christmas eve has the unique and dark record for suicides,…unless this has changed,…

suicide has been called the last act of a desperate man,…or woman, for that matter,…i just changed my mind,…i’m not gonna write this now,……


THE RED SEA CROSSING…walking in the valley of the shadow of death….


JOHN E DOE / ..DIE TRYING or TRY DYING….. the circus of blood Section ONE/2 part excerpt (…DIARY OF A SUICIDE post) copyright 2010

I stare at the ceiling above me,.. .. . . .you see .. .. .it’s impossible . to know,.. .  . It’s pitch black in here . confined in a room with no windows. there is , no starlight,.. .. .. and no moonlight,…it’s dark in here,… …my new, my home… … But it’s the sunlight, …… that I think of the most,…  and her,….always her. . . …my……She , still beats inside of me….always, her, .. . .. . ….I’m .empty. ,..I wouldn’t dare to pray for sleep to find me,…..due to my anger, I couldn’t even find tears,…….I feel cold……..beyond cold….somewhere in the early.. morning hours, i drifted off,.. .. ..finally .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . in my life, I have found that when I dance on the edge, this in when I feel alive,…..it’s safe for me this way, and it’s somewhat exciting as well,…for me, the real world no longer has any excitement…… I think this may be why it’s easier for older people to die, when the years have slipped away. There has to be a reason that i usually hear older people say that they go to, a better place. like the thunderous sound of incoming waves, who then quickly turn and remarkably quietly,…… slip back into themselves

I am the only one that get’s hurt this way, at least I try to convince myself that this is the case,…but, I have had to accept that this viewpoint is not true…..I found myself wanting to take her there with me so that we could watch the sun set in the east while we danced in a myriad of mesmerizing colors that would make the aurora borealis reluctant to taint the skies again. When she talked of being in a blanket on the beach, with us looking at each other, I still feel that,…even now i hear her voice. I still tell myself that she’s here….I must admit, it is…..I just,…well, nevermind. But still, even now, I want to say ….you have made me feel so special,…she showed me someone that I almost forgot existed,…me. You gave me strength…and, even with all my faults, I will forever hold that in my heart,… in mere memory, it could never do what it has done inside of me,……..and memories fade as time passes,….

There we danced, high on the edge of a cliff where we could ”believe” that gravity had no ”hold on us”,…our special place. A place where we could fly,…If only you held tightly to my hand as we stepped off the edge,…to a place where we could feel the wind pass over us as we left the real world behind,…..where I could look over at you and see you smile. And knowing that you were trusting me to take you somewhere that you have never been,…no longer feeling alone,…..nor I,…to be needed,….wanted,….loved.

My imagination can be a beautiful thing, as it is powerful beyond definition,…but, even and especially at times like these, I struggle. I have to fight to color between the lines,…as compared to a nuclear reactor, where all is fine and well as long as the energy is contained, my loneliness can be overwhelming at times….but, I know in my heart that my loneliness is also well earned,…I know that I am totally forgiven for the things that I have done wrong in my life,…but every one of those wrongs is still very much alive in my memory,…..and my memory, very much like my imagination, is crystal clear, as well as very powerful.

Memories of wrong is how we learn lessons not to repeat our earlier sins,…as they say, and, as is proven true,

INSANITY STEMS FROM MAKING THE SAME DESTRUCTIVE CHOICES, YET EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT,……

You see, in this world where we fly above the problems, the truth is, …GRAVITY DOES EXIST,…

To see you smashed upon the rocks of the beach below, a place that, to us was, once so peaceful and beautiful,…(where the sun set in the east) a place where the powerfully gentle ever changing waves once calmed us,…. …”rocking us with their rhythm”…but now I am forced to watch the waves as they rock your broken, lifeless body, forth and back back,…as if you were a piece of driftwood, mercilessly entangled in kelp,…I can’t take my eyes off of you

As I lift you from the surf, I no longer see you smile,…I no longer hear you laugh (as I could hear you laugh through the words of the letters that you have written to me..I hear them even now…but very distant) I no longer feel your warmth,……

…… the hidden essence of who you are,……

when my legs can no longer carry you away from the reality of the once powerful dream that we shared, I collapse to the sand, all the while supporting you gently as if holding one of my children, as if carrying them to bed,…to lay them to rest,….I pray to be numb,…there is no one to hear my prayers, for HE is far away,…I, left HIM,…and took you with me. And now you are so cold

I gently brush your hair back as I wipe the sand from your face, trying to find the beauty that was there only moments ago,…I hear the words, ”please god”, quietly pass my lips,……my throat chokes as I try to speak,…it burns…

I try to hope,……..I know it’s in vain, as the reality continues to seep in,….as the poison from a lethal injection must feel,…although I remain all too conscious,…I feel my veins cool,….my heart slow, missing beats as it does,……..to see this is to learn,…again,…..

