to enter through…a doorway to their new living room…………….

But now,..I forgave them. And I forgave them in the “exact and specific way” in which Jesus taught me to forgive them, as well as all others,……I forgave them for their sins,…just as Jesus Himself forgave and still forgives me for my sins,…..and always will continue to do so……..as will I…continue to forgive others

To truly “forgive”, and be “forgiven”, in a Godly way,…we “must” have faith,…………because of my faith,….I NOW HAVE FREEDOM,…I NOW HAVE LIFE,…AND PEACE,…….AND EVEN JOY, FROM TIME TO TIME,…………life is good……..

So,…..I agree,……….journals are beautiful things……all because of a bunch of little words,…written on paper,…….by human hands

As I skim over what I have just written here now,….I looked down at my hands,………the very same hands, which, in another time, another place, and another life,……in a seemingly hopeless, quest for peace,……and rest,………and sleep,……..were going to be used to write a suicide note.

Life can be funny, can’t it? And maybe,…God isn’t real either? But then again,…maybe He is,…………………

But that decision is entirely up to each and every one of us to make for our “self”………..

we all too often want God’s forgiveness for our “self”,…but,…then we do not want to give it to others.

at which point,…and because of our lack of forgiveness,….in our personal prison,…we still remain.

hell,….as in the here and now,….is a choice that we make for our “self”,……… somethin worth thinkin (prayin) about,………..if we choose, not to decide, we still have made, a choice…………

Have a great day!

 
 

 

 


it’s official, ORGANIZED RELIGION SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME,….nuf said,……..

Posted: December 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

johnedoe.wordpress.com/

WHAT IF JESUS WOULD HAVE SAID NO and walked away……

by johnedoe

THIS IS PART OF A LETTER TO A GOOD FRIEND FROM LAST YEAR,……..

Mondo headache goin on at the moment, bear with me, If I have to, I’ll write more later to try to “get where I’m tryin to take you”,….k?Anyways,…in about a million places in The Bible,…that’s what God is trying to show us,…How to live as a Forgiven, Loving, Obedient (because we desire to please Him) blessed CHILD OF GOD!Does that sound too simple and perhaps cliché?Well, perhaps, IF we forget,…or just DO NOT acknowledge that “OUR LIFE HAPPENS” in a very real and “FALLEN” world,…as we desire and try to do so!!!?God is WHO and WHAT IS TO BE MOST IMPORTANT,…more than anything! hang on one sec

More IMPORTANT than “ANYTHING” or “ANYONE?” Does He REALLY MEAN “ANYONE???”YUP, HE…

View original post 1,482 more words

OH,…I SEE???

Posted: December 13, 2012 in christian, Uncategorized

OH,…I SEE???????

by johnedoe

I HAD JUST READ A LETTER THAT SOMEONE HAD WRITTEN ABOUT THEIR VIEW OF PERFECTIONISM,….IT WAS SO GREAT,…BECAUSE IT WAS SO HONEST,…IT WAS ABOUT THEIR “DESIRE” TO MEASURE UP, TO “SOMEONE” ELSE’S “STANDARDS” IN THEIR LIFE,…AND “FOR” THEIR LIFE,….STANDARDS WHICH THE ONE DOING THE “PLACING OF” COULD NOT EVEN MEASURE UP TO,….THUS “TRAPPING/CONFINING/AND CAGING THE INDIVIDUAL WHO WROTE THE LETTER, IN “HIS OWN” LIFE,……ANYWAY,…THE FOLLOWING IS A RESPONSE I WROTE ON THE SITE WHERE I READ THE LETTER,…..

i gotta ask,..”how great was that guy’s letter?!?? I loved it! You could see all of the honest thoughts and feelings that he poured into it!

It so reminded of the thing I sent you about “if a child lives with this or that, he learns this or that”…..do you remember??? perfectionism??? oh my! I don’t even want to know what perfectionism is defined as, for i have a funny feeling that it will be different from place to place, and opinion to opinion????

Kinda like the old story about the three blindfolded guys describing an elephant after touching different parts of the elephant……..We,…when following another’s “human” view of perfectionism, may as well follow our own view. Perhaps as the “blind lead the blind???” For those who have read The Bible, and/or believe in God,…The Bible (being God’s word and voice) never even speaks of human perfection…..yet it only speaks of a “perfection of the faith”, which comes through our faith,……..taking the view off of ourselves and our faults,…thus freeing us from trying to find the impossible, and elusive within ourselves, as it does not, and cannot exist within ourselves due to our freewill of our selfish choices and desires,……….

We are, in and of ourselves, walking contradictions,……thus is why I see The Bible as being a good thing,…when we allow ourselves to see what is written inside,…in the way which God intends for us to see it………

I believe that is why “freedom” and “truth” are spoken of so often in The Bible….The importance of seeing ourselves through the eyes of our “creator” in an accepting and forgiving way,….allows us to see all others differently as well,…thus we are “freed” from the “guilt” of our (sometimes, and perhaps usually) harsh judgments of others…….This allows us to “then” get along well with others,……..