I, like so many others before me, for I am not the only one, I want to scream out and ask why?!,…….I know better,……….I scream anyway, just in case I am wrong,…..desperation begs in vain…..knowing that I will live the rest of my life with the answer that I hear,….. Payment, the consequences of my choices,…………….I watch the surf break, the seagulls fly,……..I try to smell the salty air,………to feel the wind,………all of my senses are dead,…..other than my sight,…. I get to live to see this,….. I don’t get the option not to,…..this, my reward for selfishly teaching you to fly,…….
I’m sorry,….I am so sorry,………………..baby, please open your eyes,..please,….
….I continue to hold you in my arms, I gasp,….I breathe in,……..I breathe out,……. I look at your face as I continue to smooth your hair,…….the wind blows a strand across you face, I fix it back in place with my fingers, wishing that I could as easily fix what I have broken in you,……I see my hands differently now,……the hands that could do anything that I wanted them to do,….the hands that made music,…the hands that created something out of nothing,….that made words perform as if they were actors in a play,…for truly, all the world is a stage,……my fingers still move as always, but they now seem to be made of wax,…fingers that no longer have a soul,…… The life is now gone from them as is the life from your body,…….I try to remember the great things that they have done, yet nothing any longer matters, my memory is leaving as my soul dies,…….I continue to brush back your hair, I lightly stroke your cheek,…….a few disoriented grains of sand seek their place in the universe as I do so,………the universe, like nature,…..demands order, what should be, must be,….I breathe in, I breathe out,… As everything put’s itself back right, I see the shadows change upon and across your face, as if for a moment it appeared that there was life in you still,……only shadows,……..just tricks from the light,……..
I want to gaze upon your face forever, but my head won’t let me,…….it begins to move against my will, as if to respond to a taunt from a distant tormentor,……… My thoughts were true,………..the tormentor is there, waiting,…….calling me,…..all he has to do is exist,……..he is the sun,………….and here and now,…… …….. In this moment in this place,…………………….. He is setting,…in the west,……………..
And now, I do what I must, the only thing that I am allowed to do,………..I lay you to rest, ever so gently on the sand,….. I brush back your hair for the last time knowing that i must go on,……..I breathe in, I breathe out,……..I have to,…… Do what I must,…… I fold your arms across your body,…knowing that mine can hold you no longer,…….. For I have things still to do,….. On my knees beside you, I lean to kiss your lips, as I have done in life,……..as my lips touch yours,…..I,….feel,…..nothing,…….
as I stand and begin to walk, I leave you to rest,…..I think of the time that you talked about dying on the beach,….you have now got your wish,…….. “Sea or shore?”, you had asked me. My fear was dying in the water, as I continue to walk I realize the water is already waist deep,….I feel nothing,…….another step, another,………I look into the sun, the one setting in the west,….the water is higher,……another step as the tide helps to do the rest, pulling me forward and down, as my dream did to you,…….
I see the last twinkling of light I will ever see, and I remember yours,………..I slip beneath the waves,…..I give in completely,……outward and down,……the light green grows darker as I’m pulled deeper,…..
…….dark green now turns to black,……..I think of the way you made me smile,…..the way you made me feel,…….
…and laugh……………..
…………..of the way that you,…………………..loved me,……………..
………………….the warmth is no longer there,…………………I did this………..God I am so sorry,…….
……….. …… ……………..I close my eyes
……………………… ………………………… …. ………… …………….. ….. ………. ………… …………………….suddenly, in a rush, all of my senses return,………I feel,….everything……..
……. …. .. I breathe in

JOHN E DOE copyright 2010
Excerpt from “DIE TRYING or TRY DYING” (DIARY OF A SUICIDE),………………………..


a Godly person? hhhhhmmmmmm…You know Joe, with where I am in life now,…I think about this question, not a lot necessarily, but, mainly, I think about it in the sense of, do I, each day, and for the most part, all day, whatever comes my way,…if I allow myself to get knocked off balance, do I get my focus back to where it should be, and needs to be, as quickly as possible?
What I mean is, for us to have and be a “good witness”, by concentrating on who God is, and is to be, in our own life,…as a living savior,….and in our drawing near to Him,…then our witness is an automatic result of where we stand each day.

I have found that in doing this, “drawing closer”,…as an individual who is “working out my own salvation”,….knowing that doing this is for my own good, first and foremost, and this is not said selfishly, by the way,…….then I have no worries what another may think of me.

many times, brand new baby christians are encouraged (or, pushed) to go out on an instant soul winning, conversion program,…this can be a very dangerous hing in their “new” condition,…instead of encouraging their focus to be on their savior,….they can instead be taught to focus on people,…in a “works” kind of way. The cart can quickly be put “before” the horse,…and the new believer starves for what is truly needed in their live,…and for their life,…FAITH FIRST,…works second,…
If our life (FAITH) ever shifts to where it is, works first,…and faith second,…then we can easily be “living our faith” under “our own power”….(doing what “we” choose, instead of what God chooses and wants for us)…
Jesus spoke of how the wind blows where it wants to, such is how the spirit of God moves (within) us,…there is no set in stone daily 12 step program of (hollow) motions to follow, when we,…through and because of our “faith first” attitude and focus,…simply yield ourselves to God.
We are told that “bodily exercise profits little” Our human body, when self willed does human (fleshly/carnal) works, or, exercises, if you will? In learning of and walking close to Jesus, we are automatically exercising “spiritually” This is how we “go on” (forward) unto the “perfecting of our faith”
We, as humans, will never be perfect, as it is, in and of itself, “impossible for us to do.” Corruptible flesh, etc,…

But, instead, it is through our faith, that we grow.
And in growing, we mature.
And in maturing, our “witness” is stronger and more “real” to any and all others by the day……
We are solid in what we believe…
“when we were children,…we spoke as children”,…but,…(action of faith coming up next) LET US “PUT AWAY” OUR CHILDISH WAYS”,…Correct?
To “put away” something, we have to make a choice to do so,…Correct? When we “do not” put away our childish ways, then I ask,…”what are we then?” Or, what do we “remain?” We remain as a child, don’t we?

We read that “whom a father (God) loves,…He corrects” Us…correct?
In loving obedience to a faith which is to give us abundant life, if we are, “disobedient” (or perhaps, non-yielding),….then what does the Bible tell us??? It says that “God’s wrath is poured out upon children of disobedience”,…doesn’t it? Redneck translation is,…WE GET SPANKED LOL,…but definitely, NO LOL
There are times,….in which, through and because of our stubbornness,…not only do we and are we missing out on our loving closeness with God,…but we are also in a, well,…a constant state of correction. Many times,…this is when we, as humans,…want to blame good old satan for causing our rough days,…when,…in fact,…our rough days may be, “us just reaping what we sow”.

Are we walking by faith? If so,…we are automatically, “sowing spiritually”,…thus, we will reap spiritually…But,…the other side of the coin,…are we walking as a human?,…And, are we also “trying to think” (or, allowing our self to be deceived into thinking) that we are living a “christian life” while doing so???

hhhhhhmmmmmmmm…So,…if we are walking in the flesh,….”firstly”,…and not walking in faith, “spiritually”,…would we then be (by our own neglect and willful choice),…in what we do,…in how we live,…and lastly, in what we “sow”,…be sowing,…to the flesh???
If we are,…are we not told as a loving truth,…that we will be sowing to the flesh???

at which point,…we are susceptible to correction, aren’t we?
What is the Godly and healthy point behind correction? How about,…simple redneck thought here,…a,…blessed life?

To be “conformed”, this is part of our maturing process, isn’t it? or,…part of our overall, “salvation?”,…maturing is necessary,…but to mature,…we must, of our own choosing,…desire to grow,…correct???

If we are living in pursuing the desires of our flesh,…meaning,…satisfying our human wants,…
I ask ALL,…are WE, as Jesus tells (lovingly commands) us,…TAKING UP OUR CROSS EVERY DAY AND IN DOING SO, FOLLOWING HIM???
This is something that every one of us as believers should absolutely give some serious thought and prayer to!

I am thinking of myself as I write this…I truly desire to grow closer to Jesus and thus,…walking in the light,…HIS LIGHT,…EACH AND EVERY DAY,…I KNOW THIS TO BE FACT,…AS DOES JESUS…I say this in no way at all to make anyone feel guilty. I know how satan works quite well.

When words such I have just written are read by others,…”if” some of the others do not, and are not, desiring to walk closer to Jesus in faith,…then this is when satan tries to have a field day by telling any and all of us, “believers” that we are, guilty,…

If we give thought to these (untrue,false and condemning) accusations, and let them have place in our minds,…then,…it is going to be too easy for satan to continue on in our minds and tell us,…that we are NOT GOOD ENOUGH…
So,…because of our faults, our neglect, and our sin,…that we “should not even think” about “trying” to live a life of lively, healthy, and strong faith,…because we will only fail,…

Listen closely,…this is a lie. LIES ARE THE TOOL THE SATAN LOVES TO USE THE MOST…Remember this and never forget this. Jesus is the what? THE TRUTH,…SO,…AS AN OPPOSITE,…satan is the what??? THE FATHER OF LIES. Correct?…Do the scriptures say that we shall know the “lies”, and the “lies” shall make us free???…No,…but if it left up to satan,…then that IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WILL TELL US,…and thus,…we will remain locked in our own personal prison…as a “freed believer?” Why would we do something so stupid as this?

Jesus Himself tells us that “none of us are good enough” He took our place in the electric chair (upon the cross) He rode the lightning in our place!!! IN DOING SO,…WE HAVE BEEN AND ARE,….FOREVER FREE. WE CAN (now and because of God’s mercy/grace/and forgiveness) NOW COME BOLDLY INTO THE THRONE ROOM AND HAVE COMMUNION WITH GOD. None of US WHO BELIEVE are guilty!

we, may have a Godly “conviction” which is not condemning guilt, but, instead, this conviction, motivates us to yield to a loving God,…and in doing so,….we get to experience the good gifts that are waiting for us all.

GOD SAYS THE HE IS THE “REWARDER” OF THOSE OF US WHO DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM” Have you ever read that? I say this in love,…then,…YOU NEED TO. We all need to. And then do what we read.