The Bible speaks of the “sins of the parents being “visited” upon their children,…meaning, we as children can and will be cursed by the bad, or ungodly, attitudes (and actions) of out parents,……………

When we seek, find, and practice God’s ways and attitudes (towards others, as well as ourselves) we break the “generational curses” (which The Bible is where the term generation curses comes from) that our parents have “passed on” to us,……………

It’s so easy to think that we are pleasing our parents if we “do what they say, and or have told us to do,……that we are “loving” them,…and or are “showing them that we love them, by doing so,……In reality,…we can and will suffer due to and because of their ungodly “views” of what “perfectionism” is based upon….We, as individuals, especially as grown ups,….are accountable for our “own” views and choices in life,…….

Much as if someone in school had “someone else” do “their” homework, for them,…we learn nothing. we must decide for ourselves who we want to be, and what our opinions and attitudes will be based on,…..

When God, a loving God, is believed in,…and looked to,…as the provider and giver of the answers,…then we are “free” from ever having to follow,…or answer to, a fallible human being again,….even, and especially, ourselves,…………the pressure is taken from us,…when we choose to allow it to be,….

I have found that this pressure has been removed from me,…only,….through my faith in a “leader” who is much bigger than myself,….or anyone who I have ever known,………….

 


“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain. Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.” ~ Emily Dickinson

            ONLY RECENTLY HAVE I SEEN THIS QUOTE,…A NEW FRIEND HAS IT ON THEIR PAGE. IN SPEAKING WITH THIS PERSON, THEY HAD SAID THAT THIS WOULD BE (IS) THEIR DESIRE WHEN SHARING WHAT THEY WRITE…just to encourage someone, or anyone,…whether we know it or not???

           I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT IT IS ALSO MINE. It makes me think of the movie, “PAY IT FORWARD.”

           Perhaps, “KINDRED SPIRITS”…perhaps,…”GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE???” Although the “GREAT MINDS” view sounds just a bit on the vain, and intellectual side to me. And it sounds cold.

           In my experience,…by and because our experience, and experiences, when combined and shared with a loving spirit and caring heart, although wounded, when honestly sharing our weaknesses,…our humanness,…this can actually be what is needed to help to free someone from the prison of their insecurities. And that “someone” may just be ourselves.

          By our willful telling and showing someone that they are not alone in can what so easily be seen (and having been experienced) as a cruel and cold world. Words of hope. Of the possibility that maybe there is a light,…thee light,…at the end of the tunnel,…the darkness is not all that there is. Encouraging someone, or anyone, or no one, while reminding ourselves, telling ourselves, not to give up. Maybe what we write is our way of saying, “don’t remain, just barely alive,…to live, (exist?) in the cold and lonely darkness.” But teaching any and all to learn to see the tiniest stars in the darkness of the night sky? Thus ensuring that we do not live in a hollow void. A void where there is no depth, no substance? Many times when we bleed,…others will show concern.

         Total strangers, sometimes offer aid. As if angels sent by God himself,…whether it be coincidental, or precisely timed in a supernatural way…as in answer to a prayer that one was so sure earlier that would simply go answered,…by an unloving God that didn’t seem to know, or even care at all that we existed. Thus,…through His silence,…leaving us to feel even more unloved and worthless,…and meaningless than we before we prayed for help…whatever His help is??? Perhaps these individuals that pop up out of nowhere are simply others who know what it is like to bleed,…ANGELS??? RANDOM STRANGERS??? But perhaps,…they are both???

         I know well what it is to feel my life blood as it slips from me, and I know how it feels to grow weak while bleeding. As if an hourglass sits, filled with our blood, and we all know, and fear, what will be the result when the last drop reaches the bottom. Like the sands through the hourglass,…so are the days of our lives.

         Do unto others, as we would hope that they would do unto us? I have found that I give,…what I need the most. I desire love. I do the best that I know how to give love. But,…even then, when we find someone who is wounded much as we are,…or have been,…on who brings us concern, thus healing,…to keep from the possibility of hurting that individual more,…we share what we can,…from the very core of who we are,…and then, with a heavy heart,…no matter how badly we may desire otherwise,…we turn,…and walk away.          Even if we realize that our heart has to sink so much in doing so, that we could easily step on it, if not careful. Is there healing in this? I believe there is. You see,…for our hearts to sink so greatly from where they once were, protected inside the hard and cold walls where it was once safe and protected,…then that means that “something” has broken through our walls. That something is called love. We find this kind of love through honesty. We give honesty, honesty gives love. Now,…our hearts having been exposed to the “light”,…God is able to heal our wounded hearts. Using the love of others to show others that He is real, that Love is real. And, also, and so very importantly, showing the one who is lonely and hurting,…that THEY ARE REAL,…AND THEY ARE, NOR HAVE EVER BEEN, FORGOTTEN……THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT,…THEY ARE LOVED,…THEE LIGHT DOES EXIST!!! no matter what the voices in the dark try to tell us……those voices are lies.