Jesus is and was our scapegoat. (google this) Our sins were placed upon Him,…BY HIS OWN DESIGN. And they were forever removed from us. HE IS THE PERFECT LAMB,…GOD’S SELF PROVIDED PERFECT SACRIFICE.

{do you remember the ram from the story where Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac, his son???? (I didn’t google this, so Joe,….are these the correct people in the story? thanks) where was the ram discovered??? What was on Jesus’ head when He was crucified? God already had a way out, but Abraham had to have faith,…didn’t he? Fact is,…I am absolutely glad that I was not in the situation the Abraham was! We, as believer’s in Jesus, have it so easy.}

yup, Jesus,…the perfect sacrifice,…the perfect lamb,…WITHOUT SPOT OR BLEMISH. THE ONE TIME FINAL HIGH PRIEST REPRESENTING THE PEOPLE. ALL THE PEOPLE. FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD!!!

satan is the “accuser of all christians” but Jesus steps us as the one who freed us FOREVER from the guilt which we once lived under, (due to, and because of, the rules of the law)….and reminds satan that “who the son has freed,..then we are free in deed. So,…as believers,…”IF GOD IS FOR US (AND HE IS) THEN WHO CAN BE AGAINST US????” Well,…the word devil means THE ONE WHO OPPOSES GOD,…SO? WHO IS AGAINST US???……………
yup satan,…So what??? Again,…satan is a liar,……
If you/WE have truly received/believed on and in Jesus, as your savior,….His Holy Spirit dwells with in you/US.
GREATER IS HE,…WHO IS “IN” US,…THAN,…HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD?…who is in us??? Yup, Jesus. Who is in the world?…yup, satan…

IF WE CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS US,…(WHICH WE CAN),……then wouldn’t that mean that we can walk daily in faith with Him,…and follow him thankfully and lovingly,…taking up our cross,….and maturing,….and in doing so,……no longer live under constant correction? Well,…I believe that is exactly what we can do,…but, yet again,…only in and through faith…

okay Joe,….I didn’t see this as being a 27 page comment,…if I am in the wrong here, I want to apologize to you and the others,…I’ll copy this and continue writing it for my next post,…so,…if you need to,…or want to delete,…no sweat. ok? Again,…sorry if I have not practiced wisdom, and restraint,…ok?

so,…do we ever wonder why God does not seem to be very real in our life? Why we can’t “hear” Him? Or, we can’t “see” Him? There may be a reason why we can’t??? We are told to “SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AND “HIS” RIGHTEOUSNESS (AND ONLY THEN) AND EVERYTHING WHICH WE NEED TO LIVE AN ABUNDANTLY (FREE AND POWERFUL) LIFE WILL BE GIVEN TO US!” (redneck translation and modification) (google matthew six)

and, also in matthew 6, we are also “told to do” (faith is an action verb,…do we act upon our faith???) this,…every day……
I ask myself,….do I do this every day? Yes I do. Have I always? No.

Now, someone ask me “this” question,….”Hey John E Doe, just how was your life when you weren’t (WERE NOT) placing God where He is supposed to be and where you truly needed Him to be???

MAN, THANKS FOR ASKING. THAT RIGHT THERE IS A GREAT QUESTION,……
MY ANSWER IS THIS,…MY LIFE SUCKED!…or,…I’ll say it this way,…my life sucked!
Yup,…that about covers it.

and yield to God, and follow Jesus to do so…this could be referred to as “spiritual common sense”,…couldn’t it?

so,…Faith???,…hhhmmm,…maybe there is just a tad more to it?
God’s spirit,…through our spiritual life,…is what is conforming us, to the image of His Son,…
Not because we do good deeds.
Not because we dress like a christian.
Not because we talk like a christian.
Not because we go to church.
Not because we carry a bible on our dash.
Not because we wear a cross around our neck.
Not because we bow our head when someone says lets pray. Not because we memorize scripture.
Not because we put money in a plate.
Not because we,……..?????????
Wow,….that was kinda tiring! (see how our “works” can wear us out,…and accomplish absolutely nothing at the same time???)

Faith is because of nothing that we can or will do,…It is a gift,…A free gift,…from Jesus to us,…have you accepted this gift??? If not,…how are things going for you?

It’s as simple as believe and receive,…done deal…As they said in the church I went to as a kid,…ask him into your heart right now.
His love waits.
His forgiveness and acceptance waits.
For all of us. No matter who you are.
No matter what you have done.
Whether good,…or bad…
We are told that “Jesus stands at our door and knocks”,…I believe this,…many years ago,…I opened my door and let Him in,…and now, many years later…because of his mercy,…and His loving patience,…I am following Him, again…with all of my, and in spite of my imperfections,…it’s true ya know??? And this is a fact. A fact,…of faith,…HE HAS NEVER LEFT ME…NOR HAS HE FORSAKEN ME,…remember,…satan is a liar…

in faith,…the closer that we come to him,…then the closer He is to us,…walking in faith,…(“not” by following our own works),…then the more sensitive we are to the leading of His spirit,…
In this manner,…our life of faith, is, and has (now) become,…a “spiritual” life of surprises,…while we exist in a very real,…and very “carnal” world…trust me if you want to,…but I’ll tell you this,…from what I have experienced in my life,…GOD IS NOT BORING,…dive in,…FAITH FIRST.