        The right choice, is not always the easy choice,….as it usually isn’t what we want. Or hope for. Especially when the one who touched your life,…is so much like you. Someone that you want to know more about. There can only be a sadness of never knowing,…what if???

There was another individual much earlier in history who also said something quite close to this, if not exactly the same thing…who I will discuss later on in this writing,…maybe it means that in simply loving and encouraging others, or at least trying to,…then this is (is this?) where we find love,…Love for ourselves??? And acceptance of ourselves? Giving us a continuous and renewed sense of purpose???

But, IS THERE a very fine line here? I believe, and have learned,…that there is………

Now what???………………………………..


WHAT IF JESUS WOULD HAVE SAID NO and walked away……

by johnedoe

THIS IS PART OF A LETTER TO A GOOD FRIEND FROM LAST YEAR,……..

Mondo headache goin on at the moment, bear with me, If I have to, I’ll write more later to try to “get where I’m tryin to take you”,….k? Anyways,…in about a million places in The Bible,…that’s what God is trying to show us,… How to live as a Forgiven, Loving, Obedient (because we desire to please Him) blessed CHILD OF GOD! Does that sound too simple and perhaps cliché? Well, perhaps, IF we forget,…or just DO NOT acknowledge that “OUR LIFE HAPPENS” in a very real and “FALLEN” world,…as we desire and try to do so!!!? God is WHO and WHAT IS TO BE MOST IMPORTANT,…more than anything! hang on one sec

More IMPORTANT than “ANYTHING” or “ANYONE?” Does He REALLY MEAN “ANYONE???” YUP, HE SURE DOES. WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT? WHAT ABOUT OUR KIDS? You see where I’m headin maybe? Jesus tells us that our love for our families, MUST BE AS HATE by comparison WITH AND TO,…OUR LOVE FOR HIM!? SEEMS PRETTY EXTREME, DOES’NT IT??? MAYBE EVEN A BIT TWISTED AND SICK TOO, HUH? So why would He even tell us something as weird as that?

He says that to make us think,…speaking for myself, my first thought was “What the hell!?”

Have you ever seen a movie called THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST?????” If you have not,…wow! It’s a heavy movie,…..talk about “make you think” Before the movie even begins, the author wrote and posted clearly, a disclaimer! A VERY GOOD AND CLEAR DISCLAIMER! I say this, because the movie got a “bad rap” in the “organized religion” circles,… The author said,…“This IS NOT an accurate scriptural portrayal of the life of Jesus,…but, rather, it is about ONE MAN’S STRUGGLE WITH GOOD AND EVIL. Simple as that,…

Now,…for those of you who may have seen the movie,…the telling of my story now is from my memory, and I have not seen it myself in many years,…so I may be off just a bit,…but the “gist” of the story is still here,…so, sorry…anyway…

So the movie begins with Jesus workin in the carpentry shop. Carpenters build things from wood, right? Not a trick question, by the way,… I spent many years working as a carpenter with my dad, and I loved it. Anyway,…in the first scene, JESUS DID “NOT” LOVE MAKING “THINGS?” OUT OF WOOD!” I love this angle I’m about to tell you! The Romans “hired Jesus” to make “things” for them to “use!” What was the “thing” Jesus was nailed to and hung on made from??? pretty cool, huh???,…mor n a few

So the movie starts with Jesus hating what He does to make money in the real world. So He punishes Himself by wearing a wide belt with spikes poking into his flesh while he works. AS, He works,…He “hears” voices,…God is talkin to him.

He is tormented by the voices because he has to TRY TO DISCERN WHAT THEY ARE TELLING HIM AND WHY???

So, one day, as he is working,….His “good buddy” Judas Iscariot stops by…Jesus tells Judas that God is talkin to him, and tellin him to go forth and speak the words He has been hearing, to ALL the people who care to listen,… Judas thinks Jesus has lost his mind,… But still,…Judas tells Him that he will be right by His side. And Judas also tells him that if He (Jesus) lets him, and the people down,….that he will kill him. and away they go…together…

Now when Jesus is fasting in the wilderness, satan pops up to “tempt” him,…Jesus tells him to piss off! At which point satan turns into a “little tornado of flame”,…and tells Jesus,…

“I’LL SEE YOU AGAIN!” then satan explodes and disappears…

So Jesus goes through his ministry,…saves “Mary Magdlene”,…whom He had known and loved for many years,…and then, as many of us know, Jesus is eventually beaten and crucified. But, as He is hanging on the cross dying for what HE BELIEVED SO STRONGLY, a little girl appears at the foot of the cross. She was an Angel of God. Jesus, in his exhaustion, could now only see and hear her as she spoke to him. In the movie,…the whole time He was tormented with the “thought”, what if, “HE “WAS NOT THE MESSIAH???”,…

So the Angel says, “It’s okay,…you can “come down” now”…

He tells her, “no, I have to finish this”,…

Then the Angel told him that He WAS NOT the one,…and that He didn’t have to die on the cross to do anything.

long story short,…Jesus came down from the cross. Saddened. He soon after married Mary Magdelene,… They had a bunch of kids,…so here He is, just livin a normal life. Then Mary died giving birth to their last child.

So then, Jesus just “went through the motions” of a normal life,…(which to me, a normal life,…would be a “luxury.”,…but, I don’t feel that I have to worry about that luxury ever existing for me again. I had my chances,…and failed every time…just like most people do,…with it’s joys and sorrows,…there you go.

And also, God had the little Angel girl stay to help Jesus and mary raise their family. The Angel, NEVER left His side,…as She loved him so much.

(“She was very sweet!” The actress was excellent!)

But, after Mary, His wife died,…and Jesus was much older,…turmoil broke out in the land that He, and His Family, lived in… He had moved away from Jerusalem to make it easier for him and Mary to live unrecognized as the “False Messiah” So,…Now Jesus is on his deathbed, and a visitor stops by his house,…it was Judas Iscariot,…….

Judas tells Jesus, that all of the messed up stuff that was happening around them was Jesus’ fault, for His not “following through” with what God had set aside for him to do. Jesus was dying, and very weak,…Judas wanted to kill him anyway,…Jesus told Judas that God had sent an Angel to Him, and had Her tell Him that He WAS NOT the MESSIAH,…and Jesus pointed to God’s Angel who was in the room with them.

Judas said, “So God sent you an Angel and told you to give up?????”

Judas continued by asking, “Is “THIS” God’s Angel here with us now???”

Jesus answered yes.

JUDAS SAID,…..”THIS ANGEL???”,…Jesus looked at His Sweet Angel of God,…

The little girl Angel,…His Friend,…then burst into a LITTLE TORNADO OF FLAME, and said,…

“I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD SEE YOU AGAIN………

pretty heavy stuff right there, huh?

Jesus had given up! Jesus had let Himself be deceived! He had came down off of the cross to be like, and live a normal life,  just like everyone else.

But, ONLY to have the woman He loved for so long, die. And then Jesus did His “best” to be a dad, but, due to his “neglect” of what he REALLY BELIEVED THAT HE NEEDED TO DO and what He SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING,…HIS CHILDREN, and the REST OF THE WORLD, WOULD, and now was, to SUFFER BADLY, and DIE, because HE DID NOT “HEED HIS CALLING”,…

With no Perfect Sacrifice/Savior,…to DO, AND FULFILL GOD’S WILL,… satan had THE UPPER HAND OF DESTRUCTION AUTOMATICALLY!

Jesus saw the flaming tornado!,….THE TEMPEST,…..the tempter…satan.

AND,…when Jesus saw the flaming tornado,…HE KNEW “WHO’S” WORDS HE HAD LISTENED TO! Words spoken to deceive Him, and to CONVINCE HIM TO COME DOWN OFF THE CROSS! He was beyond terrified by what a fool that He had been.

Jesus then crawled from His death bed and out his door towards “Golgotha” (or Calvary),…begging God’s Forgiveness and begging God to take him back! To, NOT ONLY, take Him back,…but, EVEN, SO MUCH MORE importantly, TO LET HIM FINISH WHAT HE KNEW MUST BE FINISHED!!! He was desperate!!! As so many of us have lived our lives…

His “NORMAL” LIFE, NOW,…IN LIGHT OF THESE REVELATIONS,…NOT ONLY MEANT NOTHING,…but, HIS LIFE was PURE HELL and TORTURE,…AS He crawled,…while dying.

Which makes me think of “those who “don’t believe”,…ARE CONDEMNED ALREADY,…Do you know what I mean?

Yet He continued crawling, and begging, toward the cross,…toward His destiny,…toward God,…begging and desperate,…and broken,…begging,…praying,…asking God to hear his cries!,…and to forgive Him…

SUDDENLY,….THERE HE HANGS ON THE CROSS, “RIGHT” BACK WHERE HE WAS, WHEN THE “LITTLE ANGEL” HAD EARLIER APPEARED TO HIM,…Jesus then looked up,…His head fell forward, and then down,…AND THEN JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS.