I am thankful,…truly thankful,…my journey continues,…john e doe


HI MISS CORRENA,…HOW ARE YOU???,………on wordpress, it is sometimes difficult to answer a certain question that one has asked, in part, because the “reply” button does not always show up with eac comment made,…I saw your newest one about you being in church all day yesterday, and this is my attempt to answer/explain why I asked,…what I “thought” was a simple question,…..but, due to lack of simple answers to my question about what “Jesus teaches” us, I have almost decided my questions must be way too complicated,…..I have looked back over what I have asked quite a few times to see if my questions were just too confusing. I myself, do not think that they are,……but, as I have learned during my time on wordpress, I have found that instead of a direct answer, there seems to be much “googlig, copying, and pasting,…..this, more so than a heartfelt thought out answer, unfortunately……in our techno cyber-world, it is just too easy to copy and paste. I have learned that asking questions, for the most part, seems to be rather moot,…but if I was to ask a question, I would ask this. “do we really feel and believe that we learn anything deeply when we just copy and paste?????

God (Jesus) says that he is the rewarder of those (of us) who diligently seek him. correct???

would i think that god sees us as seeking him diligently when we simply google bits and pieces to copy and paste??? my answer is, no.

to me, this could be the equivalent of “cheating on a test” in school,…….do cheaters ever win???? no. i don’t think they do. they have learned nothing. thus, they have retained, nor understood anything,…………………..but,………we can appear to know what we are speaking of, especially when we “steal” our answers,……………

also,…i MUST CORRECT A TYPO!!!!!!!! a typo from last evening,……i wrote, there is a clear distinction between “hypocrite” and “hypocrasy”,………..what i “meant” to write was,…THERE IS A CLEAR DISTINCTION BETWEEN “HYPOCRITE” AND “CHRISTIAN”……………once we post a comment, we, as the commentor, can not edit it,…………very sorry,……………………………ok,…..movin along,…………..

correna, (and others) i am just going to take my time to do my best to convey why i asked what i did, which pertained specifically to joes post,…………when i have finished, i would like to think, as well as hope, that my intentions are very clear. my intentions are to be encouraging for all of us. encouraging and strengthening,……………in other words,…..to help create,…….like the lyrics from the old song,…”JUST A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE
“………………..a closer walk, for all of us,…………………….equally,….since,….as “jesus teaches”,…WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT,………….

i’m doing some tile work in my mom’s bathroom now,……but i’ll be back as quickly as i can,……………..in the meantime,………have you ever read about the two men who go to the temple to pray??????,……the story about the one man who “thought, or perhaps wanted to thinnk and believe how SPECIAL AND GODLY that he was????? and also,…the OTHER GUY,………WHO CRIED AND BEAT HIS CHEST AND ASKED GOD’S FORGIVENESS BECAUSE HE, IN HIS HEART, KNEW WHAT MANNER OF HUMAN HE WAS (IS) AND HOW MUCH HE “NEEDED” GOD’S FORGIVENESS (love and acceptance)????????????……….this is story is the single simplest explanation/example of a HEARTFELT BELIEVER,…AND,…A BRAZEN HYPOCRITE,…………..in the entire new testament,…..it don’t get more clear than this,………………give it a read if you never have,…..i myself absolutely love the picture which is painted in this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,……………more soon,…….

and,…as for the “who am i” question?????,………i’m just another human peckin at the keys,…………….what i am writing now, i wish that someone would have written it twenty years ago for “me” to read,…….i take every word that i write very seriously! when sharing god’s word, and trying to do so in an encouraging way,…is one of the most important things in my life,………………………….i realize that i am just “black and white” words on a screen,……..it is very difficult to be human here, as there is no true human interaction,……our words can appear so cold and insensitive,….this is not my intent,…..i do ot write or ask questions to harm anyone,…………………i (had) hoped to “inspire” individuals to think for themselves, and ponder, as well as meditate upon the scriptures,…..which is what jesus teaches,………………………hhhhmmmmmm………..

ok,…….back soon,………..


(#1) THE LOVE OF MANY, will grow cold…

by johnedoe

(#1) THE LOVE OF MANY, will grow cold…

       “IN THE FINAL DAYS, THE LOVE OF MANY WILL GROW COLD BECAUSE SIN WILL ABOUND” Quick question, do those words sound just a little bit sad to you? A little scary, maybe? Just on the edge of making you feel kind of,…hopeless even? Or depressed? I remember the first time that I read them. They made me feel???,…well???,…(D, all of the above)