…IT,…IS,…FINISHED!,…Father/Daddy,…into Your hands,…I commend My Spirit,…

To me, Jesus said,…Daddy,…I’M COMING HOME…

I BELIEVE GOD/JESUS HEARS EVERY PRAYER THAT WE PRAY,…AND KNOWS EVERY TEAR THAT WE HAVE CRIED,…FOR,…IT’S HIS LOVING KINDNESS TOWARDS HUMANS/SINNERS/THE WORLD,…THAT ALLOWS US “ALL”, TO BE SAVED/ACCEPTED BY HIM,…THROUGH ANY OF US HAVING PLACED,…or us who ARE NOW, and any one of us who MAY BE desiring to place, and placing,…SIMPLE FAITH IN JESUS,…thus accepting HIM AS OUR PERSONAL SAVIOR.

Anyone, ANYONE!, who truly, and simply, calls out to Jesus as their savoir, will be saved. WILL BE SAVED! NO EXCLUSIONS!

IN WHAT “JESUS DID” BY HIS DYING ON THE CROSS, AS HE WAS PREORDAINED,…FROM THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF THE WORLD TO DO,… BY GOD SHEDDING HIS BLOOD,… AS THE PERFECT AND ACCEPTABLE SACRIFICE,… AS GOD’S MESSIAH,…THE PERFECT LAMB OF GOD,… TO PAY THE,…“IMPOSSIBLE”,…

FOR ANY OF US (Jew or Gentile alike) TO PAY OURSELVES, DEBT FOR OUR SINS,…as God says,…“what the blood of bulls and goats could not do”… “Jesus himself HAS DONE,…FOR EVERYONE OF US AS HUMANS! EVERY “SINGLE” ONE OF US! Forever!

i highly recommend to anyone to watch this movie,…..it is one of my top five movies of all time! willem defoe plays jesus,….it has also got an all star cast as well!,….anyway,…peace,….toksoon


DID ANYONE IN THE BIBLE EVER TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY LOVED THEM???……a little food for thought,…….it’s not what we “tell” someone,…it is what we “show” them,…..as well as “how” we show them,…………what are your thoughts???


OK,…THERE IT IS, MY BIG QUESTION OF THE DAY FOR MYSELF,………yup, why do I blog??? No, really,…why??? I want to know,…….Wow,…this could take a while,…..Have you ever seen those movies where someone goes to visit another person who is in jail? The visitor sits down in a chair on one side of a viewing glass, and the prisoner is sitting in a chair on the other side of the glass? Then, with phone in hand, they chat,…..?????,….hhhhhmmmmmmmmm And every now and then, in a touching moment (pun intended) they each place a hand on the glass between them,…their hands touching, but,…in reality, they are not touching at all,…Is this what blogging is? is this what blogging is,…to me???

Now, during my reflective time, in all honesty,…I think it is. I think that may be exactly why I blog. I also think it is why I stopped blogging a while back. We share the words that we write,…but,…I just don’t feel the human touch. I mean, how can I, we ain’t touching,…To me, this is what loneliness is…..Like the old song says,…”so close, so close, but yet so far”…(frankie vallie, google it)

there is a feeling that we are all real people, but at the same time,…we are cyber-realists (yeah, I made that up) What if we all agreed to meet somewhere? would any of us show up? i mean, even if we had the time and money, etc,…to do so??? would we? i can’t help but wonder what percentage of us would “not” show,…………..

In reality,…I am shy. Very shy. It’s true. Some of you may not believe it by reading the things that I babble on about, but I am,…(i would show up, by the way),…I can speak easily on a phone as well,….but,…yup, in person,…I get very, very, very quiet,…..hhhhmmmmmmm,………

I’m tired, going to sleep now,….I gotta go cut firewood in the early mornin,……..more later,……peace yall,…..


AS MY SOUL BLEEDS,……yet another cheery title to my babblings, or writings, or rants…..very christmasy, don’t you think? You’re welcome,…..As a child, writing was something much much different then than what it is to me now. It was something more innocent. Pure. Youthful wonder still existed. But as time went by, and all things and people changed in my life, I left my writing behind. actually, I ran from it. My writing, as well as my life. It, they, both brought pain. Other than occasional scribblings in my notebooks, I didn’t dare write anything remotely resembling a story. Just bits and pieces. There were many different reasons for this, I’m sure…although I have no idea what those reasons were. Perhaps it was because my life itself was too random. Too broken. I existed as a stranger, always in an even stranger land. Truth is, maybe the surrounding land itself was normal enough, and I, myself was the strange…looking back now, facts are, my life, and myself, were just too fucked up to make any sense of…even now, there are some pieces which I will never try to fit into the picture of my life. I will leave these memories as reflections on the bottom side of the dark waters upon which they took shape……unclear ripples in the pond,…

Writing, for what it’s worth, I have found,…still brings me pain. It is just another of the many love hate relationships that I have had in my life,…..as much as I want to write about happy and encouraging things, not so deep inside of me,…there is something else which must come forth,…..I call this release, the act of “bloodletting.” I try to convince myself that this is how the poisons come out. Am I lying? Am I finding much needed and otherwise elusive healing as I sit here pecking at the keys?