        The Holy Bible, and the words there (hidden???) inside of it, was written for everyone. Every individual on the face of the earth. Unbeliever and believer alike. No one has to worthy, nor can be worthy enough to read the words written inside. These words are part of a GIFT FROM GOD. A gift for ALL mankind. No one has to be “good” enough. One does not have to be a Christian, or even a believer at all. I myself know many professing atheists who know the words of the Bible quite well,…and in fact, better than most professing Christians do. JUS SAYIN…..and, by the way,…”if the shoe fits”,…etc, etc,…but if the shoe does fit,…then don’t try to kick me with it, ok??? lol thanks so much!!!         There is only one reason that an atheist would know more about the bible, and the words that are written therein. Why is this a reality, a fact, a truth??? The answer is simple, it is evident. The word evident, is also part of the word, EVIDENCE. Which has to do with the word, PROOF.         It is because they, AN ATHEIST, who is one who claims that they, not only, do not believe in God, but they are also adamant that God does not even exist. With that said, fact remains, they still, in one way or another, for one reason or another,…“HAVE” learned them. How did they learn them??? Simple. They were seeking. They were looking. They opened their eyes and took, or made place, for the time that it took, that was NECESSARY to do so. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out,…does it???         We as Christians are told to “SEEK AND WE WILL FIND.” (if and when you seek you will find,…seek and ye shall find,…etc) what is it about an atheist that makes it appear quite clearly that they understand, and practice, this command, more than some of us as Christians?

        Let’s look at the simple “statement” (OF GOD HIMSELF) made in the Holy Scripture, “SEEK AND YOU WILL FIND.”

        There is a reaction, when there is an action. (as one, “begets” the other lol) Simple as that. Did we need science to state the obvious? No. Need we ask our “self” what it is, or could be exactly, that stops us (or that definitely has stopped so many of us, and I mean us as Christians????????) from seeking? As Christians, ones who profess to be Christians,…Is there, or should there even be a need for, us to need a legitimate excuse for what we do not know concerning our “faith“??? If we haven’t looked, for our self, I mean?          If we have a Bible, or if we have the internet (access to bible gateway.com) and we do not read the words there??? Then we,…that is to say “our” own “self”,…is what stops us. Thus, we have created an impossibility. (is it really possible to create an impossibility??? Ponder that one) We, as an individual, have made it “impossible” for our “self”,…to find. Period. What I am writing now applies to my “self“,…as well as , your “self“,…and or, an atheist. Or every other human on the face of the earth. Actually,…let’s go just a bit farther, and call this a,…”universal truth.”

         The scientific statement I made earlier, is actually, in the factual order,…stated this way, as it is proven,…FOR EVERY “ACTION”,…THERE IS, “THEN” AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE, RE-ACTION…………..

This can also be seen as the good old, CAUSE AND EFFECT.

         So,…Do I have a cause??? Is there an effect? An EFFECT, beCAUSE, of my CAUSE? An effect to, and for, and from, my cause? There isn’t, and there won’t be, because there can’t, there CAN NOT be,…if I don’t, if I DO NOT ACT inspired by my cause. We must truly “believe” in our cause to “act” upon it.

        This is day one stuff right here folks. We could call this, WHY I AM A SPIRITUALY DEAD CHRISTIAN 101.

        Or, spiritually COMATOSE 101,…or spiritually SICK 101, or spiritually WEAK 101, or……??? I’m pretty sure you are “seeing” what I’m saying here, aren’t you??? In fact,…these “truths” may be the answer to many of the prayers that we have all prayed, (and may still be praying!!!????)…I’ll explain why I say this in (#2)

        So,…NO EFFECT??? No effect. This means that my cause, (OR YOURS)…is in vain. IN VAIN. VAIN, not the WORD itself, but the reason behind the definition of VAIN, solely in it’s existence,…means empty. Empty. Pointless. Worthless. Nothingness. Directionless, Emptiness. A void. A,…VOID. Wow, that almost sounds hopeless, too,……(it isn’t)

                                         “WE CAN NOT “HAVE” OUR CAKE, YET “EAT IT” TOO”

        Don‘t you know, “OH VAIN MAN“,…“FAITH WITHOUT WORKS, BEING ALONE, IS DEAD”……….did you catch that four letter word there???

        Yup, exactly! Oh VAIN man. Hhhmmmm VAIN MAN??? EMPTY MAN??? VOID MAN???……….maybe even,…HOLLOW MAN???

now,…i did not put the following scriptures here to make any one in any way think that i did so to begin or even think about beginning the fortytrillionth vain argument concerning if these scriptures are about whether we “as christians” are even saved or not!!!!!!!! okay!!!!!!!! and it’s because they aren’t!!!!!! and yes,…i know that they sound like they do!!!! ok???? i have heard it all before!!!! lol trust me!!!! lol God says that his word is not open to empty arguments, ok??? or,..vain arguments,..did you catch that there???? yup,..vain,..ok,..that said,…moving along now,….

okay,…that, covers that!!!! lol,…..read on, “young heroes!!!”

JAMES CHAPTER TWO 14-26

14 What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him?

15 If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food,

16 and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit?

17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

18 But someone will say, “You have faith, and I have works.” Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.

19 You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!

20 But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?

21 Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered Isaac his son on the altar?

22 Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works faith was made perfect?

23 And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, “Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” And he was called the friend of God.

24 You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only.

25 Likewise, was not Rahab the harlot also justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out another way?

26 For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

Ponder the following tidbit as well if you want to…….

“THERE ARE EVEN NOW MANY WHO ARE SICKLY AND WEAK AMONG YOU BECAUSE OF SIN” (man,…that right there sure sounds like cause and effect, huh?) or,……actually,…IT IS,…an EFFECT,…(thee effect??? Hhhmmmmm) FROM A LACK OF A CAUSE????????

RUST IN PIECES,……..

Posted: December 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

the magic and power of journals,……what’s the big deal, right? They are only words……aren’t they?

There are so many common terms I have heard concerning  journaling. Therapy being at the top of the list. It’s funny to me how, we as humans, have a natural desire to get what is inside of us,…out. (i’ll not pursue the details!!! lol you’re welcome)

Perhaps much like a splinter and the pain and infection which it brings,…our bodies eject it,…in due time.

Perhaps our minds desire is to do this same kind of “ejecting.” I remember as a child when my father would try to remove a splinter from my finger…I would yank my hand back and cry, asking a question, while in the same moment, making a statement…..”is it going to hurt it’s going to hurt!?!?!?”

We desire to be free of the pain, but there is the “knowing and awareness” of the pain which somehow defends our “desire” to keep and defend the bringer of the pain. Where does this battle come from?

I suffered from many childhood traumas,….molestation being the most damaging, as it encompasses so many different feelings and emotions,…..in almost every area of the rest of our lives,…..two trusted friends of my family were the ones who fed off of my soul, though the damage done to my body. I don’t think, looking back, that my mind would allow me to “journal” as I would be not only keeping the memories alive,…but also giving them an all new, and more powerful strength…….which I could not deal with…for I didn’t know how to confront these demons…

The memories slept,……like a splinter deep inside of me,…their infection poisoning my life daily. The years passed by…

My relationships could never be complete, due to this sickness which the infection has spawned. I carried the sickness in me,…and it continued to “molest” everything about my life…….I wasn’t complete…

As cancer consumes it “victims”,…my demons whispered,…and laughed while they did so.

Rust, once began,…continues to rust. Uninhibited, rust will turn a strong, heavy and solid piece of steel,…into a pile of dust…the whispering and the laughter continued. It’s just a matter of time. The end is near from birth,…but with the continual damage which can occur from being molested, with no hope for freedom, or for an escape,…the end comes to find us. This it does with vicious intent. Driven. Mercilessly, yet as horrifying as this may sound, to me,…thankfully. I wanted the pain and madness to stop. I needed for it to stop.

“Is it going to hurt it’s going to hurt!”…The end, holds the promise of comfort. Comfort, and peace. No more whispering. No more laughter. I envied the demons. For they seemed to be thoroughly enjoying their sleep,…this was obvious, or evident, if only to myself, because I always heard them. They talked quietly in their sleep,…and laughed. Alive and well as they rested, and this they did,…in peace.

In peace. And rest. I had neither…I grew more weary every day. I hated them, and I hated me that I could do nothing to destroy them.

The pain of my life had grown so strong, that I no longer felt it. Sadly, I felt nothing else as well. Nothing. Including what was to be my own life. This is the point in which one knows that it is finally time to rest. This type of rest is one which I had to choose to bring myself. My own hands had the power to induce sleep. The sleep which I so badly needed. I also knew that along with my longed for, and much needed sleep,…I would also be bringing on the demise of the demons which lived inside of me. Maybe I could win twice?

There is a mysterious something inside of us that drives us to want to say some something to someone when we know that we will be sleeping soon. If we do this speaking in just a few words,…it is seen as a note. If we say what feel that we have to say, or want to say, in many words,…then this is a journal. These distinctions, it seems, are made due to the slightest variances.

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…

I can’t speak for anyone else who brings their own sleep,…but for myself, along with the written words left behind, there are also words spoken to the one who is the supposed creator of where we may be going…words not necessarily spoken through hope,…but simply spoken. like the lyrics from a Beatles song,…”you say goodbye, i say hello.”

The time was here. This would be the day. My last day. In the words spoken to the holder of tomorrow, having been said last evening, was my way of saying, “If you are really there,…I guess I’ll see you soon.”

The day passed, much as any other. Bedtime was approaching. The afternoon came, and minutes passed…the afternoon went.

Time for my only attempt at journal writing was almost at hand. My hand. My hands.

Then, just before dusk, I saw a slight motion outside of my front window. This was odd in itself, as there had never been before. I then, opening the door, came face to face to face with a complete stranger. She held herself as if she were just about to knock, although slightly unsure of herself. I had never seen her before in this small town in which I lived. She was very pretty as well, thus more noticeable, especially to a man. But, even then. So who was she? And why was she here now? On my front porch?

In her hands, she calmly held,…a journal……….

Speaking with a nervousness, which was perfectly blended with a confidence, which gave her an aura unlike anything I had ever before seen,…she sweetly and gently said,…”God told me to bring you this.” Raising her journal to my surprisingly outreaching hands as she spoke.