Or am I simply dying more with each word?,………………..time will tell,……..enough for now,………..


THE MAILMAN, THE GIFT, desolation lane,…and all the lonely people…..


THE MAILMAN, THE GIFT, desolation lane,…and all the lonely people….
by johnedoe

….it could be poorly compared to someone living in a ”desolate” place (me, maybe you?,….maybe ”both”, individually),…..who sees people from a safe distance, going to and fro, but never traveling with any of them, never getting close to them, never knowing how,……and perhaps knowing that there isn’t anyone who could ever truly get close to you anyway,…..having to accept, based on your many past experiences,……that this is simply true. But, even if it wasn’t……..it just seemed easier, and safer this way……

Then, on a day not so different than any other, after many lonely years, from seemingly out of nowhere,…a postman comes to your door,…..this was odd in itself, as you usually go to the post office to get your mail…..yet here he was,…..this stranger? At your door?

You’re startled by an odd sound,…until you realize it is his knock upon your door….you move slowly…

Perhaps due to isolation, you hesitantly open the door the smallest bit and peek out at him through the narrow opening……….he smiles a slight but warm smile, as he looks shyly back at you. You hear him laugh lightly, as he does so….but in a kind and good natured way……….he is holding a large mailpouch,……..he tells you that he has a delivery for you.

You undo the chain on your door,…and invite him inside……..Somehow, he says things that make you feel like he ”really knows you”…..the postman has something about him that makes you ”feel” warm,…..at ease,…(who is this person!?),…almost as if drawn to him…..have we met?,….do we ”know” each other???

He has a ”surprise” package for you,…”he informs you of this with a humor, and goofiness”…but you are aware of what may be a purposefully hidden intelligence just below the surface,……for just being a mailman, has been revealed as a disguise,…you somehow know he is so much more…but what is it? who is this mailman?

As he waits, you open the package in front of him (down come the bricks), without even knowing it, you have reached inside (another brick falls),…..he is saying something, he is telling you that you are a beautiful person, that you are special,….that he understands,…..words that you’ve never heard from anyone before,……sincerely said,…you ”DO” know this person,……and he ”KNOWS” you,……..as you continue (another brick loosens),………..

Whatever he brought you, you ”need”,…..you ”want”,….you begin to ”feel” something that you can’t quite describe (another brick),……….

You’re not sure what’s happening, but you go with it, as he continues to tell you how beautiful you are,….in other words, how he, but much more importantly, he tells you how GOD sees you,……..

Tears begin to fill your eyes, but as this happens you feel a warmth pour over you,……holding you,…..soothing you,……caressing you,……………….comforting you,…………………….accepting you,……….LOVING? YOU!!!!,….

Something unlike anything you have ever felt,……………..almost like a feeling of being ”home”,……..although you are home,………a different kind of home,…………a ”safe place”,…………..

Who is this ”mailman?”,……who has brought you this, this, this whatever it is???,……..what more is there about him,……he appears to be ”just a mailman”,…..but,……..

You begin to speak with him,…..you are amazed by ”him”,…..this ”holder” of treasured mysteries,……he try’s to tell you that he just delivers packages,……that he’s just a mailman…….

You ask him to have coffee with you,…..he’s reluctant,……..he almost seemed to be nervous…….as up until this moment, he was totally calm?……………….he finally accepts your offer,……….even though, it’s with a veiled reluctance,…………you ask questions,….to which, one way or another he answers the same,….I’m just a mailman,…………….as you continue (another brick loosens),………..

Whatever he brought you, you ”need”,…..you ”want”,….you begin to ”feel” something that you can’t quite describe (another brick),……….

You’re not sure what’s happening, but you go with it, as he continues to tell you how beautiful you are,….in other words, how he, and so much more so, how GOD sees you,……..

…you begin to understand that he finds you interesting,….”I’m just a mailman”,……..when you ask to stay for lunch,…..even though you can tell that something preoccupies his thoughts,…..and, you feel as if he ”really” has to go, he accepts your offer for lunch,……less reluctantly than before,……

As if understanding your interest he asks if you think that he’s the one responsible for ”the gift”,……he tells you that he isn’t,……..someone who loves you very much had him bring you that,……as a matter of a fact,…..he didn’t even know what he was bringing, exactly,………….until you opened it,…….in front of him,……….

…….he said that he saw how beautiful that you looked while you opened it, while you”experienced” it’s ”magic?”,….and he loved being part of it,………..the afternoon came, and you continued to grow ”closer”,………

As dinnertime approached, you asked him to stay,…..you ”knew” that he wanted to,……but this time,…..he said that he had to go,…..you asked again (perhaps, lightly pleaded?),…….you thought he would, ”hoped” that he would,…to be entirely honest,……he finally, simply said no,…..you knew he didn’t want to,……..so, why did he say no?,……your heart sank with the reality of his answer,…….

He said that he had other things that he must do,…….responsibilities that he must take care of,….that in today’s world, death is a very real possible bi-product of failing at his job,………as this, a mailman, is all he ever has been of any importance,…….or could be,………..he could not forsake his duties,……..he asked you to please understand,……he told you that one person in particular gave his life for him to have his job,……..

He looked into your eyes, and you then realized,……..he loved you,…………and you felt ”alive”,……..he would stay, and happily ever after would be an actual place,………….

He opened the door, pulling you back to ”not happily ever after”,…….he had made his choice,…his choice had made him,………..

He spoke one last time,…………you could hear his voice choke, you could hear him try to catch his breath,……and, you saw the beginnings of tears in his eyes,………

When he finally composed himself, he said that many people paid a high price for him to be a mailman,……children had given up a father for him to have this job…..he continued, ”if I had known that I would have been so far away from them for so long,……I may have done things differently,…..but, I didn’t, and this is the way it is,…..He finished with, ”there were many people who supported him, who ”believed in him”,……..He wanted to make them proud,……

He said that there was a time when he had let many people down,(yet, she couldn’t imagine this, for he was such a ”beautiful person”) and that he didn’t ever want to do it again,….the pain of the memories alone was almost more than he could handle,…he hung his head,…you knew he spoke the truth,…you ”felt” him,…and it hurt,……

Appearing now, as if to be almost drained, even though only moments before, he seemed to be so ”full of life”,…no need to ask what happened,…you had to accept it for what it was,….for what it is,……………..

You hated it!!!!,……you wanted to scream!,…..”’you can’t say goodbye!!”,……it’s not fair!

He was weary,…..he raised his head is if he ”felt” your ”thoughts” and you knew he knew,……..

Shoulders still slumped, and head still slightly down,….but then you saw something that you could easily describe, (if this were another time and another place) as him being ”cute”,……

A small crooked smile appeared on his face as if to say,….”everything is gonna be okay”,………………..

Gently he said, ”the man that died for me to have my job,….for me to be who I am?,……He had left a note for me before He died, which I found only this morning,……it had directions on it, so I followed them,………those directions led me to a package,………and then they led me to you

” the mailman” then handed me a second, smaller note,…….I unfolded it and began to read,…..

It said,I love you completely, ”always have, always will”,…..I am so happy that you enjoyed my gift,…..use it whenever you need to or would like to, as it is ”yours forever”,………

But, remember this, as well,…

Many other people have been given the same gift, and sadly, only used it once,…………..like you, when they first opened it, they knew that is was exactly ”what it was and is” meant to be,……..as they felt the ”power” as well,……….and they too loved it….

But, they took it for granted, and in so doing, neglected it, and in so doing, misplaced it, and in so doing, have forgotten it, almost entirely….

And, in many many cases….they focus on the ”bringer” of the ”gift” instead of the ”gift” itself,………. And in so doing, have broken my heart,…………..

You see, every father wants the best for his children,…..but when they don’t use what you give them…..then how can they truly enjoy life,……as it was meant to be???,….

You children all have free will to make their own choices,……choose wisely,……..

With ”absolute and unconditional love”

your daddy,…….

My daddy???,…….how could this be, my father is still alive,……..this man ”died” for ”you” to have your job?!,… Who?,..”i don,……as she raises her head to ask ”the mailman” who is this man that says he is ”her daddy”, it seems that time has somehow slowed down,……something seems to be speaking to her???,….

Is that how she is feeling?,……..and even then, she knows what to expect when she is finally able to raise her eyes, for she knows that they’ll be easier to move than her head for it seems to be heavier than it was a few seconds ago,……………

She understands that this is a time, the time, for her to begin to think clearly,……..she tries to focus, as she continues to raise her eyes to let them ”rest” on ”the mailman”, the bringer of gifts, he is so special, no matter what he has told her,….she ”needs” his strength,……..his mind,……………his wit,…………………….his heart,…………………………….

An eternity seems to pass, …..linger is a more appropriate a term,…………from within, she feels, what her mind knows that she is about to see,….later, as time passes,…..she knows that she will be thankful,….

Though for now, she wants to cry,……..

Her eyes now meet the spot where he was standing only seconds before,……….

He’s gone,………………..

I’m just the mailman, he had honestly said, over and over,……..she just didn’t want to believe it,……..

Only one way led to her door, a tiny path,…………the entrance to which was “extremely” difficult to find,………..yet this “mailman” found it so easily?,this amazed her

The clearing in front of her house that ”her” path ran through allowed her to see clearly for at least half a mile,…the mailman was nowhere in sight,…she knew that he wouldn’t be.