For what seemed like an eternity, yet merely a split second, I stared at her gift, then back up to her. To her face. To her eyes. What I saw in them was,…….I blinked, looking deeper…………what I thought that I saw in them,……………was love.

We then made rather awkward small talk,…and in doing so, I discovered what I already knew. She had already said what she came to say. Then, she simply said goodbye, and went her way. I watched as she pulled out of my drive, onto the road. I still watched as she then drove away. And I continued to watch until her car was completely out of sight, and over the top of the hill. Even then, I stared at where she had been only moments before.

This whole time, I was aware of my fingers moving slowly across the covers of her journal. I felt a warmth through it. I felt a warmth inside of me. I,…felt. For the first time since I didn’t know when. I felt. Alive. I just stood and savored this new feeling. As I did so, I listened. I listened, very closely. The whispering’s were gone. There was no more laughter. I, instead, heard the faintest,…of cries. I heard,….fear.

I sat warmly on my couch,…with this stranger’s precious gift in my hands, I opened it. I then began to read.

It said, “IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD, AND THE WORD WAS WITH GOD,…AND THE WORD WAS GOD,…HE WAS WITH GOD IN THE BEGINNING”…

The New Testament exists because of journal writing…individuals wrote down their true and deep inner thoughts,…pertaining to, and about God, a God who we can not prove exists…

Because of the words in this strangers journal, written by other strangers,…and then,…given to me…I learned what true Godly FORGIVENESS really is…

And in the reading of the words, and learning from all of what was written in this journal,…I was then, and only then, able to see more than just words on paper…I found what I firmly believe to be truth. in believing it to be truth, I practiced what I found. What I accepted. Through placing my faith in the Jesus who the journal was written about…I was able to give forgiveness,…that He gave me…

I found compassion that I have never known. Before or since……a compassion which is not human. It is “otherworldly”…it, I believe, is Godly…

I truly gave this Godly forgiveness towards those who molested me. Did I do this in person. No. Did I need to? No. Did doing this, forgiving, free them? I have no idea, nor is it my business. Do I have any desire to speak with them? Or tell them what they did to me for so many years of my life? What they took from in their sickness, their selfishness, and their sin?

No. No I don’t. I have absolutely no need or desire to. Period. But,…what does giving Godly forgiveness do? Does it free us? Truly free us?

In the exact second that I forgave the individuals who molested me, and beyond incredibly, I did so with true compassion, sincere and pure compassion towards and for them,…the very real demons inside of me left me.

These demons went away from me, in a way in which I can only, and quite literally describe, by honestly saying that I physically (and spiritually) felt their (commanded by God, and thus mandatory) eviction from my life! This happened instantly! Eviction is the perfect word! The only word!

Many years have since passed, the demons are so long gone now. Gone from that place, deep within me, where they have, for far too long, existed. Unchallenged. Un-threatened. Comfortably. Peacefully. The whole while, slowly draining the life from my soul. The peace they had enjoyed, and thrived off of,…was stolen from me. The comfort which they had,…was meant for me. God has given much back to me. I now have comfort. I now have peace.

These demons have never even tried to return. I, because of the words, that human hands, had written in a journal, (or actually, a series of journals),…have been freed. Truly freed. Forever.

So, do I believe that words have much life changing power???

Facts are these,…whether God is real, or not,…the words that I read concerning Him and Jesus, and things of Faith,…..showed me something which I have “never in this world”, seen or heard before. Then,…in using my freewill, I made a choice,….and because of my choice,….I forgave them. Them? I forgave the “heinous child molesting bastards”…the very same ones who’s willful choices and actions had tore a hole in my soul for so, so, many years……..A hole which served as a doorway for the demons to enter through…a doorway to their new living room…………….

But now,..I forgave them. And I forgave them in the “exact and specific way” in which Jesus taught me to forgive them, as well as all others,……I forgave them for their sins,…just as Jesus Himself forgave and still forgives me for my sins,…..and always will continue to do so……..as will I…continue to forgive others

To truly “forgive”, and be “forgiven”, in a Godly way,…we “must” have faith,…………because of my faith,….I NOW HAVE FREEDOM,…I NOW HAVE LIFE,…AND PEACE,…….AND EVEN JOY, FROM TIME TO TIME,…………life is good……..

So,…..I agree,……….journals are beautiful things……all because of a bunch of little words,…written on paper,…….by human hands

As I skim over what I have just written here now,….I looked down at my hands,………the very same hands, which, in another time, another place, and another life,……in a seemingly hopeless, quest for peace,……and rest,………and sleep,……..were going to be used to write a suicide note.

Life can be funny, can’t it? And maybe,…God isn’t real either? But then again,…maybe He is,…………………

But that decision is entirely up to each and every one of us to make for our “self”………..

we all too often want God’s forgiveness for our “self”,…but,…then we do not want to give it to others.

at which point,…and because of our lack of forgiveness,….in our personal prison,…we still remain.

hell,….as in the here and now,….is a choice that we make for our “self”,……… somethin worth thinkin (prayin) about,………..if we choose, not to decide, we still have made, a choice…………

Have a great day!