The path then disappeared into tall grass and weeds,…. Then, just beyond there were the sharp stones walls, and the brier bushes that she had ”allowed” to grow there years before to keep out the ”undesirables”,….this stranger had made it to her door without a scratch?!,….impressive, if nothing else,…..but there was much more than ”nothing else”,……

A different kind of tears filled her eyes this time………she understood what she knew she must,………..she smiled a small smile and quietly said,……..

goodbye mailman, and thank you,…….whoever you are???………….

She stood crying for a while, for many reasons,……….so many things to think about,……..

then she turned slowly back to her house. As she did, she noticed that something was different than before,……….

It appeared to be ”bigger?”,…..and it was,……….more light seemed to glow from the windows in the rapidly approaching twilight,………….yet there was more,…….she couldn’t yet see it,……..couldn’t put her finger on it, but she knew,……….

A day of surprises for sure, her smile grew as her heart warmed,……her head now felt as if it was weightless, she felt lighter than before,………..the warmth grew, she prayed for more!,……….she walked to her doorway,…….

She tripped over something, almost falling, more from surprise than loss of balance…..but she didn’t fall,………..what she did do almost surprised her, she began to laugh,…….out loud,….no longer imprisoned by the brick walls that “she?”, had built around her life.

…she was free,…..totally free!

On the ground where she stood was a scattered pile of bricks,……….she was truly free now,…..she understood completely. She was free in deed.

Reading the note from her daddy as she walked,……she knew ”exactly” where she would ”keep his GIFT.

Posted: December 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

johnedoe.wordpress.com/

DR SHELTER, and mr hide…COMING SOON…….

TO THE SURPRISE OF MANY WHO HAVE READ A “FEW” OF MY WRITINGS, THEN THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE, OF SORTS, TO YOU,……some of you anyway…………

Everything that I have written here on my blog, whether dark, or otherwise,…has been written with one intent. This intent is based on my hope in life. My hope is that there truly is a God who loves us. Not just a God who loves us, as christins, as this would not be biblically accurate, but a God who loves each and every individual one the face of this earth!

Not only is this my hope,..but more importantly (to me),…this is also my belief.

Do I “REALLY” feel that we all need a savior??? Yes. But, what I write about is this. Do I REALLY AND DEEPLY FEEL that “I, MYSELF” NEED A SAVIOR??? ABSOLUTELY! if you…

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Posted: December 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

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(organized) religion gives me the chills and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up!!!! and what’s more,..I have very long hair, so I end up lookin like one of those little troll doll things that were popular in the seventies!!! No lol, no lol,…….
I just wrote a piece while waitin to hear from you about exactly what you just said,…..just writing for me. I have no desire to “earn????” a blogger award. I just want to speak freely, ya know??? I also know, or realize, that since I have no set topic and theme, that many people have made a quick conclusion and have gone for good,…..and,…thus is life.
There are the “religious people” (who want to think of themselves as christian) who think that I am the devil because I write “curse words, or bad words” in some of my writings,……………I really “should”…

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Posted: December 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

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LIFE IS FUNNY SOMETIMES,…IT JUST IS,…actually, it’s us, the people, that are funny,…….we just are.

And that’s ok. Then again, what other choice is there? I have learned so much while in blogland. And I have remembered so much as well. Actually, not remembered, but, I have allowed certain things that I have known for a very long time to awaken within me.

What I mean is,…at one time in my life, I was quite social. I, for the most part, was social in a superficial kind of way, though. The old, small talk thing. Do you know what I mean? I would talk about safe things. Non challenging thins. Non threatening things. But inside of me, even then, was the desire to, and the need to,…truly and deeply communicate. Especially about the things that churned inside of me, and raged through my mind.

To get answers, we must ask…

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Posted: December 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

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Joe Quatrone, Jr. says:

You are becoming a great writer! Your punctuation is clear. Your words inspire emotion. I write more out of necessity, rather than gifting. My gift is to preach, not write. But when I am faced with the choice of either not preaching or writing, I choose to write. It is the lesser of two evils, so to speak. In just the 9 or so short months I have been blogging, I am very thankful and grateful we have become close friends (or as close as we can be considering the miles between us). You are my friend and I appreciate everything about you.

I view less than ideal situations as opportunities for growth. In other words there is no such thing as an obstacle, only an opportunity (I didn’t steal that line from Joel Osteen). A few years…

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Woody Stone says:

Good question.  I have pondered this situation for many years.  This is a very extensive subject I have done a lot of writing on, and the answers I have discovered are not at all in line with most normal ‘religious’ Christian thought and belief.  It is not possible (in a simple “Reply”) to cover all the territory involved in answering your question, but just as a way of initiating a conversation (which may become ‘hairy’, and I won’t endlessly argue about concepts), I will say that it DOES involve “necessary evil”.  God’s main object is to build Godly Character into us with our cooperation; but just as we can not correctly define Light unless we have Darkness to compare it with, we can not correctly define and apply Righteousness without sin to compare it with.

Does this mean God…

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